


Closed Eyes

by Phanallamallama



Series: The Imaginary Life [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Like, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Nightmares, Sex, Wanting to not exist, anxiety attack, gays, idk it's just pretty :(, just like this is pretty sad, like more sex than there should be, mentions of depression, no actual tho, wet dreams, with happy moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:52:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 53,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5091440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanallamallama/pseuds/Phanallamallama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan thought that brushing those few hairs out of Phil’s eyes would be nice, maybe placing their lips together and just lying with him as more than friends would be good too. But then he remembered Phil wasn’t there. Now those feelings felt bitter and the side of his bed that used to be owned was empty and colder than he remembered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so in advance I got way too into these characters and have screwed myself up over it I'm sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is for the 2015 Phandom Big Bang, it was meant to be 10k+ so I did around 50k (even if it's not all finished yet, but it will be soon like 5/6 chapters are done so good enough). Anyway I hope you like it!

_Dan thought that brushing those few hairs out of Phil’s eyes would be nice, maybe placing their lips together and just lying with him as more than friends would be good too. But then he remembered Phil wasn’t there. Now those feelings felt bitter and the side of his bed that used to be owned was empty and colder than he remembered._

_“Phil?” he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut at the silence and feeling so desperate to get something in response he clenched his fists in the duvet. He counted to ten before slowly unfurling one and reaching over, feeling crisp, dry sheets reach his fingers. Life was a luxury when he could feel Phil there instead._

_Dan moved his pillow and wrapped his arms around it, burying his nose into the warm fabric, cursing himself for washing the sheets. It was more like holding a ghost now than ever, Phil may as well have never existed. But that was what made Dan lose him._

*

Dan had probably been glancing out the window for the past five minutes. The party had started about fifteen minutes ago and of course Dan was happy all his other friends from school were there, but the most important one wasn’t.

“Darling, you should be talking to your guests,” his mother told him and Dan shook his head.

“But Phil’s not here yet mum,” he said and she smiled at him fondly and ruffled his hair.

“I know dear, I’m sure he’ll turn up soon.” She kissed the top of his head with little reaction and she signed. Dan had known Phil for about as long as he could talk. They only lived a few streets away so for the past six years had been almost inseparable. Their parents had met at playgroup and pushed them together and Dan had been very happy to meet this lanky, floppy haired boy who liked the same fantasy games and fell over a lot. He was very silly but then he also had shared his snacks with Dan and when they were five and about to move onto ‘big school’ made a promise that they’d be friends forever, no matter what. Dan had even started carrying around plasters for when Phil scraped his knees. Phil said he liked Dan’s games because they were creative and then as they got older Dan showed Phil Pokémon and Phil’s smile made Dan realise that was something he wanted to see a lot. Having a best friend was something he wanted more than anything, and whenever he remembered that Phil was his, his chest felt warm.

He stared out of the window once more before he went up to his room, having had forgotten to pin on his new badge with a large number seven engrained on it. Phil had given it to him yesterday and had even shown him how to make it flash and told him he thought it was wonderful. Dan agreed with him of course. But then Dan agreed with a lot of what Phil said. It was great because it meant their arguments were only ever small and they could talk about anything for hours, moving from topics to long tangents. It was wonderful how comfortable he felt around Phil, and how much better they both felt being close to each other. Dan hoped Phil would get there soon.

When he returned downstairs a huge grin finally spread across his face as he saw Phil standing by the door, a misshapen present in his hands and curling his toes into the rug as he peered around for Dan, almost looking anxious.

He ran downstairs to greet Phil who beamed as Dan appeared up close, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t find my glasses.” Phil apologised but Dan shook his head. It didn’t matter that he was late now he was there. “I wrapped the present myself too,” he added, nodding over across the room to their parents. “Mum tried to help me but I said I wanted to do it myself, I can use scissors even if she doesn’t think I can,” Phil said determinedly, handing it to Dan who chuckled.

“You did cut yourself on them before,” he reminded him and Phil blushed.

“It was an accident!” Phil exclaimed and Dan laughed, the feeling in his chest returning.

“I’ll open it later when it’s just the two of us,” Dan decided, putting it down safely on the table with the others. “Now come and sit next to me, I think mum is going to make me open presents in a second.” Dan shrugged, but his mood was a lot brighter sitting next to Phil.

He barely gave anyone attention apart from Phil when they were sat down to eat. Not much was new in that aspect but Phil had crumbs on his face within seconds as he had to keep pushing his glasses up from eating with such gusto. Dan was a lot neater, but he was also a lot more focussed on what Phil was talking about.

It was then that the lights dimmed and Phil’s eyes went wide and candles glistened in their reflection. Dan was a second later than everyone else to turn and see his cake while everyone else sang around him. He shot a glance over at Phil who was singing loudly and on purpose by his smile, knowing Dan hated this part of birthdays. The cake was slowly brought along in funeral procession fashion until it was in front of him and everyone began cheering.

“Make a wish. Phil told him eagerly and Dan closed his eyes although he didn’t really like wishing. He always did it for Phil and so made the same wish, and so far he hoped they were saving up for the next year too for it to make a difference in the long run.

He blew out the candles and everyone clapped, Phil poking him.

“What did you wish for?” he asked over people’s garish cheers of ‘hip-hip hooray’ and Dan grinned at him.

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.” He said smugly and Phil pouted, before smiling so his tongue poked out of his lips.

Dan desperately wanted it to come true.

*

“Oh no he’s dying!” Phil yelped as he frantically clicked his Tamagotchi, hysterically trying to revive it.

“Did you forget to feed it again?” Dan asked, not paying full attention because he was very close to finishing the most important gym battle of his nine years on earth.

“I thought I had.” Phil whined and Dan smiled a little. Golden Time on Fridays was one of Dan’s favourite things, even if it often resulted in a dead Tamagotchi. He and Phil would settle down in a corner while everyone was running around with their toy helicopters or teddies playing Pokémon, or if Phil hadn’t killed another pet yet, listen to constant beeping. Quite often they would lose track of time until Dan looked up and nudged Phil that the teacher was smiling at them, waiting for them to pack up so everyone else could leave. But that was one of the things Dan loved.

A few final sad beeps were heard as Dan pumped the air in success. “Yes! Another gym down, who’s the master!” he beamed and Phil smiled for him even if he had just lost another beloved pet.

“What level is Phoenix on now?” Phil asked politely and Dan peered at his screen.

“About a billion more than Flamo,” he teased and Phil huffed.

“I still think you cheated,” he accused and Dan shook his head.

“Did not,”

“Did too,”

“Liar,”

“You’re just upset because Susan died,” Dan boasted and Phil deflated.

“I don’t understand why they keep dying,” he wailed. “What am I doing wrong?”

“I don’t know.” Dan patted his arm. “I’ll buy you a new one if you promise not to forget to feed it,” Dan offered and Phil’s eyes lit up.

“Thank you!” He grinned. “I promise I won’t!”

However, sometimes there were people that broke Dan’s happy little bubble, and Phil’s smile would always leave his face when other people came, shying away. Phil always looked a little scared of them, and Dan really hated that.

“Hi Dan what’re you playing?” Alicia asked him, brandishing a new pink DS.

“Pokémon,” he mumbled.

“Do you want to play Mariokart with us?” she asked and Dan shook his head.

“No thanks I’m good over here,”

“Come on, hang out with us, it will be fun, please?” She almost begged, smiling too wide.

“No thanks, I’m good hanging out with Phil,” Dan repeated and Alicia’s smile dropped into something resembling a sneer.

“You’re so weird Dan.” She flounced and turned on her heel, leaving them alone. Dan shook his head at Phil and continued walking through the city, annoyed she had ruined a perfectly good conversation.

“You could have gone if you wanted,” Phil spoke up quietly and Dan’s head snapped up.

“Why would I want to?” he asked and Phil smiled a little, averting his eyes back down to his dead Tamagotchi.

“Thanks.” He mumbled and Dan smiled to himself.

“Best friends forever, right?”

“Right.”

*

“I wish your mum wasn’t so strict, then we could go and play in the park for a bit before you had to go home,” Dan said, scuffing his shoes as they walked back down the summer streets.

“Me too,” Phil sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and pushing his glasses up his nose.

“Hey, maybe when we go to secondary school we could, your mum might let you because we’ll be older,” Dan suggested and Phil smiled.

“Yeah maybe,”

“I wish we didn’t get treated like such kids, I mean, I know it’s not too far from school but we’re old enough to be able to get home without them fussing, it’s only two years’ time until we leave primary,” Dan said and Phil nodded, before he spotted something along the edge of the path and smiled as he ducked down to retrieve it.

“Here, make a wish on it,” Phil said and handed Dan a dandelion puff. “Then it could come true and soon we’ll be allowed home a bit later,” he said excitedly and Dan grinned.

“Only if we do it together.”

He moved the dandelion stalk in between their faces and grinned.

“Three, two, one, blow!” Dan spoke, then held his breath, feeling warm air and fluffy pods scatter over his face as he made sure not to move a single puff on his own accord. He couldn’t break magic that was meant for Phil.

“I hope we made the same wish,” Phil said happily and Dan nodded, smiling through his trick.

“I bet it will be pretty powerful,”

“Well obviously, best friend power.” Phil stated, holding up his hand and Dan slapped it, feeling the breeze ripple through his fingers as he saw more fluff continue upwards. “Er, you have a wish in your hair,” Phil told him, pointing awkwardly and Dan moved his hand up, trying to find it.

“Here?”

“The other side,”

“Phil are you lying?” Dan asked skeptically and Phil shook his head wildly.

“Of course not. I’ll get it and prove it,” he said and plucked it out of his hair and held it in front of his nose, before letting it fly away. “Told you.” Phil said with a grin, then they began walking again.

Dan hoped he hadn’t ruined Phil’s wish because his hair was too curly.

*

“I will beat you Thor!” Dan yelped as Phil wriggled around beside him, shoving him away in his sleeping bag so he rolled, holding onto his glasses for dear life.

“You shall not, peasant!” Phil retaliated, squirming back over and lying across Dan’s stomach, stopping him from being able to move as easily. Dan was trying to push him off as he had to show his strength was greater but Phil was very good at pretending to be a rock.

“Phil you butthead get off me, I am stronger,” Dan whined and Phil giggled.

“I am Mjölnir,” Phil said and Dan laughed loudly.

“Dan, what’s going on in there?” His mum called from outside.

“Phil started it!” He said quickly, causing Phil to glare at him before rolling off.

“Did he now? Well tell Phil to be quieter as it’s lights out, and Dan, you should be going to sleep too. Goodnight, have sweet dreams.” His mum said, slipping through the door to switch off there lamp.

“Goodnight mum!” Dan called after her before turning back to Phil. “Get you DS.” He hissed and he heard a small giggle from beside him.

Soon pale blue light was illuminating both of their faces as they turned the brightness right down and went onto PictoChat.

♠DAN: hi

Phil♪★: hi

♠DAN: hows life ova there?

Phil♪★: kinda cold

♠DAN: wanna share my blanket?

Phil♪★: yes please :3 ♥

 

Dan felt shuffling beside him and two glowing screens lighting the way before Phil was suddenly next to him and half snuggling into his warmth. “You warm now?” Dan asked and saw Phil give a little blissed out smile before taking off his glasses and shutting his DS. Dan copied and chuckled into the darkness, feeling Phil’s arm pressed against his own.

“We can talk now,” he whispered and Phil shuffled as a nod.

“You have a warm shoulder,” Phil mumbled and Dan smiled, then bit his lip.

“You can use it as a pillow if you want,” he offered as casually as he could and he couldn’t stop his small beam as Phil instantly relaxed onto him.

“Thanks.”

They lay in silence for a few minutes before Phil gently broke it.

“You’re the best friend in the whole wide world,” he whispered and Dan blushed.

“So are you,” he agreed and he knew Phil would be smiling.

“Good, because that means you won’t get rid of me.” Phil told him, his words slow and only a few seconds after he had fallen asleep.

Dan could make out the rough outline of Phil’s face, see where his darker lashes were set and where his nose protruded to catch a small amount of light. Dan couldn’t help but smile at the hairs tickling his shoulder as he moved them away and the tiny mumbles passing his lips with each breath. He definitely couldn’t stop his grin as he heard his own name mumbled and he closed his eyes.

“I’d never want to.”

*

“Dan, we know he’s important to you but you’re too old for this now,” his mother sighed wearily but Dan shook his head in rage.

“Phil’s my best friend,”

“I know dear, but you’re too-“

“He’s my best friend!”

“Daniel-“

“ _He’s my best friend!”_

_“DAN HE IS IMAGINARY!”_

His mother’s voice shattered the room and Dan felt as if he had been punched in the gut. He felt saltwater prick his eyes and he swallowed hard. “You’re lying,” he whispered, repeating it in his head. “You’re lying!” he shouted and then suddenly he was in his room and throwing things. Phil was real, Phil was alive, and Phil was his best friend.

“Dan?” he heard a gentle voice and he wiped his eyes roughly, turning around to see Phil peeking through the doorway.

“Phil,” he whimpered and Phil came into the room quickly and hugged him. Dan buried his head in his shoulder and wept, clinging to him almost painfully hard as Phil let him calm down the best he could. “You’re real,” Dan breathed into his jumper. “You’re real and you’re not imaginary.” He repeated. “Why does everyone think you are?” he whispered and Phil squeezed him tighter.

“I don’t know.” Was all Phil could reply.

Dan didn’t understand.

*

“Dan I know it is half term but you should go outside and play,” his mother said and Dan simply pulled his duvet over his head, one hand gripping Phil’s under the covers. He felt his bed dip as she sat beside him, resting her hand on his leg. “Daniel come on now, you’re too young to be acting as if you’re depressed,” She said and Dan jerked his leg away, closing his eyes.

“But I’m too old for Phil?”

“Darling we keep telling you, he’s not real,”

“He is and I won’t listen to you anymore.” Dan said, clamping his hands over his ears and started to hum Phil’s favourite song, feeling Phil squeeze his hand and he opened his eyes, seeing him smiling at him softly. He heard his mother trying to talk to him a few times but when he hummed louder and made no response he felt her pat his back and stand up, obviously leaving the room. His humming slowly stopped and Phil pulled the covers away from their heads.

“Want to go and play on the trampoline? It will make you feel better,” he asked and Dan shook his head. “Please, I’m worried about you too, you’ve barely left your bed. I don’t like going home knowing you are still feeling rubbishy,” Phil pleaded and Dan sighed, then made himself smile.

“Okay. But not for long,” he said and Phil grinned.

Phil was right. Dan was still in his pyjamas and it was late afternoon but as soon as Phil dragged him onto the trampoline, gave Dan a pair of odd socks and began bouncing, he did feel better. And then when Phil took his hands and told him to look at the sky, Dan looked at Phil. His glasses were nearly falling off his nose and his hair was rising and falling with his body and his hands were a little sweaty but the gleam in his eyes was too magical to miss.

Dan felt as if he was flying, and more so, that it would all be okay.

*

It had been a week since his parents had told him their situation. They told him that if by the time he started secondary school he hadn’t gotten rid of Phil, he would be made to go to counselling.

“I hate them,” Dan said, punching his pillow while Phil sat at the other end of his bed, clutching his own away from Dan.

“The pillow hasn’t done anything wrong though,” He said softly and Dan groaned.

“Phil, they don’t get it. You’re real,” he said and Phil nodded silently. “You’re real and they’re just really stupid and are being mean. You’re great and funny and I don’t understand why they don’t like you so much. They’re probably just jealous,” Dan babbled.

“So what are we going to do?” Phil asked and Dan sighed, pulling the corners of the cushion out.

“Run away?” he suggested feebly and Phil gave him a small smile.

“Yeah, join the circus. I’ll do my eye tricks and you do your weird wrist thing,” He mused and Dan chuckled.

“You’d probably get us kicked out if they had a lion though, you’d try and steal it,”

“Yeah but imagine riding off into the sunset on the back of a lion,” Phil grinned.

“You’re allergic to cats,” Dan reminded him and Phil pouted.

“I don’t know if lions count,” he said and Dan laughed, staring at his pillow as his smile faded.

“This is what I mean, they don’t get it,” he mumbled. “How could you not be real?”

Phil stayed quiet and Dan looked up worriedly, but Phil was reaching out to touch his hand, drawing a cross on the back of it before moving away.

“But you can’t go to counselling,” Phil told him gently, worry in his eyes and Dan nodded.

“We’ll have to be careful,” Dan decided. “When my parents are around…” he trailed off and stood up, motioning for Phil to be quiet as he peeked through his door in case his parents were listening. He shut his door properly before sitting closer to Phil on his bed.

“We can sneak out and meet each other this holiday and you can still come round but you’ll have to hide. How much does your mum know?” Dan asked and Phil bit his lip.

“I don’t really know if your mum has talked to mine,” he said nervously.

“We’ll figure it out,” Dan reassured him and Phil gave a nod, but he still looked scared. Dan rested a hand on Phil’s pillow. “I promise.”

“Stage one of battle plan pretend-I’m-pretend: Go!” Phil whispered and Dan grinned. They’d sort it out.

*

It was raining way too hard for it to be summer. Fat tadpoles of water were sliding down Dan’s window as he stared into his garden. He had promised Phil he’d meet up with him today, but because of the weather Dan’s mum hadn’t let him go outside. She thought he was going to be meeting a friend at the park, and because it was raining she said there was no point in him going. She didn’t know that friend was Phil, and she thought Dan had already called the friend to check they weren’t meeting. That was great in making it look as if Dan was moving on from Phil, but not good because Phil didn’t have a phone. Dan couldn’t contact him to say they weren’t meeting and couldn’t leave the house to bring Phil in from the rain. He had no idea what to do but he was really worried Phil was sitting in the rain getting drenched waiting for him. Phil wasn’t the type to break something they had agreed on. Dan was really hoping Phil’s mum had made him stay inside too.

So far their plan had been working out, Dan would either go to meet Phil in the park (his mother at least was this lenient) and then they would stay there or Dan would sneak Phil back to his and they’d talk quietly or play games in his room. His parents just thought he was ‘growing up’ and being more antisocial. Dan was in fact harbouring a fugitive.

Honestly, Dan missed Phil. He missed being able to hang out with him so easily like they used to. He missed when his parents could see Phil and knew he was real. He wondered what had happened to them, but they had told him they were only going along with what Dan was saying because ‘imaginary friends are common for children your age’. Dan apparently just hadn’t grown out of it.

He sighed and left his room, slumping down the steps before he heard a tapping at the door, and a hand waving through the frosted glass.

“Phil?” Dan muttered and hurried down the steps, clicking the door open and seeing Phil standing with dripping clothes and barely able to see through his glasses.

“You didn’t come.” Phil whispered and Dan grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside and quickly up to his room, shutting the door firmly.

“You didn’t come and meet me,” Phil repeated, only hurt in his voice as Dan put a towel over his head and started to dry off his hair.

“I’m so sorry, I wanted to but mum wouldn’t let me out because of the rain,” Dan said, rubbing the strands between his fingers and the towel. Phil pulled off his glasses and used a bit of Dan’s t-shirt to wipe them before putting them back on. Dan couldn’t miss the pain in his eyes.

“I thought you’d forgotten me.” Phil breathed and Dan’s mouth fell open, before he crushed Phil to his body.

“I would never,” Dan stated, louder then he probably should have. “I would and could never forget about you Phil Lester. You are my best friend in the universe and very important to me,” Dan told him and Phil snuffled into his shoulder, bending slightly so he could hide there.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” He whispered and Dan ached.

“Never.”

*

They were lying together in Dan’s bed, Phil tucked up close to Dan, but Dan was thinking. Thinking too much. He didn’t like this feeling. He hadn’t ever experienced uncertainty like this before and it was making him feel sick, like everything was about crumble away around him and he’d just be stuck, alone gripping nothing in mid-air.

“You’re not sleeping,” Phil pointed out, yawning and snuggling back into him. Dan couldn’t do this.

“Phil, you don’t have a mum, do you?” Dan asked dryly and Phil stiffened, then shuffled closer, clutching Dan’s arm and whispering against the skin.

“No,”

“And you don’t only live around the corner,” Dan added.

“No,”

“And you don’t exist to anyone else apart from me,”

“Yeah.”

Dan paused for a moment.

“So that’s why we can’t go to your house,”

“Yes,”

“And that’s why my mum doesn’t talk to your mum anymore,”

“Yes

“And that’s why you always turn up when I need you,”

“Yes.”

“Phil… why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asked and Phil hid his face, his grip tightening around Dan’s arm as he felt Phil’s breaths flutter against his skin.

“I…”

Dan took a deep breath in and turned to face Phil, his jaw clenched and he shook him off his arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he hissed and Phil swallowed, grabbing his glasses and sliding them on, sitting up and moving away.

“I didn’t want you to get mad at me. You were happy, I thought it was best-“Phil stuttered but Dan sat up and glared at him.

“You should have told me!” he growled. “You have been lying to me for all this time and you didn’t think I deserved the truth!” Dan was trying not to yell, trying to stay quiet. But he was so angry.

“Dan I’m sorry,” Phil tried again but Dan shook his head.

“You made me believe that you were real, that you liked me, you made me believe that we were in everything together but you lied! You’re none of those things,” Dan said and Phil grabbed his hand.

“I do like you. Dan I really like you, we are in everything together. I just couldn’t tell you I wasn’t real because… because…”

“Because what Phil? You were scared I’d forget about you?” Dan spat.

“Yes! I don’t want to not exist!” Phil yelled and Dan fell quiet. Phil was trembling but still clutching his hand so determinedly, not moving his gaze from his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you just as much as I don’t want to lose myself,” Phil breathed and Dan dropped his head.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his head dropping onto Phil’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think because I keep forgetting I’m keeping you here. I’m so used to thinking you’re real that I forget things can go really wrong and I could lose you forever,” Dan breathed, reality finally falling down on him hard.

“I’m sorry I made you think that. I can go, if you want,” Phil sniffed and Dan shook his head quickly

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he said harshly, moving back and glaring at Phil who flinched, again biting his lip.

“You swore,” he murmured and Dan squeezed his hand.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Dan told him honestly and Phil shuffled.

“Really?” he asked almost in disbelief and Dan pulled him into a fierce hug.

“Fuck you for thinking I would,”

“You shouldn’t be swearing,” Phil mumbled against his neck and Dan shook his head.

“Not until you promise not to leave,” Dan stated, pulling away and catching Phil’s eyes again.

“Dan you’re the one with the power to-“

“Promise me.”

Phil gave him a small smile and grabbed the duvet, pulling it over them as he lay down, coaxing Dan to do the same before he curled back up against him. He gripped his arm with his hands and looked up into Dan’s eyes.

“I promise.”

Dan gave him a contented nod and nervously moved his arm so it was draped across Phil’s waist. It was kind of weird and not too comfortable, but Phil was smiling like he’d won the lottery, so he didn’t mind so much.

“This means I get to spend more time with you,” Phil mumbled and Dan grinned, turning to face Phil a little more.

“You’re a dork,” he told him and Phil stuck his tongue out. The smile slid off his face as Dan kept thinking.

“Phil, you’ll be here when I wake up, right?” he asked nervously.

“Course I will,” he yawned.

“And while I sleep?”

“I promise. Now stop thinking about it and actually go to sleep. You’re obviously not letting me go anywhere.” Phil sent him a small smirk and Dan pinched his waist, making Phil yelp, but he let go of Dan’s arm and buried into his chest instead. Dan rolled his eyes, but wrapped his arm back around Phil anyway.

Just in case.

*

Dan kept his head down in school. He walked from class to class silently, his fists curled and trying not to shut his eyes. He didn’t really like walking in this new world, and it had only been a week. There were too many people and some of them were a lot older and looked so mean. Dan knew he was meant to be able to handle people, but he was so used to just having one person around it was difficult to adjust. The voices around him were too loud, the squeak of shoes on rubber floors and slamming of locker doors. Everything was too loud and Dan just wanted to be able to hear the two voices he knew the most. His and Phil’s.

Each lunch or break he would sneak off. The good thing about Phil being available meant that Dan just had to find somewhere he wouldn’t be found and then Phil would be there. So that’s where Dan was heading now; a deserted edge of the old maths corridor. There was a small cupboard there that no one really used anymore, so as soon as Dan got in and turned on the light he would be greeted by Phil’s smiling face, his hand covered in ink stamps. And God was it a good sight to see.

“Hey,” Phil grinned and Dan sat down beside him, slipping his bag to the floor and pulling out his lunch.

“I still hate maths,” he said and Phil chuckled.

“It’s still only the first week,” he reminded him and Dan shrugged.

“It’s still maths. You’re lucky you don’t have to do it,” he said. Phil sighed in return.

“Honestly, I’d rather do maths if it would mean…” he trailed off and ducked his head, laughing nervously. “I mean yeah, I hate it too,”

“I’m sorry,” Dan mumbled, nudging Phil’s shoulder. “I should have thought before I spoke,”

Phil smiled gently. “How grown up of you to say,” he commented and Dan chose to shove Phil’s knee away playfully instead.

“We’re in secondary school,” he reminded him.

“Yeah but we’re eleven. We’re meant to still be having fun.” Phil pointed out and let his head flop onto Dan’s shoulder, pausing. “Dan,” he said softly. “Sorry I’m making things sad, I just know how much easier it would be if I was… yeah.”

Dan tutted and brought his arm around Phil’s shoulder and squeezed firmly. “You are. Just especially to me, which is why I can see and touch you,” He explained and Phil smiled.

“Just don’t grow up too soon, okay?” he asked and Dan nodded.

“Pinkie promise.” Dan said and hooked their fingers together. “I promise I won’t grow up too soon or you can cut my pinkie off.” Dan stated and let their hands drop, Phil’s smile brightening.

He pretended they were still linked for the rest of the day.

*

Dan was now very used to Phil sleeping beside him. He was very used to Phil’s eyes being only a nose-length away from him when they lay down. He was used to his skin feeling warm from where Phil held onto him. However, he wasn’t used to Phil’s random outbursts.

These outbursts could go from imagining the sky to be a different colour to the theory of time travel being invented but not given to humans because it'd be used in the wrong ways. Dan loved every single one that came out of Phil’s mouth when the lights were out and they could barely see each other.

“Dan, maybe you should try and make some friends.”

Dan didn’t like this one.

“What?” he asked, bewildered, and Phil sighed and pressed his nose against Dan’s cheek.

“You’re lonely,” he stated.

“I have you,” Dan replied instantly and Phil smiled, but shook his head.

“I’m part time. You need other people. How about talking to that boy in History who you say is funny?”

“You want me to replace you?” Dan asked uncertainly.

“No,”

“You don’t like me anymore?” Phil ran a hand through Dan’s hair, a small smile on his face.

“How could you even think that?” He mumbled and Dan held his breath. Phil wasn’t usually this tender with his actions. “I just don’t want you to be lonely. I know you pretend to hold my hand when you walk around school without me actually being there,” Phil said, continuing to run his hand through Dan’s fringe. “You shouldn’t be missing out because of me,”

“But I like missing out because of you,” Dan murmured and Phil shook his head.

“You can still have me to and from school and at home. I’m always here for you and you know it,” Phil reminded him and Dan was quiet. Phil stopped stroking through his hair.

“Please don’t stop doing that,” he whispered and Phil smiled, starting to move his hand again, causing Dan to sigh. “I’ll think about it. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re not important because things have changed,” Dan explained and Phil laughed.

“I don’t think you could ever make me feel that,” Phil said and Dan closed his eyes.

“Tell me if I do okay?”

“Of course.” Phil pulled Dan closer. “Remember when we went out onto your trampoline at midnight and saw that shooting star?” Phil asked and Dan grumbled in response. “I made a wish on it. I can’t tell you what it was, but I really want it to come true. That’s why I make so many wishes.”

Dan didn’t respond apart from squeezing his arm. One day he’d tell Phil he gave all his wishes to him. He wanted all Phil’s wishes to come true too. Every single one.

*

They fell into a routine shortly after that. At school Dan made friends and realised he had been lonely. At home he was still the happiest he could be. His new friends were great and having a proper conversation with someone in more than one class was making him feel so much more a part of his year. He just felt a little more alive.

Phil was really nice about it too. He asked about Dan’s friends and laughed at his stories about them. However, Dan would always tell him after without fault that Phil was still his favourite, and Phil would just smile as if he was content. They still played video games together and stayed up late and got ready for the day in the morning. It was just now Dan was a little less sad around school and Phil was a little more cheerful at home.

“I’m totally going to beat your butt,” Dan grinned as he sent a blue shell after Phil, who yelped and nudged Dan with his shoulder, sighing as he got hit.

“The one time I was doing well and you take it from me. You are the worst person I know,” Phil said, coming in fourth as he finally went past the finish line.

“I’m the only person you know,”

“Exactly.” Phil deadpanned. Dan’s mouth fell open.

“Rude!”

“You blue-shelled me!”

“Do you wanna battle?” Dan asked cockily, looming over Phil who laughed, bringing his forehead next to Dan’s.

“Bring it on, butterface.”

With a battle cry Braveheart would be proud of, Dan leapt forwards and pinned Phil to the ground, tickling his ribs and hearing him shriek as he tried to push him off, managing to get him on his side. Phil swung his legs up and sat on his stomach, pinning his arms down properly and grinning.

“When did you get strong?” Dan asked, honestly shocked.

“When you wanted me to be I guess.” Phil grinned and Dan felt his face heat up. Phil suddenly went very quiet and climbed off Dan. “Knew I’d win,” he mumbled but Dan caught onto his arm and made him face him, seeing Phil look a little confused, his eyes wide, like he’d realised something.

“I’ll get you next time,” Dan told him and the smile returned in Phil’s eyes.

“Best out of three?”

*

“Henry is coming for a sleepover tomorrow.”

Dan had broken the silence and he heard Phil’s breathing pause. He was glad it was dark but didn’t like how Phil’s grip on him had loosened.

It had been a year since Dan had properly started talking to people at his school and Henry had become a good friend. He was very different to Phil (not that Dan had consciously made a comparison) with brown eyes and brown hair that curled away from his forehead. His features were rounded and he was quite small in build. He messed around with Dan and had introduced him to his other friends, Eve, Mel, Rohan and Liam. They had happily welcomed him into their group and Dan had become less lonely, it was just that he and Henry were the closest. It wasn’t like he was a better friend than Phil, or any worse, just that Dan’s home was a place for only them, and Dan knew it probably wasn’t going to be too okay with Phil that someone else would be muscling in. However, when it came to actually asking Phil if it was okay to invite Henry to stay over, he had sort of not. And now Henry was coming the next day and he actually had to tell him.

“Oh. Is this spontaneous or?” Phil asked quietly and Dan bit his lip.

“I asked him on Monday.” Phil was silent for a minute.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Dan honestly wasn’t sure what to say. Because he was worried it was upset Phil but he’d been to Henry’s about a billion times and not the other way round and felt it only fair? That he wanted to spend more time with Henry because he was a cool person but was worried Phil would get mad? That he was worried Phil would get jealous? That was a new kind of thought.

“I didn’t want you to feel like I don’t want you around anymore,” He decided and Phil sighed.

“I don’t feel that. I just wish you had told me? I mean, I won’t be able to sleep beside you tomorrow,” Phil said, moving away from Dan a little more who closed his eyes.

“You can,” Dan argued weakly but Phil gave a dry laugh.

“Yeah, when he’s asleep. I’ll be on call, here for your every demand.”

“Phil,” Dan tried, his stomach twisting and Phil shuffled closer to him again.

“I’m sorry, that was mean. Honestly, I’m jealous, but I’m not going to stop you seeing your friends. Don’t worry about it, I won’t interrupt you. I mean, I have you to myself pretty much all the time and I would be able to tell if you were getting bored of me so it’s okay. I’m okay,” Phil said and brought his arms around Dan who hugged him tightly.

“You are probably the most important person in the world to me, I will never get bored of you. Please come and see me when Henry’s asleep tomorrow because as much as I like him, nights are kind of reserved for you,” Dan told him shyly and he felt Phil smile against his cheek.

“Okay,”

“Also I didn’t know you’re a jealous person,” Dan said and Phil chuckled.

“I can get very jealous. It’s really bad considering our situation but I can handle it most of the time,” Phil said and Dan ruffled his hair.

“You sound old, stop that,”

“Okay, Peter Pan,”

Shove off, Wendy.” Phil shoved him away.

“Like hell I’d be Wendy, I’d totally be Hook,”

“In your dreams.” Dan smiled. “In your dreams.”

*

“Dude, I don’t think I’d punch a hole in the moon for a girl if I had mystical powers. I’d probably just beat up assholes in school,” Henry said, popcorn in his mouth and Dan flicked more at him.

“That’s what he did with Ramona. Are you even watching this movie?” Dan teased and Henry shoved him.

“Dick off. Seriously though if I had vegan powers I would kick some ass,”

“Same. Or just hover everywhere as walking is effort,” Dan agreed and yawned.

“We could be vegan superheroes,” Henry mused and Dan laughed.

“Yeah sure, like we’d bother,”

“I don’t know if it would get me a girlfriend then I’d be down for it,” He said dreamily and Dan rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe you care about that already, we’re like twelve,” Dan said and Henry stuck his tongue out at Dan.

“You are twelve, you have like three months until you’re thirteen. Then you’ll understand,” he said knowingly.

“That’s rubbish. I’m not going to turn thirteen and as soon as it’s midnight think about kissing girls,” Dan told him and Henry laughed.

“How can you not though, some girls are just so pretty,” he said wistfully and then bit his lip.

“Wait,” Dan said, a grin slowly spreading across his face. “There’s just one girl you want to kiss, isn’t there?”

“No!” Henry yelped and Dan threw a cushion at him.

“Who is she? Not Mel or Eve right?”

“Ew, no. And I don’t wanna say,” Henry said and Dan moved onto the sofa next to him.

“Come on. I won’t tell, promise.” He said and Henry sighed.

“Only because I trust you, but if you tell anyone I’ll punch you.” Henry took a deep breath and his cheeks rose in colour. “She’s in my English class so you might not know her. Emily Benton?” he asked and Dan grinned.

“I know her, she’s very pretty. And funny,”

“I sit next to her in lessons and like, yeah,” he trailed off, hiding his face behind his hands.

“Do you thinks she likes you back?”

“I don’t know, girls are weird, you know?”

“I don’t but going on my knowledge from Mel, then yeah, no one can ever tell. Just see if it seems she likes you back the same way and then tell her?” Dan suggested and Henry shook his head.

“You don’t just tell a girl you like them, it makes you look like an idiot,” he said and Dan rolled his eyes.

“Man if it’s that difficult I just won’t bother,”

“Good idea.”

*

“Phil,” Dan whispered as soon as Henry was snoring and he heard the door creak open a little and saw Phil step into the room. He smiled at Dan and then picked his way over to the bed, sliding in beside Dan. But he then climbed over Dan clumsily, nearly sitting on him to get to his side next to the window. When he did however he curled a little closer into him.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,”

“How was it?”

“Fun. Wished you were there to watch the movies though, you’d love Scott Pilgrim,” Dan said. “But we can watch it another time,” he assured, stopping Phil’s face from falling.

“What else did you guys do?”

“Ate popcorn, laughed, threw pillows. Henry talked about girls. Apparently as soon as you turn thirteen you want to start kissing them. I don’t really see that happening to me. They’re pretty yeah but I don’t know about kissing,” Dan said. Phil was quiet before he spoke up.

“Just girls?” he asked nervously and Dan shrugged.

“Henry only said girls. But I don’t think he meant it would be bad to want to kiss guys though,” Dan said thoughtfully. “Why? Did this happen to you when you turned thirteen?” Dan asked and Phil shook his head quickly.

“No. Who would I even want to kiss?” he said hurriedly and Dan chuckled.

“Henry was probably lying anyway, so I don’t care." Phil hugged onto his arm.

“But you had fun, yeah?”

“Yeah. We’ll have a night like that sometime, sound good?” Dan asked and Phil nudged his nose against his shoulder.

“Yeah.”

*

_Dan’s bed was cold and empty and his room was silent. Only sobs bouncing off the bare walls could be heard echoing around him, and Dan knew who these sobs belonged to. Phil sounded so scared._

_He started to look everywhere for him, starting slowly at first, gently opening cupboard doors and peering under the bed as to not frighten him. But it got more frantic. Mattresses were pulled off, lampshades ripped away from light bulbs and flooring clawed at. He couldn’t find him._

_Dan was trying to scream Phil’s name, call to him in some form of comfort, to find where he was, but his throat felt as if invisible hands were around it and pressing firmly. His eyes watered as he tried to breathe and his eyes rolled back in his head, glimpsing Phil on the ceiling, gagged and sobbing as he tried to get down to Dan._

_But then things were looking more fuzzy, were roaring in his ears and Dan suddenly felt calm as he hit the floor. Water was causing him to sink so slowly, almost oozing through the substance as he felt a hand grip his and pull upwards through shimmering light and Phil was holding him tightly, pushing him up onto some steps of a swimming pool. Dan blinked in his surroundings, he had had a party here when he was six. The same pool floats were drifting around as Phil shook him, saying words he couldn’t quite hear. Phil’s hair was pretty when it was wet._

_But then Phil rolled his eyes and dived back into the water, and Dan on instinct took a breath before following. Everything was still silent around him as he followed Phil past fish and seaweed, the only thing he could hear was Phil’s voice whispering. And he sounded angry. Why would Phil be angry?_

_They reached the bottom of the sea and it was almost pitch black. Dan reached out and grabbed onto Phil’s wrist, but Phil pushed him off and everything was suddenly different. They were back in Dan’s room, and he could hear._

_“I don’t like being around you anymore! You’re keeping me here against my will!” Phil was shouting and Dan felt as if he was still underwater. “When you don’t want me around I go to my real world where it’s great, but because of you I keep getting forced into this hellhole. Let me go! I can’t pretend anymore that this is all fine, because it’s not. I can’t deal with you anymore!”_

_Phil was crying. His breath was retching as he yelled and Dan felt his heart twist more and his shirt stick to him faster. What he thought had been normal water was red, and his shirt was now leaking crimson._

_“But I need you,” Dan breathed, reaching a hand out to him and Phil curled in on himself._

_“Let me go. Please. I can’t take it anymore.” Phil whispered and Dan managed to nod before he fell on his knees. He didn’t know dyed chlorine could hurt so much._

Dan woke up to Phil’s face above his, sweaty hair being stroked back from his forehead and gentle words being whispered as he shook. Phil didn’t look unhappy to be here, he looked like he cared. And _God damn_ did that feel reassuring.

“I’m here,” Phil whispered and Dan so desperately wanted to hug him but his arms were too heavy. “You had a nightmare. You’re safe now, this is all real. I’m here, I’m real.”

For once however, Dan wasn’t sure if he was.

Phil caressed Dan’s cheek and he closed his eyes, relishing the touch, but it felt too light, too cold.

“You hated me,” Dan breathed and Phil shook his head.

“Never,” he said firmly and Dan grunted as he tried to lift his arms again, and this time Phil understood and shuffled up so Dan’s arms were around his torso and his head was resting on Dan’s. Dan squeezed him so hard that Phil gave off a winded chuckle. This was real and Phil felt warm.

“Choking,” he gasped and Dan loosened his grip a little.

“I don’t want you to leave me,” Dan mumbled into his chest and Phil rubbed his back.

“I don’t want to leave you either,” he said calmly and Dan hiccupped.

“If you ever want to go you can.” Phil buried his nose in Dan’s hair.

“Why would I want to do that?” he asked gently and Dan just shook his head.

“You can if you want.”

They didn’t talk for a while after that. Phil kept holding Dan and Dan kept whimpering randomly and Phil kept stroking Dan’s hair and Dan kept telling Phil he had a choice to leave. Dan didn’t want him to, but if Phil wanted to then he could. All they did was reciprocal, they worked together. They let each other go when they needed to. Well, Phil did. Dan wasn’t quite ready in the same way.

“If you could like not leave me ever that would be great,” Dan told him when he had calmed down properly, which had made Phil chuckle.

“You’re full of things that don’t make sense tonight. That dream got you bad.” Phil had tried to lighten the mood but Dan had only been able to nod. “Want to talk about it?” he asked more tentatively and Dan shook his head.

“Just promise you’ll say if you want me to let you go,” Dan told him and Phil pressed his cheek to the top of Dan’s head.

“I will.”

“Also we won’t be going swimming for a while,”

“That’s fine.”

Dan relaxed as Phil shuffled them back to their normal sleeping arrangement but tonight gripped his hand in Dan’s shirt. Phil didn’t want to let him go too.

They lay there quietly, Dan once a while opening his eyes to the darkness of his ceiling and trying not to make anything harder than it was. But one question was burning in the back of his mind.

“Phil?” He whispered. “Are you still there when I close my eyes?”

Phil didn’t answer.

 

 


	2. Something wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say growing older really sucks

“Happy fourteenth birthday darling!” Dan’s mum grinned as she woke him up to a breakfast of pancakes in bed. Dan grumbled and rubbed his eyes before smiling at her and sitting up, shuffling around before reaching for the tray his mum handed to him.

“Thanks,” he said, chuckling at the candles she had stuck into the stack.

“Eat up, your dad and I are downstairs with your presents when you’re done. We wish we didn’t have to work today but not all of us can have half term,” she smiled and Dan nodded.

“That’s okay mum, I’ll be down soon.” He said and she gave him a wan smile before leaving the room.

“Those look so tasty,” he heard Phil say from beside him and he jumped. He had forgotten Phil was next to him. Actually, he had barely seen him.

“I know right,” Dan grinned, trying to settle the uneasiness in his stomach.

“Happy birthday,” Phil told him. “Make your wish.”

Whenever Dan closed his eyes and made a wish he would always imagine the candles staying lit and passing the flames to Phil so he could use it as he wanted. This time however, Phil was what he pictured when he made his first personal wish for a long time. It probably wouldn’t take a genius to know what it was, but seeing the smoke curling through the air he smiled and reached out for Phil’s hand.

“I feel like this wish is a good one,” Dan told him and Phil squeezed back.

“Eat your pancakes.” he said, but Dan caught the flush on his cheeks.

The pancakes were of course delicious and Phil stole some of his juice but Dan was still very much enjoying his birthday breakfast until Phil reminded him.

“I wish I could give you a present,” Phil said softly and Dan’s chewing slowed down. “I don’t really have much to offer you. And then I steal all your body heat at nights,” he sighed thoughtfully and Dan swallowed.

“At least you don’t hog the covers,”

“Dan,” Phil whined, but let his head flop onto his shoulder, quiet falling for a few seconds too long.

“You don’t have to get me anything. I’m just happy you’re still here,” Dan whispered and Phil sat back up and cut off a piece of pancake. He guided it to Dan’s mouth to which he let himself be fed, but then nearly choked as Phil swiftly kissed his cheek.

“Happy birthday.”

Dan was pretty sure he became a raspberry as he spluttered jam everywhere.

*

“Phil, remember ages ago when Henry said that thirteen was the age you start to notice and like people properly? I think fourteen is the age that happens,”

“Really? Why?”

“I got invited to a house party and I kind of want to go because Leila will be there,”

“Oh. That sounds like it could be fun. Who is she? Do you think she could like you back?”

“I don’t know, but she’s in my form and so pretty and I don’t know what to do,”

“You’re not really asking someone with experience,”

“Yeah but you’ve got to have thought about telling someone you like them and how to do it in the perfect way at least once. Have you? _Phil_. Phil?”

“Hmm? Yeah, sorry, just thinking,”

“Also you’re my best friend,”

“Mmm. Will there be alcohol?”

“I think so. Probably,”

“That could either be a good thing or a bad thing for you. It could help you tell her. But if it’s your first time drinking you won’t know how you act,”

“You have a point,”

“You might take your clothes off or throw up or even wet yourself, “

“I will not wet myself! Hey, stop laughing, I won’t!”

“I know all about your bed wetting experiences remember,”

“Ew. Okay fine, if I drink I’ll be careful, Mr Know-it-all. What else?”

“I don’t know. If I was to tell someone I liked them it would probably take me a while and I’d end out blurting it. Try the Pacman fact,”

“I’m not using that Pacman fact,”

“Then I don’t know,”

“Ugh. You’re useless,”

“At your service.”

“Man I hope you never like anyone, it really sucks.”

Phil didn’t look at his face when he answered. “Yeah.” he said bluntly. “It must do.”

*

“I just think she’s so nice, you know?”

Dan was draped over Henry who was giggling while he drank. “And like she’s dancing and she’s really nice at it,” Dan continued, swaying along offbeat to the music.

“Why don’t you go and dance with her?” Mel asked and Dan shook his head.

“No. Bad Mel. Not ready,” Dan reprimanded, pointing a finger in her face but missing and poking her nose.

“You’re such a sloppy drunk,” she laughed.

“Dan mate, you don’t have much to lose. I did it before and now I have a girlfriend,” Henry told him.

“She rejected you,” Rohan pointed out. “Dan, do what you want, don’t let this asshole pressure you,”

“But I’m his favourite asshole,” Henry slurred and Rohan rolled his eyes.

“Tis true,” Dan mumbled and finished his cup.

“Okay who’s on Stop Dan Drinking duty?” Mel asked. “I vote Liam because he hasn’t drunk,”

“I second that, I’ll walk him home later,” Liam said and Dan grinned at him.

“Thanks Li, you’re so nice. I should date you instead of thingy,” he gurgled and Liam laughed.

“Yeah if you ever decide you swing that way, it’s not going to happen,”

“Aw man.” Dan slumped further onto the sofa.

“You’re just not my type,” Liam shrugged.

“What is your type?” Eve asked and Liam smiled, running a hand through his hair before leaning towards her.

“You.” He whispered and she just laughed in his face.

“Shame I have higher standards,”

“Ouch,”

“What about you Dan? You noticed you have a certain thing you look for?” Henry asked and Dan shrugged.

“I only really like Leila. She’s so pretty though, her hair is so curly and her skin is like coffee like it looks so soft and foamy,” Dan burbled and Mel laughed.

“I wouldn’t say that kind of thing to her Romeo, it won’t go down well. But have you really not got a type?”

“I like… um… dark hair. Yeah. And sometimes glasses,” Dan said thoughtfully.

“Well Leila fits both of those, especially as she doesn’t wear her glasses all the time,” Mel said and Dan nodded, wriggling his shoulders.

“I’m going to go tell her I like her glasses,” Dan declared, standing up shakily.

“She’s not wearing them,”

“I mean like in general,” Dan said confidently and took a deep breath. “I got this.”

*

“You’re lucky your parents are out tonight or else you would be in deep shit,” Liam said, half carrying the bleary eyed Dan up his path.

“Yeah. It’s a shame Phil couldn’t come with me though, that would have been fun,” he rambled.

“Who’s Phil?”

“This really awesome guy who’s great,” Dan told him confidently as he tripped again and Liam hauled him up.

“Keys please.” Dan passed him the keys and Liam unlocked the door for him before handing them back.

“I’m glad this guy is really great. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Leila, but it could have gone a lot worse. Drink some water before you go to bed and try and sleep it off. Get painkillers for tomorrow morning. Good luck with your first hangover. See you Monday and I hope you listened to some of that information.”

“The stars are so pretty,”

“Go to bed Dan, bye.”

Liam made sure Dan had waved goodbye and shut the door before he left, and Dan struggled up the stairs and flopped onto his bed face first.

“I got you a glass of water,” He heard a voice say and Dan grinned before rolling over to see Phil.

“Phil!” He struggled up and nearly fell over when he tried to hug him.

“Dan!” Phil replied, humouring his enthusiasm and giving him a one armed hug, then thrust the water at him. “Drink all of this,” he said and Dan nodded and gulped the whole glass down. “Good. Now you need to go to bed,” Phil said and Dan shook his head.

“Noooo, I want to stay up with you. I wanna dance with you. I wish you had come to the party, it would have been so fun,” Dan whined and Phil gave him a small smile.

“We both agreed it wasn’t a good idea. And we can stay up talking but you should get into your pyjamas. That sound okay?” Dan nodded sleepily and rubbed his eyes, yawning.

“Okay mom,” he mumbled and Phil chuckled.

“You really are a child sometimes. Which is good,” He added softly and brushed some of Dan’s hair from his eyes, before realising what he was doing and shoved Dan’s pyjamas at him.

“I wanna sleep in my boxers,” Dan told him and Phil sighed, looking away as Dan started to strip.

“Fine. But I’m wearing my pyjamas.” he mumbled.

When Dan had finished almost falling out of his jeans he looked up to see Phil already in his pyjamas. “You changed fast, like nyoom,” he burbled and Phil shook his head.

“Into bed,” he said and slid in first, Dan joining in after. Dan wondered why Phil wasn’t cuddling him like usual so draped his arm around his waist and shuffled closer to him, bumping their noses.

“Hi,” he giggled and Phil felt warm against his skin.

“You’re an idiot,” Phil told him, but he was smiling.

“I’m super smart.”

“How did things go with Leila?” he asked softly and Dan hummed.

“Not so good,” he frowned. “I said her hair was like sunflowers. That doesn’t even make sense, her hair is brown,” He muttered and Phil sighed.

“Regretting getting drunk?”

“Not really. She was really nice about it, saying she was flattered but she didn’t like me that way. At least I know now,” Dan explained and Phil nodded.

“Maybe… maybe you shouldn’t go to another party for a while,” Phil said quietly.

“Why? It was fun,” Dan wondered and Phil moved his hand so it rested on Dan’s.

“I mean, you’re fourteen. I know it’s now kind of the norm to drink at this age but like, two years ago you were twelve. That’s very different,” Phil said and Dan hummed.

“Are you not telling me something again? You’re doing that thing where you avoid the question,” Dan said and Phil sighed.

“You got me. Why are you still perceptive when you're drunk? Dan, I don’t have these kind of experiences so I can’t understand how you feel and share your opinion. Doing this kind of thing is growing up but I’m scared because you’re gonna grow up and I don’t want you to leave me behind,” Phil gabbled and Dan bumped his forehead against Phil’s.

“You’re silly. You’re always with me, I’m not going to leave you behind. Experiences shmeeriences, you’re a lot more important,” Dan said and Phil squeezed his arm.

“Good. You should go to bed now,”

“You okay? Anything else you wanna say?” Dan asked and Phil shook his head.

“No. Goodnight,”

“Night.”

They lay in silence for a while until Phil twisted so Dan was spooning him and Dan pulled him closer. It was then a thought occurred to him.

“Hey Phil, you wear glasses,”

“No shit Sherlock,” Phil replied tiredly and Dan chuckled, pressing his nose against the back of Phil’s neck.

“I like glasses.”

Phil didn’t say a word, but when Dan moved his fingers against Phil’s lips he felt him smiling.

*

The thing about having 3G internet was that Dan could use it when Phil wasn’t around. It wasn’t as if he was hiding anything bad, more that he was just searching methods of black magic. Okay, that was sort of bad but he had good reasons for it. Wanting Phil to be able to become real was definitely a good reason.

Dan hated Phil missing out because he wasn’t alive and Dan hated wanting to do this because fuck it, Phil was already real but it just wasn’t real enough. Nothing was real enough.  Life was simply made of concepts which altered from person to person. Just not all concepts would get Dan put in a psychiatric ward because seeing someone real to only you means you’re crazy, but the theory of time, no that’s normal. Being different made you wrong but being different meant Dan had Phil and Phil had made his life better. He wasn’t doing this to make himself seem normal anyway, he was doing this so Dan could repay Phil and give him the world.

Dan had been working through any information he could find about black magic. At the moment he was on his fifth tab and looking at voodoo. However, he had had to delete some tabs when he had googled ‘how to make an imaginary friend come to life’ as they had suggested counselling and going to a ‘special secure place to receive special care’. That had definitely shaken Dan, and he was scared that night that Phil had flickered. But that really had been his imagination as it turned out he was running a fever and Morgan Freeman also wasn’t in his room.

A few days later Dan was better and back on searching, but Phil had caught him one night and just laughed at him and left him to it. Dan had felt his heart flicker, wondering if Phil was hoping Dan could find a way to make him human too. He’d been through about seventy websites, each with little hints of what to do but nothing final. Dan also kept finding dandelion puffs and making wishes on them.

He was rapidly searching for an answer one evening when Phil sat behind him, moving so one of his arms rested along Dan’s while he typed.

"Dan, maybe you should stop with all this stuff," Phil said gently, resting his head on his shoulder and linking his fingers through Dan’s. But Dan didn’t even register it.

"No Phil look I've almost found something-"

"Dan," Phil's voice was harsher and Dan swallowed before turning to look at him. "I want you to stop," he said firmly. Dan licked his lips and shut his laptop, moving it away before turning around and facing him properly.

"I... Why?" The word died in Dan's throat and Phil curled his legs up.

"It's pointless,"

“Are you saying you don’t want to be around me anymore?” Dan asked, then his stomach dropped. “Do you hate me?” Dan asked quietly, his eyes shining with tears as he caught Phil’s.

“No!” Phil exclaimed, looking shocked at the accusation. “How could you think…? Dan, I-“ Phil took a deep breath, his fist clenched before it uncurled and he looked back at Dan. “I would never hate you,” he told him, one of his hands moving towards his face and Dan desperately hoped Phil would touch his cheek, fix his hair, just do something Phil-like to make it better. But Phil moved his hand back, looking pained. “It’s just pointless,”

"But it's not, you could be real and-"

"Just give it up! I can never become real!" Phil yelled suddenly and Dan flinched. "I can’t believe in any of that, it won't work and it will just end up making you feel terrible. Wishes never come true," he said bitterly but Dan shook his head, reaching a hand out for Phil’s but he pulled away.

"But you've always made wishes. You made me make wishes. You believe in all that, you always have,” Dan said earnestly and Phil’s hollow laugh felt like a coil of wire was twisting around his heart.

"Dan I'm not real! I believe what you want me to believe because you made me!" Phil shouted again and Dan nearly became dizzy he was shaking so furiously.

"It's not like that, I would never make you do anything you don't want to," Dan tried but Phil bowed his head.

"That's _exactly_ it Dan, you made me like that." Phil told him, and Dan felt tears prick his eyes. "You should just stop trying, it's not going to change any time soon,"

"But all those wishes..."

"Dan, if you haven't noticed, they don't come true. They don't work or else I would be human, and I wouldn't be like this," Phil said, his voice sounding more frustrated than angry but now Dan snapped.

"I never made any fucking wishes! I saved them all up for you so you could use them at once so the wish you make would be really strong. And you're not meant to tell the person or else they won't come true. But you never believed all this time so of course they didn't work because I wasn't making any and you didn't believe," Dan yelled back, water beginning to smear his vision and he rubbed his eyes roughly.

"I stopped believing because I've been making those wishes since we met and they haven't worked. If there was any chance in them working I'd have to be alive and if you open your eyes you'll realise I'm not! I'm just imaginary,"

"You're not just imaginary!"

"Stop denying it! Stop bargaining to change everything. There's no point, I'm nothing, there's no chance it would work," Phil said and Dan clamped his hands over his ears.

"Fuck you Phil I'm not listening to this shit anymore," Dan said and shut his eyes too, expecting to hear Phil's yells, but he just heard silence.

He counted ten seconds. Then ten more. Then slowly opened his eyes, and saw that no one was there.

"Phil?" He whispered, his hands sliding down as he looked around. Had he left the room? "Phil?" He called a little louder but he got no response.

Had Dan just sent him away?

"Phil!" He yelled the loudest he could, standing up and staring around his room. "Come back. This isn't funny," he said, but he was terrified.

He opened the door to his closet, Phil wasn't there. He checked under the bed, he wasn't there either.

He stood in the middle of the room, tears clouding his eyes and shaking, staring at the bed where Phil has just been. It was even warm where he had sat.

"Phil?" He whispered, then felt himself retch. He rushed through to the bathroom and threw up heavily in the toilet, sobbing grossly as he heaved, almost collapsing he felt so weak.

He croaked Phil's name a few more times while he spat up the last bits of bile but no one came to help. After a few minutes he thought he heard footsteps outside and called for Phil again, but instead he heard tutting and the footsteps die away. Dan cried harder. He could barely walk but was able to drag himself to the sink and get some water, sniffing as he drank it.

He’d chased Phil away.

Dan cradled the glass in his hands as he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped Phil could still hear him as he muttered.

"You mean everything to me. How could you mean nothing? I just want you to be happy, I don't care if you're not real. I just thought you'd want this. It's okay if you don't. But I really don't choose how you are, I would never choose to fight with you. I'm so sorry." He whispered and stared at the tile floor, looking at his fingers splayed against it before he leant back. But instead of feeling the bath hit his spine he felt something warm and arms wrap around his body.

"I'm so sorry too," Phil whispered in his ear and Dan laughed sadly, hiccupping as more tears streamed down his face.

"Don't fucking do that again," he told Phil, but he was still laughing. Phil was back.

"I won't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," Phil repeated and Dan gave another weak chuckle.

"Stop apologising. But next time talk to me if you feel bad," Dan said. "I really don't like fighting with you,"

"I don't like fighting with you too. Sorry I took it all out on you,”

“It’s not exactly okay but you know, can’t be helped. Just seriously tell me next time,” Dan sniffed.

“You just seemed so happy. I hadn’t seen it for a while,” Phil mumbled, kissing his head.

“Oh.” Dan stared at the glass again. “I thought I was normally happy,” he said and Phil held him a little tighter. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered and Dan smiled ironically.

“Maybe I’ve just grown up,” he said lightly, sending himself up as a joke and Phil nuzzled into him.

“Want to go to bed?”

“If you carry me,” Dan said and he felt Phil haul him up before picking him up in his arms. Dan put the glass down and Phil carried him through to their room, setting Dan down carefully.

They were silent when they got changed, Dan simply taking off his clothes down to his underwear and watched Phil switch t shirts and bottoms, but it felt like he was staring into space.

Phil was imaginary, and that was okay.

“Hey Phil, thanks for coming back,” Dan said softly and Phil paused and his face fell, but he still smiled.

“I’m gonna hug you so hard right now,” he said and Dan chuckled.

“Yeah, okay you dork,” Dan said but when Phil walked over and straddled him before sitting on his lap and hugging him like a koala, Dan was blushing.

“I said I was going to hug you hard,” Phil mumbled into his shoulder and Dan finally made himself hug him back.

“You lived up to your promise,” Dan admitted and Phil nuzzled his face into Dan’s neck and Dan was suddenly aware that his body was very very warm.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil said and Dan sighed and rested his chin on Phil’s shoulder.

“Stop it,”

“I’m going to sorry you so hard,” Phil muttered and Dan smiled.

“You’re such an idiot,”

“Dan I love you so much.”

Dan was pretty sure he stopped breathing.

“I love you too.”

Dan and Phil were probably the closest friends could be at this point, both physically and mentally, but it wasn’t until now that Dan realised they had never told each other they loved each other. But that was because they showed it in other ways like smiles and nudges. Maybe now they had grown up.

They stayed like that without talking for what felt like the longest few minutes of Dan’s life. But it wasn’t like he wanted them to end.

“Hey Dan,” Phil whispered, looking at the clock. “It’s midnight, make a wish.”

Dan closed his eyes and smiled.

“I wish that you grow up with me,” Dan said and Phil smiled.

“I wish that I’ll beat you at Mario Kart at least once this year,” he said and Dan hit his back.

“Bed?”

“Yeah.”

Phil climbed off Dan slowly, giving him a brief smile as he moved to his side of the bed and pulled Dan down with him.

“We make our own magic now.” Phil told him and Dan nodded, clutching his hand.

Growing up started now.

*

“Dan you should be studying,” Phil said, draping his arms over Dan’s shoulders and leaning most of his wait on him so his back buckled and he leant forwards too.

“But I’m stuck on this trash-site,” Dan said, closing his laptop so if he fell it wouldn’t snap in half.

“But your exams are coming up soon,” Phil whined and Dan groaned.

“Get off me,”

“They’re important,”

“I’ve been told enough that GCSE’s are going to change my life Phil,”

“Sorry,” Phil said and nudged his nose against Dan’s shoulder before getting off him.

“No you’re right, I should be studying,” Dan sighed, standing up and slumping in his desk chair.

“I’m only making you do this because-

“Because you love me yeah yeah, _mom_ ,” Dan teased and Phil chuckled. But Dan went quiet. “Might be nice if my actual mum tried to at least make me study,” Dan said quietly and he felt Phil rest his chin on his head.

“I’m your mum now,” he said gently and Dan couldn’t help his lips twitching upwards.

“You’re so much more than that.”

*

“What happens to you when I can’t see you?”

Phil’s breath hitched in his throat as he froze. He slowly sat up and opened the curtains, not looking at Dan, moonlight streaming into the room. His mouth hung a little open and his fair skin shone softly as he stared out the window, before he opened it and stuck his head out of it, his knuckles clenched on the windowsill, his breath now ragged.

“Phil are you okay?” Dan asked worriedly, placing a hand on his back gently and Phil nodded.

“Yeah, I just need to breathe,” he rasped, and Dan noticed his eyes were shut.

“You don’t have to answer,” Dan reassured him and Phil nodded, a shiver running through him.

“I’ll tell you I’m just panicking a bit.” Phil rushed and Dan was scared. “It feels like something’s crushing my chest,” he gasped and Dan moved onto his knees and placed a hand against Phil’s heartbeat.

“Here?” he asked and Phil nodded, pushing Dan’s hand off.

“Just like give me a few minutes.” He said and Dan nodded, keeping his hand attached to Phil’s spine and letting his head fall onto his hip. Dan’s other hand was ready to grab him if he fell.

He let his hand dance up Phil’s spine, rubbing in small circles, before sliding his hand under Phil’s shirt to continue, feeling Phil shiver again. He moved his spare hand to the back of Dan’s neck, tracing his hairline with his nail delicately, feeling how warm Phil was and how intimate this was. But Phil’s breath was slowing, and his hands looked ghostly when Dan nudged his side with his nose.

When Phil had mostly calmed down they left the window open, Phil leaning against the wall and Dan leaning against Phil, who had wrapped his arm around him. Dan hadn’t said he was cold, Phil just knew.

“When you can’t see me I’m not specifically gone. I’m sort of in this version of the world but it’s like it’s made of cartoon lines. Like if I want to, I can see you through a mirror and see what you’re doing, then step through it where I want and then I am with you physically. It’s weird I know, I just, it’s hard to explain. I can’t really do much in the other world, I can’t read because the words aren’t fully formed but it’s dangerous for me to be in this world without you and sometimes I physically can’t. It’s kind of scary.” Phil said softly and Dan nodded. “It’s so lonely.” He whispered and Dan felt his heart tug.

“I was scared of saying in case it made me less real to you, or in case you start leaving out your friends so you’re with me more. You don’t have to do that, most of the time I just sleep when I’m there, or write stuff even if I can’t read it after,” Phil added and Dan sighed, shutting his eyes.

“It doesn’t change anything, more fulfils my curiosity,” Dan chose carefully and he felt Phil squeeze his hand.

“That’s good.”

“Are there any others like you?” he wondered.

“Just me.” Dan’s heart tugged again.

“Can you see ghosts?” he asked, trying to make it less painful.

“It’s not the same thing as that but ghosts don’t exist, I can tell you that,”

“That’s what someone who can see ghosts would say,” Dan mumbled, yawning. “You’re not actually a ghost hiding your ghost identity are you? Because I’d be cool with that,”

_‘I’d be cool with you as anything.’_

“I’m not, but that’s good to know.” Phil was even smiling a little bit now, but Dan couldn’t quite stop himself asking questions.

“Do you know what you are?”

“I don’t,”

“That’s okay with me too, as long as you’re with me everything is fine,” Dan decided, letting his head fall further against Phil’s body. Phil squeezed him.

“Are you okay now? Want to try sleeping again?” Dan asked and Phil nodded.

“Yeah, but we might need to sleep in the spare room if I can’t handle it here,”

“That’s fine. I don’t mind. Whatever you need.” He mumbled.

Dan gave Phil a gentle pull and he shut the window, but left the curtains open as the lay back down.

Since Phil had gotten taller and widened out a little since they were fifteen their sleeping position had changed a little bit. Dan was more likely to lie on Phil’s shoulder now or just link their hands or throw an arm around his waist. Sometimes they barely touched, only small patches of skin making contact to make sure they knew they were there together. Dan sometimes missed the feeling of Phil clinging to his arm, but when he felt Phil’s fingers simply resting on his chest and nothing else he didn’t really mind.

“I’m never going to leave you.” Phil whispered into his hair, and Dan felt himself smile.

“Good.”

*

“I think the decision to have contact lenses is benefitting me greatly,” Phil stated as he stared at himself in the mirror.

“I’m still not used to them,” Dan mumbled.

“I’ve only had them for three days,”

“Still.”

Honestly, Dan was missing Phil’s glasses. They had always shaped his face nicely and made his eyebrows look a little less weirdly coloured and Dan had always loved how he had to adjust them when they slid down his nose. It’s not like Dan was upset that Phil could now see without them, and it wasn’t like it made Phil look any less like himself. Dan just felt a lot safer when Phil looked like the nerdy dork he was.

Okay, Dan was intimidated by how well Phil was growing up and for some reason it was making him worry someone else would go after him? Not that that was possible but Dan was just very protective over his best friend. He meant, yes, Phil had always been attractive, but now he could see his eyes that clearly most of the time, he felt himself flushing most of the time as well. Phil might have been lying about being alone.

“Dan.” His head snapped up to see Phil’s eyes close to his as he was pulled from his thoughts.

“Yeah?” he asked, wiggling a little, looking away.

“Do you think I’m pretty?” he asked, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows and Dan swallowed.

“Yes,” he replied, feeling the heat crawl up the back of his neck. But now Phil was the one who was blushing.

“That’s er, good.” he said and moved away, sitting at the end of Dan’s bed and opening a book.

“Why? You got some cute ghosts you want to impress?” Dan joked feebly and Phil shook his head quickly.

“No. And ghosts don’t exist, remember I told you this,”

“You have no proof,” Dan huffed and Phil shuffled so he could poke Dan’s leg.

“I’d show you, if I could,” Phil said quietly and Dan swallowed.

“Your world?”

“Yeah. It probably wouldn’t be so dull with you there too.” He said softly, his fingers subconsciously folding down the corner of a page.

It was times like this where Dan remembered how much he missed Phil when he couldn’t see him. Usually he tried to ignore it and distracted himself with school or friends or just anything, but there were times where his stomach felt hollow and his ribs felt tight. It felt like Phil’s hands were rested on his waist, holding firmly, but it was cold, and they were unmoving. They were nothing like Phil, and it made Dan want him.

He moved his body into Phil’s, but didn’t say anything, trying to memorise how Phil felt, but when Phil draped an arm over his shoulder, Dan pulled the other one around him.

“I’m sorry,” Phil mumbled in his hair.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for you walnut,” Dan told him and he felt Phil smile.

“You know what I mean.”

Dan did, and he wondered if Phil was trying to memorise him too.

*

“I did it,” Dan said in disbelief, staring at his results. Four A’s, five B’s and two C’s. “I can go to the sixth form I want.”

He bolted from the hall and down the corridor, back to that cupboard with the dusty maths books and that same stupid stamp that was definitely dried up by now. There was only one person he wanted to see at this moment, the one person who would be more proud than anyone.

“Phil?” he called as he stepped inside and suddenly arms were around his waist from behind and Phil was laughing, burying his face in the crook of Dan’s neck and sounding so joyful.

“Well done!” he yelled, nearly deafening Dan, who couldn’t care less.

“Fuck yeah well done I fucking did it!” He grinned and Phil picked him up, making Dan flail for a second before letting his feet touch the ground. Dan turned around to face him, grabbing his hands and Phil looked over the moon, and so so perfect.

Then he kissed him.

*

They had pulled back, the smiles had been wiped from the faces as they stared at one another and realised what had happened. Dan couldn’t forget how scared Phil had looked. Why had he done that? Why had it even happened? Phil had looked so happy just moments before…

“Dan you’re staring into space again,” Phil told him, flicking his shoulder and Dan let out a weak chuckle.

“Sorry,”

“What were you thinking about?” Phil asked, and Dan was sure he heard the nervousness in Phil’s voice but he didn’t drop a beat.

“Democracy,” he retorted and Phil laughed.

“Of course. To be honest I think space dogs would have been cooler,” Phil deliberated, pulling out a book and leaning against the wall, curling his knees up as he continued. Dan remembered when Phil used to lean against him like that.

“What are you reading?” Dan asked, his throat dry, just so he could talk to Phil a little more.

“The Maze Runner, it’s pretty good so far,” Phil commented offhandedly and Dan let out a little sigh. Phil didn’t want to talk.

He pulled out his own laptop and saw that Henry had messaged him.

_‘Hey dude wanna come over tonight?’_

Dan replied 'yes' instantly. It wasn’t like he had to ask his mum’s permission anymore, and it’s not like his dad was ever home, his job was working him hard enough. Recently things had really been breaking down in his home life, and now that this had all happened with Phil, there was nothing more Dan wanted then to be out of the house.

“I’m staying over at Henry’s tonight,” Dan told Phil who looked up, and Dan wasn’t sure if Phil had been wearing glasses before or not. He also wasn’t sure if he saw sadness behind his eyes as well.

“Oh, okay.” He said dryly. “What time?”

“Henry said I should come over at five,”

“Okay.” Phil said and went back to reading.

Dan would be gone in half an hour, and he tried not to sigh so Phil could hear. He started packing his bag easily with just simple overnight stuff, but twiddled his thumbs when he realised he had about another ten minutes until he should go.

“Phil?” he said softly, and Phil looked up, pushing his glasses up his nose like he used to and Dan felt affection surge in his heart. “You know how you said that it was like looking through a two way mirror into my world from yours? Can you close off the mirror if you want to leave? Is that what happens?” he asked quietly and Phil put his book down and shuffled so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, closer to Dan then he had been for a while.

“Yeah. And then it can’t be reopened and I’ll go somewhere else,” he said and Dan licked his lips.

“Where?”

“I don’t know,” Phil replied honestly. “But I’m never going to close it off.”

Dan managed to meet Phil’s gentle gaze as he turned to face him, seeing a soft fragile smile on his lips and Dan couldn’t help but mirror it. He wanted to say something, but he had no idea what.

“I…” he trailed off, before sighing and bumping Phil’s shoulders, smiling again. “That’s good to know.” he told him finally and Phil nodded, leaning a little closer to him.

They sat there for a few more minutes, not looking at each other but feeling so much lighter now they weren’t at least half a metre away at all times and were still there for each other.

“You need to go to Henry’s,” Phil said softly and Dan nodded.

“Yeah. Sorry I stopped you from reading,”

“Don’t worry about it.” Phil said and Dan gave him a genuine smile before standing up and slinging his bag onto his shoulder.

“Goodnight, see you tomorrow,” Dan said and Phil smiled. They still hadn’t missed a goodnight at least.

“Goodnight. Have fun and see you tomorrow.”

Dan closed the door to his room, and wished Phil was real.

*

“You seem sad.” Dan rolled his eyes. Of course Henry noticed. “Wanna talk about anything?” he asked and Dan shrugged. He would love to talk to Henry about what had happened, but he couldn’t explain Phil to anyone.

He shook his head. “Nah,” he tried to say casually and Henry rolled his eyes.

“Well if you wanna talk to me about it I’m here no matter how small or embarrassing it is,” Henry told him and Dan smiled.

“I love how you assume it would be embarrassing,” Dan groaned, but nudged against Henry’s arm. “But thanks.”

Henry looked back to the movie before resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. “You scared for sixth form?” he asked and Dan shrugged again.

“You’ll be there,” he said and Henry gave a wry smile.

“Sweet. But I’m fucking terrified,”

“Why?”

“There will be so many new people there. We’re not taking any of the same lessons and might not even be able to meet up for lunches. We might meet new friends and forget about each other.” He said the last sentence quietly and Dan reached his hand up to Henry’s head and poked his forehead.

“We’ll be getting the bus together every day though, it will be hard for you to get rid of me and at least one of our lunches will match up I’m sure. It will be like school and we’ll find other friends. Henry, it’s all going to be fine,” Dan told him and Henry let out a sigh.

“I’d kiss you if I could be bothered to move,” he said and Dan chuckled, then shook his head.

“You don’t have my consent on that,” Dan told him and Henry groaned and looked up at him with big eyes.

“But I’m so cute,” He said and Dan laughed.

“You need to be at least a little romantic if you’re going to kiss me,”

“It was a thank you kiss not an ‘I want to suck your dick’ kiss, you ass,” Henry said, shoving his knee with his own.

“Considering dicks aren’t really your thing, I’m not too surprised,” Dan said.

“Genitals in general, I don’t discriminate,” he yawned and Dan chuckled softly. “I wouldn’t mind romancing you, if I’m honest.” He said and Dan sighed. “I won’t,” Henry said after hearing it. “Buy you’re someone I would consider lovely enough to date, so you should at least feel honoured,”

“I don’t.” Dan told him and Henry stuck out his tongue, but his eyes were smiling.

They were quiet for a while, Henry letting his eyes close and his breathing became softer. Dan thought he had maybe fallen asleep, but Henry made a little noise, then spoke up.

“Do you ever feel drained of physical contact?” He asked, and Dan’s mind switched to nights with Phil in the past compared to now.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

“Like, it’s been a while since I was with Caz, I kind of miss cuddling,” he mumbled and Dan smiled gently.

“Is this you saying you want to cuddle?” Dan asked and Henry nodded.

“Only if you want to,”

“Okay. But you know this means you’ll fall asleep right? Because you’re pretty much a toddler,”

“That’s fine.” Henry said firmly and Dan chuckled, but he got how Henry felt. Except it was months for Henry and only days for Dan.

They peeled off the sofa and Henry held his hand as they crept upstairs, slotting into Henry’s bed and pulling the covers over them before Henry shuffled closer. He let his hand fall over Dan’s waist wrapped his leg so it rested over Dan’s hips, pulling Dan’s arm to rest on his back. He sighed happily and pressed a kiss to Dan’s chest.

“Thank you.” He mumbled but Dan stayed silent.

It felt different with Henry then it did with Phil.

*

“Maybe we should talk about all this,” Dan said and he saw Phil freeze. He had been reading again at the end of their bed, not even letting Dan’s toes touch him and Dan was so tired of them being distant. He was so tired of feeling alone. He wanted to feel like Phil still cared about him instead of that every floor he touched was made of glass shards and every look Phil gave him was full of discomfort and dislike.

“Talk about what?” He faked ignorance.

“You know what.”

“Dan,” he started, and Dan heard the fake chuckle Phil had inserted into his voice. “I was just happy, it didn’t mean anything,” he said and Dan stared at him. Bullshit. Utter bullshit.

“Why are you being distant then?” Dan asked and Phil swallowed, his façade dropping for a second.

“I’m not-” his voice got stuck in his throat.

“You’re as far away from me as possible right now,”

“Technically I’d be all the way across the room,” Phil replied dryly and Dan could see he was getting nervous, but he wouldn’t stop trying to diverge the conversation.

“Phil stop changing the subject,”

“Dan, there’s _nothing_ to talk about, I was just happy for you,” Phil stressed, trying to keep his voice light and Dan shook his head.

“Bullshit. You wouldn’t be acting like this if that was your reason,”

“Like you’d know how I’d act. This hasn’t exactly happened before,” Phil spat, breaking, and Dan got off the bed and stood up, staring at Phil with his arms folded. Phil wasn’t getting out of this.

“Dan, I don’t get why you’re making this such a big deal,” Phil sighed, getting to his feet as well. “You’ve already kissed Henry _plenty_ of times.” Dan heard the edge to his voice.

“Phil you know that’s different, it’s a different relationship between him and me,” Dan said quietly, his stomach twisting and he looked at the ground. Phil bristled further. He didn’t want Phil to be angry. “You left me when it happened.” He whispered, swallowing hard, trying not to think back.

“I was just around the corner,” Phil groaned and Dan snapped.

“I thought you had left again! I was about to break down when I left that room but I saw you at the end of the corridor. And you were _smiling!_ I felt like I was going to collapse Phil, you can’t say it’s nothing when all of that happened!” Dan shouted and Phil bit his lip.

“Dan…” he trailed off, his tone changing, but Dan shook his head roughly.

“No Phil, don’t fucking try and say you didn’t realise and try and say this was nothing. Your reaction showed it wasn’t nothing. If I’m keeping you here when you want to leave then that’s fine, just go, just stop pretending you care about me.” Dan’s voice cracked and he wished he wasn’t such an emotional person when he got angry. But Phil grabbed his hands.

“I really fucking care about you okay! I really really care!” Phil shouted, squeezing his hands so tightly it hurt and his face was so close to his he almost felt the heat coming off it.

“Then why did you kiss me?” Dan asked desperately and Phil’s gaze fell to the floor.

“I…” he let go of Dan’s hands and stepped back, grabbing the blanket on their bed and clutching at it, before sitting down heavily, his back leaning against the bed as he gripped the fabric.

“Phil,” Dan said softly, wetting his lips and sitting down beside him, making sure not to touch him. “Please talk to me,” he whispered and Phil hid his face in his knees.

“You’ll hate me,” Phil whispered. “You’ll want me to leave, you’ll want-”

“Like hell I will. Phil you know I won’t hate you for anything. I mean we’ve already been through pretty much everything together,” Dan said earnestly but Phil shook his head.

“This is different,” he stressed and Dan swallowed. Now he was scared.

“Phil, why did you kiss me? We don’t do that kind of thing, not like that,” he breathed and Phil was clutching his legs to his body, shaking a little and Dan wanted nothing more than to just leave this all alone, leave Phil be, but he couldn’t this time. He had to know.

“Please don’t make me leave,” Phil whispered and Dan gently hooked his pinkie through Phil’s.

“I promise I’ll never send you away,” Dan said and Phil took a deep breath until he faced him.

“I kissed you because I really wanted to know what it felt like. And not in the ‘oh I haven’t kissed anyone I could kiss Dan’ kind of thing. I wanted to know how _your_ lips felt and what _you_ felt like and I was so happy for you it just kind of happened. You looked so content, I didn’t think I had anything to lose but I guess I lost quite a lot in a few seconds.” Phil said softly, ducking his head again and Dan stared at him.

“So, you...?” Dan trailed off, unsure of what Phil was saying entirely.

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you,” Phil mumbled.

“Oh.” _Well fuck._

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Phil said, a sad chuckle coming out and he rubbed his eyes.

“No don’t be sorry, just… _shit_ Phil,” Dan sighed and Phil laughed. Dan had no idea what to do. _He didn’t feel like that._

“I know. You don’t have to do anything, it’s just why I’ve been distant. I thought you’d probably hate me and I’d feel guilty for like hugging you and stuff and not feeling all platonic,” Phil explained and Dan shuffled to their shoulders were touching.

“I really don’t hate you,” he promised and Phil gave him a shy smile. “But now what do we do?” Dan let out a sigh.

“I liked how things were before but seriously if you don’t want that then that’s okay,” Dan said and Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder.

“You don’t think you’ll find it weird? I mean I won’t make passes at you or try and make you uncomfortable. I’ll just be thinking ‘oh no he’s pretty’ or stuff like that,” Phil said.

“You didn’t already think that? Rude,” Dan teased weakly and Phil knocked their knees together and closed his eyes. “I’ve barely slept the past week,” Phil whispered and Dan’s stomach twisted again. He was dangerously close to breaking down.

“I felt like I was all alone again,” he choked and Phil pressed into him a little.

“I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from being sad,” he apologised and Dan shook his head.

“I’m sorry for me,” he replied and Phil shook his head.

“ _Never_ be sorry for that.” he ordered said and Dan felt his eyes water a little.

“I know it’s the middle of the day but can we cuddle?” he asked hopefully and Phil nodded against his shoulder. Dan needed things to be normal again.

They got up and Phil shuffled over to his side of the bed and Dan lay beside him, pulling Phil close into him and hiding his face in his shoulder. He only realised he was crying when Phil started stroking his back.

“I don’t do well without you,” he choked and Phil squeezed him tightly.

“You’ll always have me, you’ll be fine,” Phil told him and Dan tried to calm down, fisting Phil’s shirt in his hands.

Dan really needed Phil to stay. Every time something obvious happened that made Phil leave him he broke a little more. He lost part of who he was. He needed Phil in his life and it was hurting him but he didn’t want it to stop. He didn’t want Phil to go.

“Sometimes when you leave, I…” Dan trailed off, and Phil stroked the base of his spine, coaxing him into continuing. “I wish I could come with you. And I know I can’t jump into your world like you do into mine, and then it makes me think about not living on this earth at all,” he said softly, his voice cracking randomly through the sentences as he struggled not to keep crying but he wasn’t expecting it to be raining salt water on his neck.

“Dan I’m so sorry,” he heard Phil gasp and pull him closer, his arms wrapping around him as far as possible and Phil had never been able to reach his arms that far around Dan’s waist. Had Dan actually eaten recently? “I shouldn’t have let you think alone and stay far away from you I shouldn’t have gotten scared and ran I should have just told you,” Phil blurted, nuzzling against him and Dan felt his lips twitch.

“I would have run if I were you to be honest,” he mumbled and Phil shook his head.

“I’m still really sorry I did,” Phil said and Dan snuggled his head into Phil’s neck a little bit.

“Just one more time and you’re out. Three strikes and you’re gone,” Dan said weakly, not being truthful at all. He was convincing himself as much as he was convincing Phil.

“I don’t even want another strike. Please just grab on to me if I ever look like I’m going to bolt again,” Phil mumbled and Dan nodded.

“I’m so tired Phil,” he said softly, his body slowly shutting down.

“I know. Have a nap and then we’ll get something to eat?” Phil suggested.

“I don’t want you to leave me when I’m asleep,” Dan said honestly, the strain showing in his voice as he felt his body weakening.

“I’ll sleep too. I’m not exactly going to go anywhere when I’m unconscious,” Phil said and Dan hummed.

“Okay. I don’t know if it will be comfy sleeping like this though,” Dan said and Phil chuckled.

“Get comfy then.”

Dan shuffled away from Phil and moved his arm out from under him, letting his head press into his chest and draping Phil’s arm over him. He then copied how Henry had lay and put his leg over Phil’s, making sure he was as close as possible.

“Better?” Phil asked and Dan had missed his voice being so caring.

“Much. This okay?” he then asked, realising it might be a bit weird for Phil.

“Yeah. Feel free to fall asleep now as I’m about to drop.” Phil said and Dan just nodded. He didn’t fall asleep until he knew Phil had.

*

After their nap Dan woke up to Phil gently rocking him awake, sorting out his fringe for him while they lay and Dan stared at the ceiling.

“You need to go and get something to eat,” Phil said softly and Dan shook his head, keeping his hands grip on Phil’s shirt. “Please, you haven’t eaten much recently,” Phil almost pleaded and Dan sighed, but didn’t move. “I’ll push you out the bed,” Phil tried but Dan let out a small groan.

“You’ll fall with me,” Dan said, rolling over so his leg trapped Phil’s who let out a small smile.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means you’ll eat something,” he said gently and Dan summoned all the strength he had and sat up, feeling his head spin a little but then Phil’s hand was on his back, keeping him up. Dan was pretty thankful for that.

“We can eat and then you can go back to sleep as it’s nearly the night,” Phil said and Dan nodded, leaning against his torso.

“Can you like, not move too far away for a bit please?” Dan asked quietly, moving into his warmth.

“I won’t go any further than your arm,” Phil said and Dan linked their fingers, just to be sure.

They climbed off the bed awkwardly and stumbled down the stairs but when they reached the kitchen they saw Dan’s dad, sitting at the table and going over some filing. Dan quickly looked back over at Phil panicked, but he had stayed. Usually he would leave when anyone else was around, but he smiled at him earnestly and squeezed his hand.

“Oh, Dan,” his dad mumbled quietly and Dan gave him a nod, walking over to the fridge and looking in it. Leftover pizza looked pretty good.

“Dan,” his dad said gently and Dan turned around, shoving the cold pizza on a plate for himself and swallowing. “Your mother, she… she might be moving out soon,” he explained nervously and Dan’s stomach curled.

“What?” he whispered and his dad looked pained, taking a sip from his beer and Dan noticed how old he looked.

“She’s thinking of moving out. We’re getting a divorce,” he said and Dan’s mouth fell open a little. He knew his mum wasn’t really in the house anymore anyway and that his whole family was going to shit, he just hadn’t really thought it was real. He thought everything would fix itself. “Dan, are you okay? You haven’t really been yourself lately,” his dad asked and Dan swallowed, staring at the plate of food in his hand. He felt Phil place his hand under his to keep him holding it.

“I’m not the best,” he managed, the words sticking in his throat and his dad ran a hand through his thinning hair.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around for you, it’s just-“

“I get it. Don’t worry.” Dan said, feeling the bitter taste in his mouth.

“You’re mum and I still love you very much-“

“Mum doesn’t give a shit about me. She stopped caring when I got too old for Phil,” he spat and his dad looked concerned at the outburst.

“Dan…”

“Dad, I don’t care about her. She can fucking leave us if she wants. But what the hell is going to happen to us now?” he asked, shaking.

“Breathe.” Phil whispered in his head and Dan followed his instructions, trying to steady himself.

“She’s going to stay with her parents for a while. She still wants to see you but wants to get a flat.”

“So we’re still going to live here?” Dan asked and his dad shook his head morosely.

“We wouldn’t be able to afford it. We’ll have to move to a smaller house,” he said sadly and Dan swallowed.

“In the district, right?” he checked and he was so glad his dad nodded.

“I’m going to try and stop this disrupting you from your friends and life at sixth form as much as possible as you will have started when we move. I’m sorry, I wish we weren’t putting you through this,” his dad said and Dan looked at the floor.

“When’s mum leaving?” Dan asked and his dad sighed.

“Soon. Next week I think. She said something about telling you she’s sorry but considering she’s out with her friends right now I don’t think you have to believe it.” Dan understood his dad’s bitterness and managed to make himself talk.

“You okay?” Dan asked him and his dad shrugged.

“At least we just fell out of love. It could have been a lot worse,” he said and sipped some of his beer. “But we’ll get through this, okay? We’re going to be okay,” he told Dan who nearly believed him, and nodded.

“Okay. I’m going to go to bed now, try and get some sleep,” he told his dad who sighed and gave him a minute smile.

“Goodnight, sleep well,”

“Night.” Dan turned around but his dad gave out a little cough.

“Er, Dan? Is Phil still around? Just, sometimes I hear you talking to yourself..” he asked and Dan felt his throat tighten.

“No.” he said as firmly as he could before leaving the room.

When he got out the door and out of sight Phil let him climb onto his back and carried him upstairs. Dan felt so numb. He felt himself be put down on the edge of the bed and he sat there for a while, letting Phil fuss over him but it just felt like everything around him was in fast motion, and Dan was stuck alone.

“Dan, love, you still need to eat,” he heard Phil say gently and he shook his head.

“There’s not really much point,” Dan told him, a dry chuckle leaving his throat.

“There’s lots of point such as you living. Please eat,” Phil pleaded, putting the plate on Dan’s lap who stared at it. “One bite,” Phil said and Dan picked up a piece, nibbling at the edge and he felt like his stomach was roaring.

“Fuck.” he mumbled and for the next five minutes he tore at half a pizza, guzzling it down before clinging to Phil and crying himself to sleep. What a fucking wonderful life.

*

Dan had two weeks before sixth form to try and get himself together. Being honest, it wasn’t going great.

Even though he said he didn’t care about his mum leaving, when she packed up her bags and left him with only a dry kiss to his cheek he cared a lot. He punched a wall, and then Phil fixed up his hand which had started to bleed. His dad wasn’t doing too well either and looked more tired each time he came home from work. He wasn’t there when his mum left.

Dan hadn’t left the house since then. He had texted Henry about what had happened and Henry had come over for a bit, tried to get Dan to get outside and then tried to distract him when he said no. Henry had been messaging him a lot, making sure he was doing okay and eating and stuff and Dan was very thankful that he was in his life, but Phil was the one who was helping him the most.

Phil was constantly by his side. Phil was helping him function. Phil was making sure he ate and drank, got him out of bed even if it was just to move rooms, got him to distract himself with games and once got him outside on the trampoline. He only lay on it, but the fresh air had been good for him. Phil had also been making sure his window was open as much as possible to try and let Dan know he wasn’t isolated and even stopped Dan staying in the shower for too long. He would sing to Dan outside the door and deliberately did duets to offer him the chance to join in. If not he’d exaggerate both voices to make him smile.

The problem was that ever since Phil had confessed to him Dan was craving him more, and he wasn’t sure in what way. Dan sometimes thought about kissing Phil, and sometimes it didn’t feel weird. He also thought about being closer to Phil in other ways and woke up in some awkward situations, but Dan had no idea if he liked Phil in a different way to how he thought, or if he was just a bit vulnerable. Okay, extremely vulnerable. People could probably smell it on him a league off. He could smell Phil’s soft scent from a centimetre away.

Maybe he just felt lonely in a romantic sense (not that he had much to compare it to) or maybe he was compensating for the love of the family he was losing. Dan really had no idea but it would be great if he could know. That would be one less thing to be thinking about.

The main thing was, even if Dan knew Phil was real to him, Phil wasn’t to other people. That would mean being a relationship with him could be really confusing. Dan didn’t exactly want to claim to be asexual or aromantic or just ‘not interested’ because that was wrong, but he didn’t want to be put somewhere where Phil could be taken away from him. He really didn’t want to lose Phil, and this is what he kept telling himself. Also, he hated thinking this, but having Phil in his life probably wasn’t healthy. And it wasn’t like he wanted Phil to leave, but potentially falling in love with him was dangerous. _Really dangerous_. He would technically be falling in love with his own mind. Then if they broke up, Dan would never have him back, if Dan fell in love with Phil, fitting into society would be really hard. It would also be really hard on Phil. None of this would be easy at all.

After all these thoughts flew around in his head for a while, he labelled himself as ‘vulnerable to the point of delusion’. But he was probably lying to himself. Phil’s smile was a bit too much to be platonic.

*

“Sixth form,” he heard Phil mumble as Dan’s alarm blared, and he groaned loudly, hitting it off.

“Fuck, already?” He asked and Phil kissed his cheek.

“I believe in you.”

*

“And he’s out of the house!” Henry cheered as he saw Dan at the bus stop. Dan just stared at him, but Henry was hugging him and hanging off his neck and he couldn’t stop his lips twitching.

“Yeah, guessed missing the first day would be a bad idea,” he said and Henry kissed his cheek before hopping down.

“Checked your time table yet?” he asked and Dan nodded.

“When are your lunches?” Henry pulled out his phone, showing a screenshot and Dan held his up next to it.

“Yes, we have like four the same!” Henry grinned before glaring at Dan. “Wait why do you only have one lesson on Thursday? That’s fucking rude, do you not like me or something?” he bristled and Dan laughed.

“It’s not like I can control it,” Dan reminded him and Henry sighed.

“At least we can mostly get the buses together,” he grinned, already sounding brighter and Dan was very happy Henry’s moods had always been infectious.

“Yeah, though you’ll probably enjoy it more when I’m not there so you can read fanfiction,” Dan said and Henry pretended to be outraged.

“How dare you think that being my pillow to rest on while I ignore you to read fanfiction is an unimportant job?” he said and Dan laughed. Henry looked proud. “But seriously, I’m really happy to be getting the bus with you and having you at lunches.” He said and Dan grinned down at him. Henry was smiling so brightly and Dan couldn’t help but poke his cheek.

“You cute fucking nerd,” he said and Henry gave a certain nod.

“And don’t you forget it.”

They saw the bus turn the corner and head towards them and the stuck their hand out and got on, going straight to the back where Henry promptly fell asleep on his shoulder. Maybe sixth form wouldn’t be too bad.

*

Dan’s first week was a blur, but being busy helped quite a lot. Sure he was exhausted, but being out of the house and active made him think just a little less. Henry was making him feel better and he had talked to some people in his classes. Henry had also dragged him along to the LGBT society where he had met some other people and they had been pretty cool. It was nice how accepting everyone was. Also because when Henry lied and said Dan was his boyfriend they didn’t act phased until Dan corrected them and Henry whined before confirming they weren’t dating, but that Dan was secretly a pimp. Within the week they had a spot in a canteen where they all hung out.

Phil had been keeping him in check each evening however and making sure he actually got up in morning (apart from Thursday, he let him sleep in) and ate well. But Dan was definitely eating now because the amount of work he had to do at sixth form made him ravenous and the energy he used because of Henry made it double.

It wasn't like a switch had been flicked and everything in his life was fixed. He was still not sleeping very well, and sometimes he’d get home and just slump all evening, but now he more noticed Phil sitting next to him and hugging him or leaning against him or being near. It was nice.

He still didn’t know if he wanted to be more with Phil though. The thought kept popping into his head and depending on how close Phil was to him he’d feel differently. If Phil was touching him in some way, Dan was thinking about his lips, if Phil was near him, he was thinking about holding his hand and tracing the imprints on his fingers. However,If he was more than a metre, Dan would tell himself he was an idiot for having these thoughts at all. And that he’d want to be closer. Dan’s fondness for intimacy, even for friendship was making this confusing. Anyway, it made him thankful that he wasn’t Henry, as he could barely stand being away from someone he could show bodily affection towards.

Honestly, Dan just didn’t know. He was too scared and too tired to think about maintaining a relationship with someone only real to himself. It would be unfair that he wouldn’t be able to go on dates with Phil, to talk to him in public, to physically be with Phil in the world he lived in. It would be unfair on both of them. Phil didn’t even get books in his world.

In simple terms, Dan was fucked up and a total idiot.

*

“Phil, everything is getting too much,” Dan mumbled against his clavicle and he felt Phil’s arms hold him tighter. “I- I don’t want to exist anymore. Do you know that feeling?” he asked and Phil kissed his forehead.

“So much. So so much. But then I’m happy I’m here at all,” he said and Dan swore.

“Shit. I forgot again,” he said and slid his hands up Phil’s shirt, tracing the warm skin there as an apology.

“Don’t worry about it,” Phil told him, but Dan shook his head.

“That’s one of the things I’m worried about,” Dan mumbled and Phil sighed. “Phil… If I were to, say die, what would happen to you?” Dan asked and Phil curled Dan into him closer.

“I’d stop existing with you,” he whispered. “But I’d never see you again,” he added and Dan closed his eyes.

“Do you think there’s anything after death?” he asked and Phil shook his head.

“Not for me. I don’t even know if I die from old age or accidents. I might become sick but I have no idea. But if my world is how it is, you world already seems like Heaven. I won’t get anything,” Phil said sadly and Dan accidentally dug his nails into Phil’s skin, but Phil just did the same to his shoulder.

“I want there to be something,” Dan said softly. “For both of us,”

“Well,” Phil said, wetting his lips. “Your imagination is amazing, I think you’d be able to have something after,” Phil said and Dan so wanted to have him. Instead he hugged him brutally, pressing against him as hard as possible and clawing at his back. His weight above Phil made them roll slightly but Phil kept him grounded and squeezed, breathing into Dan’s neck.

“If that’s the case, then I’m having you,” he whispered and kissed Phil’s neck.

“I love you.” The words tumbled from Phil’s lips. Dan closed his eyes and pretended Phil was human.

“I love you too.”

*

It was getting harder to wake up in the mornings, it was harder to get out of bed. It was harder to leave Phil and be alone. But then, technically, when Dan was with Phil, Dan was alone.

Phil had started walking him to the bus stops. He always disappeared instantly as soon as Henry appeared, but Phil obviously didn’t want to leave him on his own. Henry was doing the same actually. That meant Dan mustn't be doing well.

Henry was also holding his hand more often. And sitting on his lap. Considering Dan was taller by a long while it was probably good it wasn’t the other way round, but it was still a comfort. Henry was probably struggling too, so working together to feel less lonely was good. Bus journeys were also nice. If there wasn’t space Henry would sit on Dan’s lap again and then cuddle into him deliberately, making old people glare and would play up to it. Sometimes he’d kiss his cheek or play with his hair to hear the muttering and then flip them off discreetly when they got off at their stop.

Late November, Henry went into the hospital. Dan was at his when Henry said he had a stomach ache, a fever and started crying. Dan called an ambulance when he fell on the floor and said he felt like he was dying and then spent the next five minutes sobbing and trying to help Henry whilst being helpless. He had tried to help with as much as he could, holding him tight, kissing his damp forehead and wiping his tears, but nothing did anything apart from make him realise how desperately he needed Henry in his life.

It turned out Henry wasn’t dying, it was an appendicitis. Dan was laughing when Henry was awake in hospital and shrugged saying he was a drama queen, but nearly yelled at a nurse when she told him he couldn’t lie next to Henry when he looked about to cry. To avoid Dan getting kicked out, Henry said Dan’s hand was all he needed. When Henry’s mum came rushing into the room however, Dan nearly cried again at seeing how much she cared for her son, and especially when she hugged Dan and thanked him for saving Henry.

Henry had to stay in hospital for two days and Dan skipped school for both of them. He brought Henry his DS and played games with him and chatted and checked he was okay. He even sneaked onto Henry’s bed for a bit when they knew he nurses weren’t around. Henry had actually kissed him a few times on those days but Dan wasn’t surprised, just said he was returning the favour of keeping him sane, even if his breath smelled.

Dan had been away from Phil for a while because of Henry and Dan had decided he didn’t have feelings for him. He didn’t have feelings for anyone. Nothing more than friendship. He still curled into Phil tightly and let him play with his hair and touch his skin but he didn’t want to love him back in the same way. Not yet. Things were slowly going back to normal though. As normal as they could be, anyway.

*

"Yooooooo," Henry grinned as his picture appeared on Skype.

"Hey cheese-miester," Dan teased and henry groaned.

"Let that go, it's been two weeks,"

"You should have thought of a better way to respond to a question you weren't listening to," Dan quipped and Henry groaned but smiled at him.

"It's weird that we haven't skyped before," he said and Dan hummed, nodding. He felt Phil's head rest on his shoulder, winding his arms around his waist and he smiled, pretending to adjust his top but squeezing Phil's hand instead.

"Well I haven't been in a different country for Christmas before. Usually I can open my present physically in front of you," Henry said, grabbing the present Dan had got him and shaking it in front of the webcam. "Merry Christmas by the way," he added and Dan laughed.

"Merry Christmas to you too."

Henry blew a kiss at the camera. "Right, time to open them?" He asked hopefully and Dan nodded, reaching down off his bed and grabbing the box Henry had shoved at him.

"Okay go," Dan said and started to rip the paper off, watching Henry do the same. Phil craned his neck to see what Dan had received and chuckled lightly in his ear while Dan laughed.

"Oh my god!"

"You don't like sailor Haru?" Henry asked worriedly and Dan shook his head.

"I love him! But you should probably check the front of the jumper I got you," Dan said and Henry unfurled the navy blue jumper and squealed.

"You got me a fucking rock hopper penguin jumper? It's official, I'm in love with you," Henry said, scrabbling to put it on and Dan felt Phil tense behind him and closed his eyes for a second, feeling his stomach curl. Words like that from Henry _didn’t mean anything_. He hoped Phil could read his mind.

When Henry had finally gotten unstuck, Dan grinned again, seeing Henry try to hug himself. "It's so beautiful," he whispered and Dan saw that Henry could be crying.

"Wait are you okay?" Dan checked quickly and Henry nodded, sniffing.

"Yeah, I just love it a lot and you made me really happy," Henry said and Dan blushed lightly.

"It's just a jumper."

"I'm never taking it off,"

"You're going to shower in it?"

"We'll both need washing at the same time,"

"You're gross," Dan laughed, but looked at his knees, feeling warmth in his stomach. "Miss you," he mumbled.

"Wait, did I just hear that?" Henry asked, a grin sliding on to his face. "Did the great Dan Howell just say he missed me?" Henry exaggerated and Dan shook his head.

"Hell no, you heard wrong," he said but Henry shook his head fondly.

"I miss you too. I've really missed talking to you, you pile of trash," he said and Dan saw his cheeks flush. "I've actually been taking screenshots of you while we talked because you look very pretty today," he mumbled.

"What, no! My hair must have looked so bad," Dan whined and Henry shook his head.

"No, they were all really beautiful," he smiled softly.

"Calm down, Rei," Dan said and Henry laughed.

"I'm not going to delete them," he told him and Dan sighed.

"At least send them to me." Henry saluted.

"Yes your lordship,"

"What am I a Lord for?"

"You're the Lord of trash,"

"I'm not surprised." Dan dead panned. He shuffled back a little more into Phil who adjusted his grip and snuggled into his back. It was kind of nice hearing his little chuckles when he was talking to Henry. It was also nice having Phil hold him like this.

"You need to stay over when I get back. Like the night I come back. It's so rubbish here, there's no one in my family that's my age,"

"I thought the point that your German was shit was the problem," Dan said and Henry shook his head.

"Nah, they keep talking English, it's great, just would be better if they all weren't Middle aged or ninety," he moaned and Dan rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure your Omi wouldn't be pleased about you calling her ninety, she's ninety-two," Dan said and Henry flopped back on to his bed.

"I swear to god she's magical or something. How has she stayed alive this long?" He asked and Dan laughed.

"Ask her,"

"But she only speaks German,"

"Learn how to ask her in German,"

"Oh yeah. ' _Hey Nan, how are you still alive?_ ' Sounds rude as fuck, bad advice Dan." Henry said and sat back up, seeing Dan smiling.

"To be honest all I remember of you learning German was how to say sausage storm," He said and Henry grinned.

"Wurstgewitter. The best kind of storm," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at Dan.

"Shut up. I'd rather have something like, I don't know, pizza,"

"I'd have one like from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, but smaller," Henry said.

"You are the future," Dan replied and Henry puffed out his chest.

"Don't you know it," he said, yawning, then looked at his door. Dan heard someone ask him something in German and Henry replying in the same language. "Five more minutes," Henry clarified for Dan who wiggled his eyebrows.

"Aren't you cool for talking in another language?" He asked and Henry shook his head.

"It's only German, if it was French then I would have pulled by now," he sighed and Dan shook his head.

"Nah, I think German is cute," he said and Henry smiled a little more.

"You think?"

"Yeah, funny, but cute," he said and Dan saw Henry look brighter, before he yawned.

"I'm so tired, remember I'm ahead of you in time," he said.

"What's the future like?"

"Everyone is German," Henry said dryly and Dan laughed.

"Go to bed you wurst,"

"You're the wurst,"

"That was terrible,"

"You're terrible,"

"Henry go to sleep," Dan chuckled and Henry hugged himself again.

"I don't wanna," he mumbled and Dan smiled.

"We can talk tomorrow if you want," he said and he felt Phil shift behind him before he yawned too. "But maybe earlier," he added.

"Yeah okay," Henry smiled, seeming more content.

"Goodnight you trash bag," he said and curved his hands to make a heart.

"I am not doing that, it's not two-thousand-and-nine," Dan said and Henry gave him the best puppy eyes he could muster. "Oh fine," he said and quickly did it back, Henry beaming at him.

"Goodnight,"

"Goodnight." Dan clicked the end call button and Phil yawned again behind him.

"I'm sleepy too," Phil mumbled and Dan smiled at him.

"Come on then." Phil had already changed into his pyjamas so rolled into bed whilst Dan stripped, placing Haru carefully on his bedside table and switching off the light, crawling in beside Phil.

"I like Henry," Phil mumbled and Dan nodded.

"Me too," Dan said and Phil hummed, wrapping his arms around Dan.

"I like you," Phil whispered and Dan smiled.

"I like you too," Dan said and Phil nuzzled into his shoulder.

"I..." Phil trailed off but then shook his head. "Doesn't matter,"

"It does if you want it to," Dan said and Phil went silent for a second, then shook his head again.

"It was nothing," he decided and Dan smiled. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

 

 


	3. Something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So feelings develop and Phil sometimes can't keep Dan out of his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BE READY FOR ULTRA GAY AND FOR LIKE NO ONE BEING ABLE TO KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS LIKE WOW I FORGOT HOW GAY THIS GETS

 

Dan felt Phil squirming against him as he slept, trashing around whilst tightening his grip on Dan’s hair. Laboured pants were coming from him and Dan was worried he was having a nightmare, until Phil moaned and rolled his hips against Dan’s thigh.

“Shit,” Dan hissed and rolled over to try and wake Phil up, but instantly regretted it as Phil’s hips rolled into his. Dan felt his lower stomach pull and he tried to move away again, but Phil was holding fast, pulling at his hair and making Dan gasp as he felt his boxers start to tent.

“Phil wake up,” Dan hissed, shaking him and Phil moaned again, making the words stick in Dan’s throat. He froze when he felt Phil’s lips against his neck. “Phil wake up,” he said more loudly, shoving him as hard as possible and he saw Phil’s eyes blink open in bewilderment, then a look of horror cross over his face.

“Oh god, Dan, I’m so sorry, you never wanted that, I didn’t mean to, I was dreaming, _Dan I’m so sorry_ ,” He rushed, moving as far away as possible from Dan who could only stare at him. He could only hear the words ‘ _please don’t send me away_ ’. “Dan?” Phil whimpered and Dan rubbed his face.

“Jesus Phil, next time go to the bathroom when you’re horny,” he said, faking tiredness and Phil’s eyes started to water.

“Dan,” he breathed, his voice cracking. “I’m so sorry, you didn’t want that…” he trailed off and Dan hummed.

“You weren’t consciously doing it,” Dan said, glad the feeling in his stomach was leaving. He didn’t want to feel something like that for Phil.

“You still didn’t want it,” Phil said, glancing out of the window as if he wanted to leap out of it but Dan grabbed his hand.

“Don’t you dare run away,” Dan growled and Phil gulped, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered again and Dan sighed. “I didn’t want to make this all weird again and now I’ve fucked it all up.” Phil’s voice came out in sobs and Dan ran a hand through his hair, squeezing Phil’s hand again.

“You haven’t, don’t go. I’ve woken up in the same situation before while you were beside me, I just obviously wasn’t as into my dream as you were,” Dan said, trying to lighten to mood and giving him a small smile. “Who were you dreaming about?” Dan asked nervously, and then bit on his lip hard. Why the fuck had he asked that? Phil gave a sad hiccup in response.

“It wasn’t you,” Phil told him quickly and Dan breathed out in relief. “They were sort of faceless, but really hot,” he mumbled and Dan chuckled.

“Do you wanna go to the bathroom and sort out your little issue?” Dan teased and Phil shoved him weakly.

“I wouldn’t call it little,” Phil retorted feebly, a hint of a smile on his face and Dan laughed.

“You’re blowing your own trumpet a lot tonight aren’t you?” Dan winked and Phil groaned.

“That was so bad on multiple levels,” he whined and Dan shrugged, his stomach easing now the tension was leaving.

“Anyway you and your average sized problem should probably go and sort that out so we can go back to sleep,” Dan said and Phil’s eyes widened a little.

“You’re not kicking me out of your bed?” He asked and Dan shook his head calmly.

“I’m not.” Phil let out a deep breath and squeezed his hand tightly.

“I would hug you but not in this state,” he said and Dan smiled.

“Go on, I’m tired. And come back,” he added, hearing the nervous edge in his voice and Phil squeezed again before shuffling past him off the bed.

“See you in a few minutes,” Phil told him at the door.

“Have fun.” Dan winked and a Lego figure was thrown at him before Phil left. Dan flopped backwards onto the bed, rubbing his face with his hands and sighing. He had no idea how he was meant to feel in this situation, but he was probably sure it wasn’t relief. Phil had been so quick to answer that it hadn’t been Dan he had been dreaming of. Dan had never had physical contact like that before either, and hadn’t exactly had anyone kiss his neck before, it was natural for Dan to react like that. It had felt good, even if he had panicked. He just really didn’t want to associate that feeling with Phil. He didn’t want to want Phil like that. He didn’t want to find Phil attractive when he was rolling against his body, his hair sweaty, eyes squeezed shut and mouth hung open while he panted in bliss. He didn’t want to be hoping that Phil had been lying when he answered fast. Dan didn’t want these feelings, but they were all that seemed to be coming.

He grabbed his phone off the bedside table and sent Henry a quick text.

_**Dan:** _

_-Can we meet up tomorrow? It’s a code filange x_

_He was surprised Henry was still up considering it was 3am._

_**Henry:** _

_-Yeah of course, are you okay? X_

_**Dan:** _

_-I’m okay, just confused and want to talk to you about something that happened to me. Also why are you still awake?_

_**Henry:** _

_-I’m crying over Black Butler._

_-THEY DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE_

_**Dan:** _

_-Oh, good luck_

_**Henry:** _

_-Thanks, you should probably sleep_

_-Night (he says while sobbing into a pillow)_

**_Dan:_ **

_-Night (he says, a little scared of his friend’s mental health when it comes to anime but oh well)_

**_Henry:_ **

_-Tbh it’s nothing new_

**_Dan:_ **

_-True dat_

**_Henry:_ **

_-No._

Dan chuckled and quickly sent a peace sign emoji back as he heard his door click back open, Phil looked bleary eyed again.

“I am suddenly super tired again,” he mumbled as he flopped onto the bed, letting his face lie in the mattress.

“Man you and Henry are both messes tonight,” Dan joked and Phil feebly reached out and hit his leg.

“Shut upppp,” he whined and Dan lay across his back, making Phil let out a yelp. “Get offfffff,” he whined again and Dan chuckled.

“No,”

“To be honest,” Phil began to speak. “You’re way too happy at 3am,” He said and Dan frowned. “But I’m happy you’re happy,” he added, and Dan smiled. “Also I can’t breathe.”

Dan shifted off Phil and got back into bed properly, hauling Phil in beside him and moving his body into his. He tried to shut his brain off as he curled closer.

*

“So let me get this right, your childhood friend stayed over and you stayed in the same bed which was fine and normal until he had a wet dream and was pretty much humping your leg?” Henry asked and Dan blushed.

“Yeah pretty much,”

“What happened after?” Henry asked, twisting an Oreo before nibbling on it, looking a little sick.

“I woke him up and he freaked out. I didn’t say that a few years ago he told me he was in love with me, and I don’t think he’s over that,” Dan explained and Henry let out a low whistle.

“Shit. Do you think he was thinking of you?” Henry asked and Dan let his head drop onto his shoulder.

“I asked him and he said he wasn’t. But he answered really quickly, I don’t know if he was lying,” Dan hummed and Henry patted his head.

“That sounds rough buddy. What happened after he freaked out? What the hell did you do?”

“Well after he apologised a shit ton, I told him we we’re okay and that he should go and sort out his problem and made some jokes. It became less awkward quite quickly but I was scared he was going to leave and run off, I don’t want to lose him. He did something like that before, I didn’t handle it well…” Dan trailed off under Henry’s stare. He looked sad but his eyebrows were raised.

“Dan, have you thought about him like that before?” He asked and Dan’s mouth went dry.

“I… I don’t want to like him like that Henry,” he pleaded and Henry laughed without humour in his voice.

“I’ve told myself that before,” he said bitterly and ruffled Dan’s hair. “There’s only so far sheer willpower will get you,”

Dan deflated. “This kind of thing happened to you too?” he asked and Henry gave him a sad smile.

“Trust me, you may as well give in. At least then you can accept nothing will happen,” he sighed, then shook his head. “Actually, it’s different with you. Your guy likes you back, mine has no idea,” he mumbled and Dan put his arm around henry and squeezed his shoulders.

“It’s too complicated for us to work out though,”

“Tell that to the guy who realised they were in love with their best friend who likes someone else as soon as you went away from them,” he said bitterly and Dan kissed his head.

“You should have told me.” Henry shook his head and gave him a small smile.

“You had too much shit on your plate, I didn’t want to worry you. It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s not like much will happen. Just now I might message you with screenshots telling you I’m dying. But you can do the same if you want,” he said and Dan sighed.

“Can I ask who it is?” Dan asked and Henry bit his lip, then nodded.

“It’s… er… Ian,” he said, hiding his face and Dan’s heart ached for him. Ian was definitely not into Henry.

“I’m really sorry Henners,” Dan told him.

“I’m sorry too. For lying to you,” he replied and Dan removed Henry’s hands so he would look at him.

“You’re worth just as much as that other person and you’re wonderful. They’re just missing out on one of the best things to happen to them,” Dan told him honestly, staring into Henry’s eyes to get his point across. Brown eyeliner Henry sometimes wore was streaked where he has rubbed his eyes, the edges frayed with tears and Dan hated seeing them without a spark. But they still shone with something. “You’re beautiful.”

Henry reached up and kissed him for a few seconds, clinging to his jaw before moving away and wiping his cheeks, sniffing.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I wish you every happiness forever,”

“That’s very sweet of you,” Dan said and Henry smiled, even if it wasn’t with his eyes.

“You do a lot for the people you care about.” He said softly, and Dan kissed him in return.

*

"I don't want to leave this house behind," Dan mumbled as he lay on the bed, closing his eyes to the daylight and feeling Phil pushing at his leg. "I don't want to be getting rid of the trampoline," he added, burying his face in the sheets and then refusing to breathe as he smelt Phil against his nose.

"I'm not going to say it's just an object and you should get over it, I understand," Phil said and then smiled, shuffling around and Dan felt his weight make the bed dip. "Want to give it a proper send-off tonight?" He asked and Dan lifted his head. He liked that idea.

"Hell yeah. I mean it's cold as fuck, so we'll have to wear about a billion jumpers, but yes, please," he gabbled and Phil's smile softened. "What?" Dan asked, feeling himself blush a little and he nearly hid his face again. He felt Phil lie down beside him and kept his eyes open, trying not to be drawn into his soft gaze.

"It's nice when you're passionate," he said and pushed his glasses back up his nose.

"It has good memories. And is nice for stargazing," Dan tried to argue weakly. "And you've used it a lot to make me smile again and soon I won't have it at all," Dan added in a rushed mumble and Phil lightly touched his cheek, making Dan look up at him again before Phil slid into his arms.

"There will always be other things. But let's give it one good last night, okay? It can make some other people feel happy now," Phil said gently and Dan smiled, breathing into Phil's neck and curling his fingers around him.

"I'm glad I'm not losing you with it," he mumbled and Phil stroked a hand through his hair. "And I'm glad you keep me safe, and look after me, and lie with me like this and wow this is embarrassing I'm going to stop," he mumbled, shoving his red face into Phil's shoulder completely, hearing him chuckle.

"You really are sentimental," Phil told him and started stroking through his hair, rubbing circles at the back of his neck which almost made Dan purr.

"Shut up," Dan laughed but let out a happy sigh. "Thanks." He whispered and Phil paused for a second before kissing his temple, then his cheek, before stopping.

"Sorry about those." he whispered and Dan didn't know how to tell him he didn't mind.

*

They stifled sniggers as they wrapped up in hoodies and blankets and snook outside, clutching at each other's hands and climbing onto the trampoline, Phil starting to bounce straight away and making Dan unsteady. Phil's blanket was tied to him like a cape and while he jumped it almost made him look like he was flying. Dan paused for a while to stare at his superhero, wobbling but staring at his smile. All he needed to save him was an idiot in a blanket.

Once he had found his footing and had joined in with Phil's laughter he started to jump too, looking up at the sky and feeling blessed that there weren't too many clouds.

"You always liked the stars." Phil told him softly as they kept jumping, although they were both slowing down. Dan kept bouncing but turned to look at Phil who was using Dan's phone and soon soft music was drifting out of the speakers.

"You’re such a nerd," Dan laughed as he heard the music and Phil grinned and nodded, before he yelped and clutched his mouth. "You okay?"

"I bit my tongue!" Phil whined and pulled a distressed face.

"Maybe we should stop jumping," Dan suggested, regaining his footing and sitting down on the trampoline, waiting for Phil to join him. Phil finished clutching his mouth and sat down next to him, lying back and grabbing Dan's hand to make him join him.

"I bet aliens are going to beam us up now," Phil said and Dan chuckled.

"I wish," He said and waved his arms around. “Yo aliens! Come pick us up please!” he called quietly and Phil laughed beside him.

He heard Phil laugh beside him, but then his own smile faulted and he bit his lip. They would never be able to do this again.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Phil asked, propping himself up on an arm to look at Dan.

"I don't want this to be over," he whispered, staring straight at the sky. "I'm scared when I move house you'll be gone. I'm scared when I'm sad there'll be no trampoline to get me outside on." He felt Phil's hand squeeze his, then they were lifted above his head.

"You say you hate cheesy things, but I think you'll like this," Phil said, shuffling closer so they were pressed together more. "Pick a star," he said and Dan chuckled dryly.

"Really?"

"Just do it."

Dan circled the sky with their hands together, flexing his fingers before pointing at one, not really thinking about it.

"That one," he decided and Phil shook his head.

"Sorry, that's on the way to Neverland, we can't have that one. Think harder and pick," Phil said and Dan rolled his eyes.

"Okay that one," he said, moving his hand a little and pointing.

"That's actually Mars. You can tell from how it's a little dimmer and pinkish. Try again, unless you want a planet that's named after a God of war, which I personally don't think suits you," Phil said and Dan groaned but thought about it before picking, choosing part of a cluster.

"That one," he said and Phil finally smiled.

"Good choice." Phil said, then went quiet. Dan waited. Phil stayed quiet.

"Is there more to this?" Dan asked and Phil shrugged.

"I was hoping it was a spaceship that would come and pick us up," Phil shrugged and Dan laughed, shoving him with his shoulder.

"You dick, I thought you were going to be meaningful," Dan said bitterly.

"I was. I'm also being cheesy. You ready for this?" Phil asked and Dan rolled his eyes.

"Okay,"

"So you picked your star. Well guess what, I picked one too," Phil told him and Dan pretended to be shocked.

"Are you telling me we picked the same one?" He asked, mock apprehension in his voice.

"No," Phil said bluntly and Dan deflated a little, the smile falling off his face. "I picked you instead."

Dan felt like his gut had been punched. He stared at Phil’s gentle smile and his mouth fell open. How the hell could Phil say something so casually under the fucking stars when where they were lying meant so much to them? He blinked slowly and his hand moved up and rested on Phil’s jaw, rolling on his side to move closer. Phil was still smiling and Dan hated it. Timidly, he leant forward and placed his lips against Phil’s for just a few seconds, leaving his eyes open to see Phil’s flutter shut. He felt Phil press a little harder and he quickly backed off in fear, but Phil’s smile was still in place.

“Just friends, right?” he grinned and moved Dan so his head was resting on Phil’s heart. Dan didn’t know how to answer that he wasn’t so sure about that ‘just friends’ thing anymore. He wanted to tell Phil he was scared about his emotions changing to something like that. As soon as he felt Phil’s lips kiss back, his stomach curled with pleasure and it freaked him out. He wanted more whilst not wanting it to mean what it meant. He didn’t want any of this, but he still wanted Phil. He wanted to stop thinking.

He decided to just nod against Phil’s chest and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to look for aliens anymore.

*

“Maybe we should fuck,”

“You what?”

Henry shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe we should have sex,” he repeated and Dan stared at him, his eyes narrowing.

“I feel like I have known you long enough to know if you’re joking or not, but I have no idea,” Dan said skeptically and Henry grinned.

“Well at least it’s more fun guessing,” He teased and Dan squinted more.

“I still don’t know if you’re being serious.” Dan frowned.

“What do you think?” Henry smirked, raising his eyebrows and Dan pursed his lips.

“Serious?”

“You do know me,” Henry beamed.

"Hen, I don't want to be a stereotype but I thought you were ace?" Dan asked and Henry chewed his lip and shook his head.

"I think... I think I'm Demi?" He asked, as if he was asking Dan the answer. "Like sex has never repulsed me I just never wanted it with random strangers, or with like people I only knew a bit. But like I know everything about you and I feel like it would be comfortable with someone like you," he said, not always looking at him and Dan could tell he was really nervous. "I know you've never done something like that with anyone and it's obvious I haven't either and I'm definitely not forcing you into this, I won't care if you don't want to. I mean, if you do like that guy back and think it wouldn't feel right or just don't wanna do that kind of thing with me that's super cool, like-"

"Henry it’s okay," Dan said and Henry let out a nervous laugh, a smile on his lips but Dan knew it wasn't quite there. He took his hand and squeezed it. "I know you're not forcing me into this, don't worry. I haven't really had huge plans for my first time so don't worry about that either, but I don't know instantly. Can I think it over? Also if it happens and you change your mind part way through that's also fine because man, feelings are confusing," Dan said and Henry's smile looked more genuine, even if he couldn't meet Dan's eyes.

"You're nice," Henry said, weakly punching his shoulder and Dan laughed.

"Thanks." He said and Henry chewed his lip before looking back at Dan.

"Do you still think you might like that guy?" He asked quietly and Dan's stomach dropped.

"I don't know," he mumbled.

"Because even though you know I'd give you the world if we do this then I really don't want to be a substitute for your feelings for him," Henry explained, tugging at the sleeves of his penguin jumper and Dan shook his head swiftly.

"God, Henry, you'd never be," Dan said hurriedly and Henry let out a hollow laugh, shivering a little.

"Sorry, I'm just a bit..." He trailed off and Dan sighed.

"Need a hug?" He asked and Henry crawled onto his lap, tucking himself into his neck.

"Thanks. I felt vulnerable," he said and Dan squeezed him softly.

"That's okay."

"Hey do you wanna know what I did yesterday?" He asked and Dan nodded, smiling affectionately at his tiny friend.

"What?"

"I found out my next door neighbour is really homophobic so I printed out gay porn and taped it to his tree," he said and Dan spluttered, before laughing loudly, hugging him more tightly.

"Please never change.”

*

Dan had been told that some moments in life had to be treasured. Advice had to be taken and certain words should never be forgotten. Dan wasn't sure why, but this scene felt like one.

Music was playing and Dan walked into his room, boxes piled everywhere and the only light coming through the window from the fading day. Phil was in the middle of the room with his eyes shut, wearing only socks and his boxers and spinning. He was falling everywhere as he kept turning and then opened his eyes, his smile growing as he saw Dan.

"Join me," he called, his voice dipping randomly from where the room caught it and Dan just stared.

"Why?" He asked in bewilderment and Phil stretched his arms out, looking up at the ceiling. He looked as if he was on a different planet.

"Because the world looks better as a blur." He replied.

Dan took off his clothes and span until he fell over, a smile straining at his lips. He watched the world slowly stop around him and he caught Phil's eye. Phil reached out and his fingers danced up Dan’s arm. He was giggling slightly and pushed back some of Dan’s hair away from his eyes, panting softly. Then Dan couldn’t stop staring and sirens may have been going off in his head. Phil coughed and pulled away, chuckling awkwardly.

They both started spinning again.

*

Dan was going to do it. He was going to live life in a blur. He was going to sleep with Henry. Probably. He wasn't sure yet. He was going to decide when he saw him. So in about ten seconds, as he was on Henry's doorstep and had just rung the bell.

"Hey," Henry grinned as he opened the door and Dan placed a hand on his jaw and kissed him.

"Whoa," Henry said, pushing him away a little, smirking. "Eager to see me?" He asked and Dan chuckled.

"I think I've decided," he said, leaning on the doorframe and Henry raised his eyebrows.

"That you're in love with me? I like the drama, you should have roses though," he pointed out and Dan sighed, but chuckled.

"No, about the other thing,"

"The sex thing?"

"Yeah that thing," Dan said and suddenly felt a little shy.

"Oh," Henry smiled, looking a little nervous too. "What did you decide?" He asked and Dan looked at the floor before meeting Henry's eyes and nodding.

"Yeah. I wanna do it," Dan said and Henry grinned.

"That- that's good," Henry smiled. "I mean, unless you meant right now, because my mum's home, and that's not a good idea, so-"

"Not right now," Dan clarified. "But like, when it is a good time, then yes," he said and Henry poked his stomach.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"What for? It's not like I'm saying yes out of pity, I want to do this," Dan said and Henry moved closer and leant his head on Dan's chest.

"You're buying condoms if I'm buying lube," he whispered and Dan chuckled and ruffled the top of his head.

"Okay you nerd,"

"Love you," Henry mumbled and Dan smiled and hugged him.

"I love you too."

*

"I'm going over to Henry's," Dan smiled and Phil looked up from his laptop.

"You sleeping over? It's sort of late," Phil noticed. "I can walk you back if you want? I know you hate the dark," He asked and Dan shook his head quickly, trying to stop his cheeks flushing.

"I'm sleeping over, don't worry about it," he smiled. “But thanks.” Phil narrowed his eyes before standing up, moving closer to Dan who shied away. He hadn't told Phil about his plan with Henry. "What?" He asked, licking his lips and Phil's look broke and he chuckled.

"Have fun," he said and kissed his forehead, making Dan swallow. His mouth opened like he wanted to say something, but then closed it.

"Bye." he said quickly before flashing him a smile and rushing out the door. He didn't want to be late and make Henry nervous.

*

"Okay how the fuck does any of this work?" Henry asked, sitting down on his bed and Dan shrugged, sitting down beside him. "I'm not meant to like lie on my back and tell you to 'take me now' and then make really stupid noises while my heart pounds right?" He asked and Dan laughed.

"You and your yaoi," he smiled fondly. "Kissing probably is the way to go," he decided and Henry laughed.

"I feel so uneducated," he mumbled and Dan put his arm around his shoulder.

"I think you're just nervous," he said softly and Henry blew his fringe up and rolled his eyes.

"Well you would be too if you were about to have sex for the first time with your friend who you-"

"Henry, I am literally right next to you in the same situation. You complete idiot," he deadpanned and Henry giggled awkwardly.

"Oh yeah," he said and Dan just shook his head.

"You're a nerd. I have no idea how this is even going to happen when we’re both this awkward," he grinned and Henry hummed and pouted his mouth sideways.

"Okay close your eyes," he started and Dan shut them. "Okay now stay still," he said and Dan felt Henry move before there was a weight on his lap, Henry's knees squeezing his hips.

"You good?" He asked, keeping his eyes shut.

"No, just one second, and keep your eyes closed," he said, moving Dan's hands and placing them both on his waist.

"Now?"

"Keep your eyes closed." Henry whispered and Dan felt him kiss him. He squeezed Henry's waist and leant up to apply more pressure, feeling Henry's mouth open and he copied, hoping he was doing alright.

"This okay?" Henry mumbled and Dan nodded, moving a hand to the back of Henry's neck and pulling him closer. This was a new feeling. He slid his hand into Henry's hair and pulled a little and Henry gasped into his mouth, and Dan chuckled. Henry pulled back and scowled at him, but his cheeks were bright red. Dan just gave him a soppy smile and pulled him back, but Henry started kissing along his jaw and down his neck and Dan shivered. It felt so good and he whimpered a little more loudly than he expected. He felt Henry smile against his skin.

"Does that feel good? I take it movies aren't lying too much about neck kisses," he asked and Dan swallowed.

"Yeah, it's um great," he said and Henry giggled.

"Show me later?" He asked and Dan nodded, feeling a little dizzy as Henry placed kisses around his ear and along the nape of his neck.

"Of course," he said and gingerly slid his hand up Henry's top, feeling his stomach quiver as he let his hands trace his skin.

"Your hands are cold," he mumbled and pulled at Dan's t-shirt collar and kissed lower. "Why did you wear a jacket?"

"Same reason my hands are cold; the weather," Dan teased and Henry moved and glared at him again.

"Smart ass,"

"With a good ass," Dan teased and Henry quickly moved his hands and shoved his down the back of Dan's jeans, making him yelp.

"Fight me," he glared and Dan lay back so Henry's hands were trapped.

"I've already won." he pointed out and Henry buried his head in Dan's shoulder, nuzzling into his neck.

"I really hate you sometimes," Henry moaned and tugged his hands free. "Can I take off your shirt? Your skin is nice," Henry mumbled.

"You sound like a cannibal,"

"Dan," Henry whined and Dan nodded, sitting them back up and placing a gentle kiss to Henry's lips before raising his arms to help Henry slide off his jacket and then his shirt. He then hugged Dan to him and kissed the join of his neck. "You're really warm," he said and Dan just stroked along his spine.

"You doing okay?" Dan checked and Henry nodded, smiling.

"Yeah, I just want it slow," he explained and Dan smiled. “I like feeling close to you,”

"That's fine with me," Dan told him. They stayed quiet for half a minute before Henry spoke up.

"Would you maybe kiss my neck?" He asked and Dan nudged Henry's head away and kissed his jaw, then slowly down and Henry grabbed onto Dan's shoulders, leaning his head and tracing a hand up Dan's neck and into his hair.

"I lied. I really don't hate you," Henry gasped, and his hips bucked a little into Dan's who moved against his with a moan. "I like you a lot and you're really pretty," Henry mumbled and Dan rolled into Henry again who whined and grabbed at him again.

"Should we move?" Dan asked and Henry nodded.

"Did you bring the stuff?" He asked and Dan nodded. "Time to grab it all," he decided and he shuffled off Dan, pulling his shirt down awkwardly and Dan just kissed his forehead before grabbing the condoms from his bag as Henry held up a bottle of lube.

"Right, I hope you paid attention in sex ed because I didn't listen to how to put a condom on because I didn't think I needed to," Henry admitted and Dan laughed.

"I got you, don't worry." He said and Henry reached upwards and brushed some hair from Dan's face.

"Bed time." he whispered, and Dan was really glad he had Henry.

*

"You're extra cuddly right now," Dan observed as Henry pretty much lay on top of him.

"I just had sex for the first time, I need my post-cuddles," he mumbled and Dan smiled.

"You okay?"

"I'm glad it was you," Henry murmured against his chest and Dan smiled.

"I'm glad it was you too,"

"Also thanks for being slow and letting me overly close to you," Henry added and Dan laughed.

"Hen you're being insecure. You were great and it was lovely," Dan reassured him and Henry let out a sigh.

"I could fall for you Dan Howell," he said wistfully. "I really could,"

"You're too good for me," Dan said honestly, but he was also biting his lip. He was thinking about Phil now. He wouldn't hate for something like this to happen with Phil. And then his feelings wouldn't be an issue.

He saw Henry poke his head up and look at him. "Now you're being insecure. You could have anyone you wanted because my friend, you are very attractive and rather sweet," he told him and Dan saw something else behind his eyes. "It makes me feel special," he added, shuffling up closer to Dan and kissing his cheek. "That you wanted me,"

"You're special without me," Dan told him and Henry smiled.

"Oh what I would be with you." he murmured and kissed him again. Dan changed the topic.

"Good life experience to check off?" Dan asked and Henry nodded, nibbling the inside of his lips.

"Yeah, but I don't think I'd want it to happen again," he said thoughtfully, the light in his eyes fading and Dan agreed in private. He felt like that was a good idea. "I like us more how we are. But I can totally tell people when they start mooning over you that I've been there done that," he smiled softly and Dan rolled his eyes.

"Glad I'm a nice trophy," he pouted.

"Dan, you're so much more than that even if you don't listen when I tell you and I tell you a lot," Henry rolled his eyes, tilting Dan to face him with his hand and Dan just looked away. "Hey, look at me. Dan, please?" He asked and Dan did. "You're everything," Henry stated, his gaze not leaving his eyes.

"Everything?"

"Everything." Henry confirmed. "And every good adjective I can think of." Dan smiled.

"And you're so important," he replied and Henry pecked his lips.

"Do you know what else is important? Sleep and the knowledge of how to get lube off your bedsheets," Henry told him and Dan laughed.

"Google it tomorrow. Sleep sounds good." Henry nodded in agreement.

"It's nice knowing you'll be here in the morning," Henry told him quietly. "It means a lot you did this for me," he added.

"Do I get thank you chocolate?"

"You might do," Henry thought. "We'll see if I eat it before I get it to you,"

"Can't argue with that." Dan shrugged and watched as Henry snuggled into yet another position, closing his eyes and sighing.

"Goodnight Dan, I love you." Henry’s voice catched.

"Goodnight, I love you too."

Dan secretly whispered a goodnight to Phil as well, and hoped he wasn't watching.

*

Why the hell was Dan feeling guilty? He had gotten back home and seen Phil lying on his bed, smiling as he looked up from his Gameboy at him and Dan felt his stomach twist. Dan had done nothing wrong, but he felt his cheeks tinge as he looked away from Phil, muttering a quick greeting before unpacking his bag.

“Good night?” Phil asked as Dan started throwing clothes in his laundry basket and he swallowed before flashing Phil a smile.

“Yeah,”

“What movies did you watch?” He asked and Dan froze before chuckling.

“We actually played The Walking Dead all night,” He covered and Phil nodded and went back to his game. Dan gave up rooting through his bag for all his clothes and tipped it out on the floor, and the rattle of a packet fell on the floor. Condoms were a dead giveaway.

He panicked. He quickly grabbed it and because his reflexes probably weren’t the best they could be, shoved it down the front of his top. _Nice move_ , he cursed himself.

He threw the rest of his stuff in the hamper before standing up and shuffling over to the wardrobe and taking off his jacket to hang up, quickly shoving the box of condoms into one of his hoodie pockets.

“Good save.” he muttered to himself sarcastically before flopping down onto the bed beside Phil.

“Your hair is all curly,” Phil said, ruffling it and Dan let out a noise of protest and smoothed it down. “You forgot you straighteners?” he asked and Dan nodded.

“Henry wouldn’t let me borrow his either. Apparently I’m the only one who hates my natural hair,”

“You are. Has Henry tried to plait it yet? It’s getting sort of long,” Phil teased and Dan blushed and shook his head.

“No. I mean, well, he’s tried to put it back in a ponytail,” He said and Phil grinned.

“Please tell me you have a picture,” Phil asked and Dan shook his head.

“No,”

“If we’re talking about Henry there is a picture somewhere,” Phil pointed out and Dan glared at him.

“Don’t you dare try and find it,” Dan said sternly and Phil’s smile got wider. “Phil, no-“

“Attack!” Phil yelled and leapt on Dan, pushing him down and grabbing his phone from his back pocket, making Dan turn scarlet as he felt Phil’s hand brush his ass and tried to grab the phone back, but Phil was already on the other side of the bed, scrolling through the photos. “Aha!” he yelled before Dan could even get near to him and showed Dan the photo.

“I’m getting a haircut,” Dan sulked and Phil crawled back over to him.

“It looks pretty good I think,” He said and Dan shook his head.

“I’m getting it cut,” he repeated and Phil reached his hands up and ran a hand through it. Dan tried to bat it away, but it was a weak attempt.

“If you’re getting it cut you could even get it pushed away from your face,” he said, pushing all of Dan’s hair back and Dan let out a frustrated whine. Phil started giving him a middle parting and laughed when Dan reached up again, grabbing his hand and raising his eyebrows at him. “You usually like having your hair played with, is something wrong?” Phil asked, peering a little closer and Dan looked away. Phil was a bit too close and it felt a bit too familiar of last night having hands running through his hair.

“I’m self-conscious,” he mumbled.

“Of what?”

“My hair of course,” Dan told him bluntly.

“Your hair is lovely,”

“I’m going to have a shower and then shave it all off,” he said and started to crawl off the bed but Phil yanked him back.

“Something’s wrong and you’re not talking to me,” Phil said, staring him straight in the eyes and Dan wiggled. Phil just had to know him so well.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said and Phil let him go and looked at his feet.

“You’re not telling me something that’s making you act weird. Have I done something wrong?” he wondered and Dan shook his head, seeing the worry spread over Phil’s face.

“No, of course not,” Dan said honestly, licking his lips.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Phil whispered and Dan sighed.

“Phil, I can’t always tell you everything,” He said softly and climbed off the bed, grabbing his towel as he walked away.

He rested his head against the wall of the shower and let the droplets roll off his shoulders. He wanted to tell Phil without seeing the hurt that would flash over his eyes. He wanted to explain to Phil why he’d done it and apologise even if there was nothing to apologise for. He wanted to kiss Phil and tell him that everything was okay. He didn’t want to be with Phil romantically even though he knew the signs clear as day. Sighing a lot, staring when he knew he shouldn’t be, and craving him when he wasn’t around. Yeah, Dan was screwed for Phil.

“Fuck,” he breathed and crouched down, clutching his head. He wanted to cut off his hair, he wanted to tear up his clothes, burn his shoes, just do something to compensate for the fact everything in his life was fucked up. Maybe he should dye his hair instead, people apparently did that when they were stressed.

The water was steaming up the mirror and curling under the door and he sighed, watching the water drop from his fringe onto his knees.Then he heard a soft voice singing. “But baby it’s cold outside…” It fell quiet for a few more seconds before the line repeated, and Dan recognised it was Phil. Of course it was.

“Been hoping that you’d drop by,” he heard and he nibbled his lips. “I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice.” Dan gently uncurled his body as Phil kept singing, staring at the door.

“I ought to say no no no sir,” Dan mumbled and wondered if Phil could hear him. Phil paused and Dan almost heard the smile in his voice.

“Mind if I move in closer?”

“At least I’m going to say that I tried,” Dan sung a little more loudly, talking to himself more than Phil. He was standing up now.  “I really can’t stay… ah but it’s cold outside,” he whispered, wiping a tear off his cheek.

“Dan, can I come in?” He heard Phil ask gently and he shut the water off, climbing out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist.

“Yeah.” His voice cracked.

Phil slid into the room and gave him a soft smile. “You okay?” he asked and Dan sat on the edge of the bath.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and Phil sat beside him.

“You were right. You don’t have to tell me everything, that’s okay, I’m sorry,” he said and Dan propped his elbows on his knees and raked his hands through his hair.

“But I want to tell you, I just can’t. I don’t want the consequences,” he tried to explain and Phil chuckled.

“I know the feeling to some extent. I mean, I hid the fact I loved you for a long time,” Phil commented and Dan mouthed words stuck on his tongue.

“Do you, do you still feel like that about me?” Dan asked and peaked to see Phil nodding sadly beside him.

“You grow more beautiful in every way,” he said gently and Dan was silently choking.

“I had sex with Henry last night,” he spat and cowered into himself. He couldn’t look at Phil.

Phil was silent for about a minute. “Do you love him?” he whispered, his voice cracking and Dan felt so terrible.

“Not in that way. He thought he was demisexual, and so asked me because I’m closest to him if we could do it because he didn’t think he’d feel comfortable in that way with someone else for a while. I didn’t want my first time to go to someone random either and it’s Henry, you know. It was a onetime thing. I didn’t want to tell you but I felt bad that I didn’t as I really do tell you everything. I felt guilty. Earlier you missed me spectacularly hiding a packet of condoms in one of my hoodie pockets because I didn’t want you to find out. I don’t understand why I feel like this, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Phil help me.”

Phil wound an arm around his shoulders. “You’re such an idiot,” he mumbled into his hair. “You are so wonderfully stupid. Dan you only had to explain it. You only had to explain what happened and that’s all I needed. I have no rights to stop you doing anything anyway,” Phil told him and Dan leant into him.

“You get jealous though,” Dan spoke up and Phil sighed.

“Of course I do. You’re pretty much my whole world…” Phil let the sentence linger, but didn’t finish it.  “Dan, please don’t let things like this swallow you up whole.” Dan closed his eyes and focused on the fabric of Phil’s shirt on his shoulder. “Dan you look like you’re going to faint.” Phil mumbled and pressed a hand to his forehead.

“Shower was hot,” he muttered and Phil tutted.

“I’m gonna carry you to bed okay,” he asked and Dan tried to whine in protest but Phil had already picked him up and he just clamped the towel down on the back of his thighs.

“Be careful with your hands, no butt touching,” Dan warned and Phil chuckled.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,”

“You would,”

“Fair point but _only_ in dreams,” Phil said firmly.

“That’s more okay.” Dan decided.

He was placed down on the bed and Phil threw boxers to him while he basked in the coolness of the room.

“Love get changed,” Phil said and Dan just lay back.

“Why do you only call me that when I’m vulnerable?” he asked, staring up at the ceiling and he heard Phil sigh.

“Because I’m selfish and it’s the only time I can.” he said honestly and Dan wiggled and shimmied his boxers on under the cover of his towel, turning around and crawling under to covers, shutting his eyes and waiting for Phil to climb in beside him. When he didn’t after around a minute Dan whined and threw and arm out behind him off the bed, trying to reach for Phil. A hand slid into his and then Phil scrambled over him and he peaked his eyes open.

“Hey,” he murmured and Phil made their noses bump.

“Hey,” he replied and felt Phil’s breath against his lips. He tried to move forwards but Phil moved away.

“Don’t pretend.” He whispered and Dan turned around, feeling Phil squeeze him tightly and kissed the back of his head.

Pretending was all Dan ever did.

  
**  
**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay right it gets like more sad from here i'm sure like there's more sex on the way but mostly it's all sad


	4. Not his

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new girl shows up, Phil's heart cracks, Dan has a BIG breakdown, some people kiss, lots of people cry, and no one gets a happy ending quite yet.

Amelie came out of nowhere. She had mint green eyes and long blonde hair that she usually wore in a bun. She had thick glasses and Cupid bow lips and petals seemed to bloom as she walked. She sat next to Dan in music; A French exchange student that Dan has heard was meant to turn up but hadn't realised how much she would affect him. She made him feel different to Phil. She made him feel relaxed and not sick, she made him smile and not stress. She was beautiful.

It started when Dan made her laugh and told her stupid jokes, and she taught him a few French phrases. She then started kissing his cheeks in greeting, a slight smirk dangling off the end of her nose but warmth in her eyes. Dan would always blush and mutter a strangled hello in French in return. She had said hello to him once in passing while he had been walking with Henry, and Henry had laughed at him for the rest of the day.

"Dan you are so fucked," he laughed and Dan stumbled over his words even more. But even Henry knew, and Phil had been noticing.

One day she missed his cheek and kissed his lips, saying it was an accident and Dan knew she was lying. When the lesson was over she grabbed his hand and took him outside and kissed him again, telling him that she wanted to be with him while she was here. Dan instantly agreed and she hugged him, her perfume filling his mind. That meant three months of a French fantasy. Henry had then reconfirmed that he should have learnt French instead of German.

Phil was a different matter. Dan could see his smiles held sadness and tried not to let his gaze linger. He tried not to sleep too close or play with his now shortened hair. Dan noticed, but looked away. He didn't want to make it worse.

One day Amelie came into sixth form with her hair down and she taught Dan how to braid it and he struggled or a full lunchtime trying to fix it for her. Henry ended up having to help him to which he pouted but Amelie kissed it away and Dan felt so warm inside.

Dan didn't talk about Amelie with Phil. She barely came over to his house because Dan never wanted to feel like she was taking Phil's spot but he still sometimes lied when he was going to her house. He'd say he was going to Henry's and then have a knot in his stomach for the rest of the evening. But when Dan did tell the truth about where he was going Phil would be a little closer to him, and so Dan selfishly watched the hurt to receive more love.

His dad liked Amelie. He said Dan was doing very well to find someone like her and even though Dan knew it couldn't last forever he didn't regret starting it at all. She laughed loudly at the dinner table and snorted juice from her nose and Dan felt like he was very close to loving her.

Phil said Amelie sounded wonderful, amazing, cute, witty, funny, complimenting her in every way but Dan saw that Phil was only making comparisons. Dan told him once that he knew Phil was comparing himself to her and that he shouldn't, because he was amazing too.

"How could I not?" He replied.

Dan kept going back and forth, worrying about Phil, basking in two types of love and wallowing in guilt. He hated constantly flicking around, he hated seeing the looks Phil have him where he looked about to say something important, his tongue on the edge of his lips. Then his face would fall in seconds, and Dan would blame himself for creating a barrier between them.

Yet, when Amelie told Dan she loved him and asked if he felt the same, he nearly threw up his lie when he replied with the only thing he could think of:

"How could I not?"

*

Time was running out and it was getting near to the end of spring. They only had a week left of sixth form until she left and Amelie was planned to stay over on their last night together. Dan had never been more scared and excited. He had never seen Phil look so heartbroken when he said they'd have to miss a night. But Phil smiled, and Phil punched his shoulder and Phil didn't protest. He slept close to Dan again and kissed his shoulder when he thought Dan was sleeping. Dan pretended it hadn't happened and that he hadn't felt anything twist inside.

Dan nearly pretended Phil wasn't real.

*

When Amelie giggled Dan was pretty sure fairies came back to life. She was doing a lot of giggling now, giving Dan chaste kisses over and over while they lay on Dan's bed. Dan hoped Phil was in a different room.

She kissed him again and Dan slid his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her closer and she smiled as the kiss lingered.

"You're beautiful," Dan muttered between their lips. She kissed him a little harder. Dan hoped Phil wasn't watching.

Her lips trailed down Dan's neck and he shuddered, making her smile and nibble at his ear. She muttered something Dan didn't know the meaning of in French and he squeezed her waist, pulling her back to meet his lips. He felt her move and he was a little startled as he saw her straddle him, her hair falling in her face as she leant back down. Dan let his eyes close and focussed on the feeling of her against his skin, feeling for the frames of her glasses and taking them off, putting them on the desk where they usually lay and stroking a hand through the short strands. But when his hands went to their cheeks they felt too warm, and Dan looked up to see someone different above him. Then Amelie again.

Dan gasped and his eyes went wide as he saw Phil standing beside the bed, bitten lips and nearly crying and Dan couldn't stop the shock that flashed inside him. Amelie froze.

"Phil?" She asked and Dan looked at her, confused.

"What?" He panicked and her look turned dark.

"Who is Phil?" she demanded and Dan realised what he'd done.

"No, Amelie, no it wasn't like that," Dan began quickly but she scrambled m off him, looking almost murderous.

"Menteur! Fuck you Dan, connard!" she spat, wiping her eyes and unfastening the necklace Dan had gotten her. It was thrown at him before she quickly pulled on her shirt and left, slamming the door. Dan could only stare after her. The flowers that had grown were wilted and poisoned in less than a minute, he couldn't save them. This had been too much.

"Dan?" He heard a soft voice beside him and Dan closed his eyes before turning to see Phil, feeling rage pool in the pit of his stomach. Dan had fucked up, but Phil was the reason behind it.

"What the fuck?" Dan stated, glaring right into his eyes, his fist curling into the bed sheets. Phil's eyes were already filled with regret but Dan didn't care. Phil had known what he was doing. Dan hadn’t been thinking of Phil.

"Dan-" he tried but he was cut off.

"Why the fuck would you do that Phil? You knew what you were doing and what would happen but you're going to try and give me shit about how it was a mistake? You made me screw up something that for once was going well! I don't get that often, Phil, and you ruined my last night of it forever!" Dan yelled, moving away from him to the other side of the room, but Phil followed.

"Dan I'm sorry," Phil whispered but Dan shook his head. _He hadn’t been thinking of Phil._

"Phil, showing up like that was sick, it was perverted. Why the hell did you want to see that? Am I just some cheap show to you?" Dan spat and Phil shook his head.

"Of course not, I lo-"

"Phil just because you love me doesn't give you the right to do shit like that! I've lost someone _I loved_ because of you!" A sob rose to Dan's throat and he choked it out, realising tears were starting to block his vision. _He wasn’t thinking of Phil_. He was thinking of Amelie. Truthfully, he hadn’t loved her, but she was important, and she was gone, and Dan was scared, and he _hadn’t been thinking of Phil_. He couldn’t have been.

"I'm so sorry Dan,"

"Fuck you," Dan sobbed, wiping his eyes roughly, and he wasn't sure if Phil flickered or not. "Fuck you, I was hoping you'd be somewhere else, I was thinking how horrible it would be for you if you saw. But you fucked that up for yourself." Dan sniffed and Phil paused another apology he was about to attempt to fix things with.

"You were thinking of me?"

Dan blinked. "I was worried about you," Dan muttered, lying his way out of it the best he could. Phil couldn’t know how much. "But it doesn't give you the excuse to just show up like that!" He was crying properly now and Phil reached out for him but Dan hit his hand away. He couldn’t handle this.

"No Phil, you had three strikes, and I know you didn't leave but whatever the fuck this was, how am I meant to do anything in my life without knowing you could show up and ruin it?" he said and Phil broke.

"No, Dan please, no," he begged, grabbing Dan's shoulders and Dan looked at the floor.

"Phil you can't control your jealousy, this would never work," he muttered, as much to himself as to Phil. Phil gripped him tightly.

"I can, I promise," he begged desperately and Dan met his gaze.

"Do you not realise what the hell you just did?" Dan glared, his voice raising in volume again but dropping low in pitch. "What if you had done that with Henry? Would it be okay for me to lose him too? What about my dad, make him send me to therapy? Make me lose everyone so all I have is you?" Dan shouted and Phil shook his head.

"Dan, I would never-"

"You already have!" Dan screamed and stepped closer to him. "Fuck you." He said, staring right into his eyes, and feeling his gut twist. He turned away and grabbed the door, pulling it open, ready to run from that feeling, but Phil was right there.

"Don't pull that shit on me," Dan spat, but his voice cracked. "Don't remind me now that you're not real," he almost whispered, sniffing and not bothering to wipe his cheeks.

"I don't want you to go," Phil pleaded gently.

"Don't do that," Dan said bluntly. "Don't say stuff like that so calmly when I'm mad at you." He couldn't meet Phil's eyes. "Let me go,"

"I can't. Dan I'm so sorry. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't handle you being with someone else in that way, I just couldn't stop myself and I'm so so sorry," Phil pleaded and Dan shook his head.

"I hate you," he whispered, finally looking up at Phil and Dan cursed his imagination. Phil looked so broken and so beautiful and Dan was so angry he had caused all this. It was all his fault.

"I really hate you." He repeated with more bite, his fist clenching. He grabbed a book from his bookshelf and threw it at the wall, hearing it crash against it but Phil kept staring at him, and Dan saw everything in his eyes. He couldn’t look away.

"Fuck you so much," he whispered and grabbed Phil's cheeks and smashed his lips against his. Phil made a small noise of shock as Dan pulled him around and pushed him backwards, making him fall back on the bed, biting at his lips and tugging at Phil's clothes. "Fuck you." He whispered again as Phil wrapped his arms around him, squeezing him, and Dan knew his tears were on Phil's cheeks too.

Phil's shirt came off first, then Dan's and Phil sucked a mark behind Dan's ear, making him pull Phil's hair in annoyance that he was still jealous and possessive after all he had done. But it wasn't like Dan wasn't the same of Phil. He'd hate it if Phil had someone else.

Dan was a horrible person.

It was rough and over quick, Dan's movements the opposite of Phil's gentle ones, clawing not caressing and full of half-asked anger.

They collapsed stickily into bed, Phil leaving his body open for if Dan chose to be near him, and Dan knew Phil was praying that Dan didn't really want him to leave.

"You still have another strike," Dan mumbled, shuffling a little closer but not touching. "You didn't run away so you're still okay,"

"Thank you," Phil said softly and Dan shoved a pillow over his face.

"I'm still mad at you," he told him, voice muffled.

"I'm mad at me too," Phil replied, his voice meek and Dan peered over at him. He looked so uncertain.

"What's wrong?" Dan sighed. He really didn't like seeing Phil hurt. Phil ran a hand through his hair and touched Dan's hand briefly.

"Was that pity?" He asked in thought. "Did that mean anything?"

Dan sighed again. He wasn't sure. "It wasn't pity," he decided. He knew it wasn't that at least.

"So why?" Phil asked and Dan rolled over to face him.

"I don't know, my gut maybe?" He suggested and Phil chewed his lip then nodded.

"Okay." He said finally and they fell back into silence. "Will that ever happen again?"

"Maybe," Dan told him honestly. "Maybe in a different way," he murmured, more to himself and slid his hand around Phil's waist and pulled him closer.

"This is gross, we should have cleaned up," Phil said, pulling a face and Dan shrugged.

"Do you really want to move?"

"Not really,"

"Well then it looks like we're going to be sticky." Dan pointed out and Phil cautiously put his arms around Dan.

"I guess that's okay," Phil decided and Dan hid his head in Phil's chest.

"I don't hate you," he whispered. "You make it too hard for me to do that," he said, running his fingers along Phil's side.

"But you did fuck me," Phil said and Dan chuckled weakly.

"Technically you fucked me. I can't do anything I say I will," Dan said bitterly and Phil hugged him tighter.

"You do a lot more than you think," Phil told him and Dan let out a huff.

"And they're all bad decisions,"

"Not all of them," Phil said and kissed his hair. Dan pleaded with his mind that Phil wouldn't do it again. "You should go to bed love." Phil suggested and Dan squeezed his eyes shut. There was that word again.

"You need to stop calling me that,"

"I means the same when I say your name," Phil whispered and Dan’s body slumped.

"You're never going to let me win, are you?" He asked and Phil shook his head.

"Probably not,"

"Asshole,"

"You too. Goodnight Dan,"

"Goodnight, Phil."

*

The next time they had sex it was different. It wasn't romantic, but Dan wasn't so angry. He placed a kiss to Phil's neck and then gave him a look, hoping it would express what he was hoping for. Phil moved forwards and kissed him, nibbling his lips and pulling him closer. Each kiss felt desperate, and almost winded Dan there was so much force behind them. Phil was clinging onto him and Dan was scared Phil was going to leave. He didn't know how to tell him not to. He didn't know how to tell him he needed him. So he did it in actions.

When he tugged at Phil’s hair it was to get him closer and less sharply, he ran his hands across Phil’s back instead of scratching and he didn’t clutch at him hoping it would leave bruises.

The time after that however it was anger again. They had fought because Phil had spoken up about Dan being cold towards him, and it all just tumbled out. Dan found as many things as possible to blame on Phil which he knew weren’t his fault and Phil called him out on it and then Dan got more mad and then Dan kissed him again. Phil just seemed to go with it.

They fought again, they had sex. It became a pattern, but slowly the tension was easing between them, and they were becoming okay. Dan had run out of insecurities to blame on Phil and Phil was seemingly happier he didn’t have to silence Dan by kissing him.

“I don’t like having to do that as a way to stop your emotions but sometimes you get too much,” he mumbled one night and Dan sighed into his shoulder.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll never force you to if you really don’t want to, you know that, right?” he mumbled back and Phil sighed and ran a hand through Dan’s fringe.

“With you, I take what I can get,” Phil told him. “We both need to pretend to keep existing I guess,” he murmured and Dan stayed silent. Phil made blunt things so gentle sometimes.

“That’s okay though, isn’t it?” Dan wondered and Phil squeezed his waist.

“Together it is. As long as we have each other to be idiot messes around,” he told him and Dan finally felt a smile tinge his lips as he closed his eyes.

*

"So you're celebrating your birthday with a tattoo?" Henry asked, looking sceptical and Dan shrugged.

"Why not?" He asked and Henry shook his head. “I have the money and I have fake ID,"

"You can't wait another year though?"

"I really want one now. Got a problem?"

"Oh no, I'm all for it, you'll look hot. Just what of?" He asked and Dan hummed.

"I don't actually know yet,"

"You're an idiot. _Oooh, I'm Dan Howell I want a tattoo and I have to get it illegally but I have no idea what to get, I'm so smart_ ,"

"Shut up and suggest things,"

"Get a dick,"

"I'm not getting a dick tattoo,"

"Get it on your _ass_ ,"

"Henry _no_ ,"

"Henry _yes_!"

Dan laughed and looked at his arms. He didn't know where either.

"Do you want it to be something you like? A memory? Something meaningful or maybe something pretty?" Henry suggested and Dan shrugged.

"Help me?" He asked and Henry grinned.

"Hell yeah! I knew doing art was a good decision,”

“Has it all led up to this?”

“But of course.”

Henry grabbed his sketchbook and looked at Dan. "Because it's you you'll want something meaningful but without colour right? So maybe something small and simple to start?" He suggested. "What do you like? Like what's important to you?" He asked expectantly and Dan's throat went dry. Phil.

"Memories," he decided and Henry wrote it down.

"Any prominent ones?" He asked and Dan's mind flashed back to lying on his bed with Phil, wishes on birthdays, kisses on cheeks, holding hands, looking at stars, trampolines.

"I... before I moved house, my old friend came over and-"

"The one who grinded on you while asleep?" Henry cut in and Dan nodded, blushing at the memory. A lot had changed since then.

"Yeah him. But we used to lie on my trampoline all the time at night and we talked about aliens abducting us," he chuckled and Henry smiled and started to scribble, showing him a simple alien. Dan took the pencil off him and gave it floppy hair and glasses.

"Alien nerd?" Henry asked and Dan smiled.

"Maybe."

Henry drew him birthday candles, dandelion puffs, a spaceship with stars around it, a pair of glasses, a penguin (he said it represented him) and then a comet. Dan liked all of them, and wished he had the money for a sleeve.

"I like them all," he frowned. "Also where would I get one?" He wondered and Henry chewed his lip thoughtfully.

"Torso somewhere?" He asked and Dan nodded.

"Take off your shirt, I'll draw them on," he said and Dan shrugged it off, dropping it on the floor.

"Ah yes, I remember this body well," Henry teased and Dan rolled his eyes. "You wanna be able to see it right?" He asked and Dan nodded.

"Maybe not my arms. My wrist though? Or my chest? Or ribs? I don't know. My tummy might tickle too much, but my hip might not," he thought out loud and Henry grabbed an ink pen and picked up his sketch ideas.

He started off with stars on Dan's collarbones, and then a dandelion puff on the side of his ribs under his arm. The birthday candle went on his wrist which Dan liked a lot, and asked Henry to do a puff on the other one too. Henry then finally tugged Dan's jeans down a little and drew a spaceship on his hip, adding the little alien inside.

"I like the ones on my wrists," Dan said, looking in the mirror. "And the spaceship. Maybe the puff could go on my ribs?" He suggested and Henry shrugged.

"I'd start off with one tattoo to be honest," he said and Dan hummed.

"Henry, which one?" He asked, looking away from the mirror at Henry.

"Should I wash them off and do the dandelion across your chest in a different way?" He suggested and Dan nodded.

"Yeah, I trust you." he said and Henry smiled and patted his lower back before leaving the room.

He came back with a wet washcloth and rubbed at Dan's torso, leaving the ones on his wrist and made Dan lie on the bed as he drew on his chest. It tickled and he tried not to laugh (Henry would hit him when he did) and chose to just watch Henry work, seeing his eyebrows knit in concentration. Dan reached up and ran a hand through Henry's hair, hearing him sigh.

"You look tired," he mumbled and Henry gave a short nod.

"I haven't been sleeping well," he muttered, non-committed to the conversation.

"Been thinking too much?" Dan asked and Henry paused for a second.

"Been lonely," he mumbled, and started drawing again.

"Want me to stay over tonight?" Dan asked and Henry bit his lip and looked at Dan's face.

"Would you? Having someone to talk to and cuddle might help," He asked and Dan nodded.

"Course I would. Whatever you need, I'll go out and bring back snacks if you want," he said and Henry leant down and kissed him. It had been a while since he'd done that.

"Thanks." he mumbled shyly and went back to drawing.

When he was done Dan was excited to look in the mirror and simply stared for a while. Henry had drawn the dandelion on one side of his chest with a few puffs flying off along towards the other side, but then they started to turn into little stars and comets and even a tiny planet.

"You like it?" Henry asked and Dan beamed.

"I love it," he stated and hugged Henry who squeaked but hugged him back.

"I'll take a photo and sketch it out again to give to the guy when we get your tattoo done properly. I'm coming with you for that by the way," he said and Dan nodded and squeezed him harder.

"You're my favourite," Dan told him and Henry chuckled but shook his head.

"I'm not, that Phil guy is, but I'm happy being second." he said gently and Dan tried not to admit that Henry was right.

*

"Fuck," Dan cursed and Henry laughed, squeezing his hand.

"It's a needle did you not think it would hurt?" Henry teased and Dan glared at him.

"I will personally grab a needle and give you a tattoo," Dan warned and Henry laughed.

"Like you would. But just remember how cool this is going to look," he said and Dan smiled.

"It's a good job I like your style of art," Dan said and Henry saluted.

"Of course you would because you love everything about me," he rambled and Dan shook his head.

"I hate everything about you, I'm only friends with you so you'll design me tattoos," he said bluntly and Henry laughed louder.

"Dan you can't do deadpan," he said and Dan smiled.

"It's good to know you know me well,"

"You'll have proof of it on your chest soon," Henry pointed out and Dan grinned, then winced.

"Hell yeah I will,"

"Want some gum to take your mind off it?" Henry asked and Dan nodded, letting Henry pop a piece in his mouth before chewing. "Does Phil know you're getting a tattoo?" He asked quietly and Dan shook his head.

"Not yet," he swallowed.

"Does he not like them or are you trying not to show you like him as more of a friend?" Henry asked and Dan tried not to squirm.

"Neither," he lied but Henry just raised his eyebrows.

"You're an idiot." He said and Dan knew that if Henry knew, he really was screwed.

*

Considering Dan wanted to hide his tattoo he didn’t think too much about it when they were getting changed for bed and he of course, got undressed in the same room as Phil.

"Why is your chest all red?" Phil questioned almost instantly and Dan quickly let his shirt drop back over his stomach and pulled his collar up a little further, looking guilty. "Dan?" Phil asked again, looking worried.

“I er…” He trailed off.

“Is it a rash? Let me look,” Phil said and Dan backed away.

“Calm down mum, it's fine I promise,” He said, but Phil narrowed his eyes.

“Dan I will take your shirt off,” Phil warned and Dan winked at him.

“Oh will you?” he teased defensively but Phil glared at him.

“Dan why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Phil asked, his tone changing and he didn’t look angry, only concerned. Dan hung his head. It was time to show Phil and hope it didn’t give too much away.

“I got a tattoo,” he mumbled, glancing up at Phil to see his eyes were wide.

“Now I’m definitely going to take your shirt off I wanna see it,” Phil grinned, starting to advance upon him and Dan backed away but gulped when his back hit the wardrobe.

“It’s all red and sore,” Dan tried to deter.

“I’ll put cream on it for you then,” Phil said, getting closer and Dan pressed himself against the wall, gripping his shirt collar and pulling it up to his chin.

“It doesn’t need it,” he tried again but Phil’s nose was almost touching his now and Dan was breathing a little heavier. Phil’s hands rested over Dan’s and Phil ducked his head to Dan’s ear.

“Please show me,” he whispered and Dan shivered, his hands loosening without thinking and that’s when Phil tugged upwards. Dan yelped in the struggle as they stumbled with Dan unable to see because his sight was blocked by shirt and felt himself thud into Phil who fell backwards. At least Phil was a soft landing. But the shirt was off his head and Phil quickly rolled them over so he could look better. Dan tried to cover it with his arms but winced as he touched the skin. Phil smiled softly down at him, chuckling lightly and gently took Dan’s hands, moving them away without any resistance and Dan watched him stare. And stare.

“Phil?” he asked and a smile crept up his lips and he met Dan’s eyes.

“It’s perfect for you,” he told him and Dan felt himself blushing. “But you really need to put cream on it,” he fussed and Dan nodded a little, but was too focussed on Phil. So when Phil leant down and kissed him softly, Dan didn’t try to change the tone.

Phil’s glasses slipped down his nose against Dan’s making him chuckle, and it was almost as if they were both children again. Before all this shit happened, when the only thing that mattered was convincing their parents to let them sleep over. It was comforting. He even ran his hands up Phil’s wrists and entwined their fingers together. But now things were slower he was thinking; mind reeling and only focusing on Phil. Dan had always wanted things like this to be fast, so he didn’t have time to worry or regret his actions, but now it was everything he had feared. He loved Phil back and he couldn’t tell him. It was so obvious, but he hoped Phil could stay oblivious, add just two little letters to oppose the meaning. He couldn’t let him know and finally give in to being insane.

Phil pulled away and brushed the hair from his face, a soft yet sad smile on his face. “Let me sort out your chest,” he said gently, getting up and grabbing the ointment from his bag and sitting back on Dan’s thighs, pulling his own top off before pushing his glasses back up his nose. He spread the cream so lightly over Dan’s tattoo he could barely feel it, his breath only hitching when Phil wiped the spare down his sides and kissed his cheek.

“I’m gonna go brush my teeth,” he told him, starting to pull away but Dan grabbed his wrist.

He whispered the only word on his mind. “Stay.”  

Phil stared back with longing in his eyes, but he looked uncertain. He licked his lips and pulled his arm away, staring at his fingers as he drew circles on Dan’s palms. “Why?” he asked.

“Because I need you,” Dan whispered, closing his eyes in embarrassment. “Just as you are, right now,” he added, squeezing his eyelids tighter and he felt Phil’s thumb brush over them, and he dared to look.

“Dan?” Phil whispered and Dan couldn’t help himself as he reached up and kissed him as gently as possible. Phil meant everything to him and Dan wanted to tell him, even if he couldn’t in words.

He moved his body against Phil’s, letting his hips roll into Phil’s who gasped into his mouth. He breathed Dan’s name and ran his fingers through his hair, nudging his nose against his and closing his eyes, his chest falling heavily.

“Can I…” He licked his lips. “Can I tell you I love you?”

Dan looked up at him and bit Phil’s lip, pulling him back down to him. He couldn’t hear Phil say those words, so he silenced him instead. Phil must have been so confused but it was as if he couldn’t stop himself as he slowly pulled down Dan’s pyjamas, his gaze almost always on Dan’s face. Dan couldn’t stop the feeling of embarrassment to be exposed, to be emotionally as well as physically vulnerable in this position, but his eyes were glued to Phil’s, staying open to look at him as they kissed and moving wherever he went.

He was terrified. He was worried Phil would suddenly reject this sort of action and tell Dan it was wrong, that he no longer wanted anything to do with him because he was so inconsistent and flaky. He was scared he was going to run away and disappear. He didn’t have another strike, Dan would have to make him go, and he knew he didn’t have the strength inside him to do that, but he knew he was very able to do stupid stuff when he was angry. Most of all maybe, he was scared Phil would realise his shift in emotions from this change, and if he was called out on it, Dan would be the one to run away. He knew the consequences, and he was trying to face them as indirectly as possible.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Phil kissing down his stomach, tugging the fabric of his pyjamas off before mouthing at Dan’s dick over his boxers. Dan’s head fell back in a loud gasp and his hand curled into Phil’s hair, running his fingers through the strands and gripping as Phil finally slid them down and began licking the tip. His toes curled and his back arched as he willed Phil to sink lower and was granted with harder sucks as he began to bob his head. Soft moans were trickling from Dan’s lips and he closed his eyes. He couldn’t look back at Phil staring at him while he was doing that, and when he hit the back of Phil’s throat he pulled at his hair, trying to get him to move off. He didn’t want any of this to be rushed. They had done messy blow jobs before, frottage, quick hand jobs and Dan didn’t want any of that. A feeling of emptiness was pooling in his stomach, him hoping Phil wouldn’t get bored of the slow pace, but the soft affectionate smile that was on his lips as he moved back to kiss Dan, the soft breaths seeping through his lips were unwinding Dan’s worries.

Phil moved his hips down slowly, as if asking if it was what Dan wanted and Dan gasped his agreement and let his fingers work open Phil’s button and zipper before sliding them off, leaving his hands resting on Phil’s ass, groping and earning Phil’s hips bucking against his own.

Phil reached over him and grabbed lube from Dan’s side drawer and flicked it open, pouring some on his fingers and Dan spread his legs a little too eagerly, making Phil chuckle and him blush.

Whenever Phil fingered Dan he would always be careful, but this seemed a new kind of cautious. Phil was gently placing little kisses and sucks around Dan’s neck as he slowly pushed his fingers inside him, Dan letting out a whine as he crooked his fingers and pumped them in and out.

“You’re beautiful,” Phil whispered as he added his third finger and Dan mewled, wanting more and Phil hushed him with a quick peck and pulled his fingers out, leaving Dan breathless and clenching around nothing.

“Please, Phil,” Dan gasped and Phil paused for a second before kissing him again and lubing up his dick.

Dan barely said names during sex. Usually he didn’t like reminding himself it was Phil he was projecting his anger onto but this he knew was different. They both knew it was different.

He pushed in slowly and let out a low moan, Dan echoing as he reached for Phil’s hand and clutched it, leaving Phil wide eyed as he entwined their fingers and just staring at Dan as he bottomed out.

Dan opened his mouth to say something, trying to deny the intimacy he had just created but Phil smiled and kissed the back of his hand, then his wrist, and then leant down and kissed his cheek, smiling softly.

“Don’t worry,” he said softly before kissing him once more and beginning to move. Dan had no idea what Phil was telling him not to worry about considering he knew how dangerous every action was at this moment but he forgot as Phil began to pick up a rhythm. He was going deep each time and making Dan move up the bed and his head fell back with a groan as Phil hit his prostate.

“Phil,” he whined desperately and he kept hitting the same spot over until Dan came over both their stomachs and Phil climaxed soon after. He rode through his orgasm but didn’t pull out straight away, just stared at Dan’s face and kissed his fingertips lightly before pulling out, grabbing a tissue and cleaning up.

Phil lay down beside Dan but they didn’t move towards each other, just kept panting. Phil’s hand found Dan’s however and he was so scared Phil knew. Dan wouldn’t be able to deny how he felt about Phil now. The feeling was fresh and raw and on their skin and in their minds. Dan would have to confess and he didn’t want to. He just wanted Phil to be real.

“You okay?” Phil asked, running his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand and Dan stayed quiet before choosing an answer.

“Yeah,” he whispered, and it wasn’t a full lie. Dan had never felt so alive in his life. It was the feeling of being a child and jumping off a swing from up high for the first time; wind rushing through his ears and adrenaline pumping and happiness running through his veins. But he also wanted to scream and he was terrified when he’d hit the floor he’d crumple and no one would help him.

“Want a hug?” Phil asked and Dan nodded before rolling over and pressing his face into Phil’s shoulder.

“You’re warm,” he murmured and Phil kissed the top of his head.

“Well, that’s because I just exerted myself having sex with you,” Phil said and Dan chuckled, then fell quiet.

“You’re always warm though. It’s nice.” Phil stroked through his hair and stayed quiet, trying to reduce the tension in Dan’s shoulders. “Thanks for that, by the way,” he mumbled, hoping to not have to explain himself.

“Anytime,” Phil told him and Dan sighed, moving away to tug the covers up themselves and Phil chuckled as he clung back onto him. “You’re being soppy tonight,”

“I’m being sleepy,” Dan tried to correct him but Phil just chuckled and kissed his temple.

“Okay, you’re being sleepy, Mr Soppypants,” he teased and Dan groaned.

“You’re the worst,” he mumbled, then let out a loud yawn.

“Go to bed love,” Phil told him softly and this once Dan let himself savour that word.

“Okay. Goodnight Phil,”

“Night Dan. See you in the morning.”

Everything was back to normal, even if Dan realised it wasn't normal to know someone by their body temperature.

*

“Any reason why you’re holding my hand?” Phil asked and Dan shuffled, letting his head rest on Phil’s shoulder. Phil had been sitting on their bed, reading like usual and Dan had gotten bored of his laptop, feeling a little lonely. He thought he might have gotten away without being questioned about doing this. He guessed not.

“Because I want to hold your hand,” he decided and Phil chuckled.

“But I can’t turn the pages of my book,” he pointed out and Dan whined.

“Pay attention to me then,” he moaned and Phil folded the corner of the page and put the book down.

“And why should I do that?” He asked, going to fold his arms and Dan leant up to kiss him, but Phil moved away. “Not today,” Phil said quietly, looking across the room. Dan’s mouth fell open and his tongue was dry.

“No, I didn’t…” Dan cut himself off. He had forgotten they weren’t together like that. Phil thought he would only kiss him to make it lead to sex. Dan didn’t want that, he had just wanted Phil to kiss him back. The other night had changed nothing, and Phil was distancing himself, just as Dan had before. He was so stupid.

“I mean, that’s fine, go back to reading,” Dan corrected, forcing a smile. “I’m gonna go have a bath,” he decided and got off the bed, leaving the room.

They really weren’t together like that to the point casual kisses weren’t allowed. He slumped down in the corridor. They were just friends. He hated how he only heard Phil’s voice say those words.

“Dan?” he heard Phil call and he panicked, scrambling up and rushing into the bathroom, shoving the taps on full blast before Phil tapped him on the shoulder, making him spin around. “Whoa you’re jumpy, everything okay?” he checked and Dan laughed nervously.

“Yeah, just didn’t hear you because of the water,” he explained shakily and Phil smiled.

“I was wondering if I could share your bath, like we used to when we were little?” he asked shyly and Dan felt his throat dry up.

“Er, yeah, sure,” he choked, his voice suddenly hoarse. Phil just gave him a lopsided smile.

Phil made him put too many bubbles in the bath and was acting too cheerful and it was worrying Dan. All feelings were worrying him if he was honest. Every time Phil touched him his stomach jolted and either ice or fire ran through his skin. Undressing in front of Phil however, Dan was blushing all over. Phil was just casually discarding clothes and fussing around naked whilst Dan was awkwardly still in his boxers and socks.

“Come on, the water will get cold,” Phil warned and pinged Dan’s waistband, causing him to wriggle away. Phil stepped into the bath and sat down, gesturing for Dan to get in and he quickly kicked off his socks and tugged off his boxers before joining him, though unsure how he’d fit.

“I don’t think you’ve thought through the fact we’ve grown,” Dan mumbled as they sat with their legs tucked up and Phil rolled his eyes.

“Then lean back on my chest,” he said.

“This isn’t a movie Phil,”

“Aw, where’s your romantic nature gone?” he teased and Dan rolled his eyes before turning around (nearly splashing out half the water) and nervously leaning back against Phil, who hugged Dan closer to him.

“This is so awkward,” Dan told him, chuckling and Phil shrugged.

“What’s a little platonic naked bath time cuddling between friends?” Phil asked and Dan swirled his finger in some bubbles.

“But it’s not just that, is it?” he whispered and he felt Phil slide a hand down his chest, but Dan grabbed it. “I don’t want that,” he said sadly and he heard Phil let out a quiet huff.

“You don’t make any sense,” he muttered and Dan slid his fingers between Phil’s.

“Just… sit with me,” he whispered and leant his head back to rest in the crook of Phil’s neck. They stayed so all that could be heard for a few minutes was the swish of the water and soft breathing, both watching Dan play with the bubbles, making mounds on their knees before Phil spoke up.

“Is your tattoo okay now?” he asked, gently tracing the area of skin.

“Yeah. I sort of want another one already,”

“What of?” Phil asked and Dan hummed.

“I don’t know. Henry did design some pretty cool ones for me,” he said. “Maybe something with colour,” he wondered and Phil moved his fingers along his collarbone, making him swallow.

“Like what?”

“He did a candle for my wrist, which I liked a lot,” he said and Phil smiled against his shoulder.

“Your tattoos have the theme of wishes, you know that?” Phil asked and Dan chuckled.

“Yeah. Even if you don’t believe in them I’m still hoping.”

Phil fell quiet and Dan felt the smile disappear. His grip tightened and he froze up, nuzzling his head slightly against Dan’s back.

“I didn’t really stop hoping, I just started wishing for something else,” he said quietly and Dan shivered against him as Phil planted a kiss to the side of his neck.

“For what?” Dan dared to ask.

“I can’t say, and you know I won’t,” Phil reminded him.

“Until we’re yelling and screaming at each other again,” Dan said grimly and Phil planted another one. Dan’s breathing stuttered.

“We’re not always like that,” Phil mumbled, tracing patterns on Dan’s stomach.

“Because then I vent my frustration at you by sex and you let me to stop the fight,” he replied and Phil shushed him, resting his fingers over Dan’s lips which he bit gently. “You can’t do this whenever things get bad you know,” Dan whispered and Phil kissed his neck again.

“I just want you to love me,” he mumbled, and Dan chuckled bitterly.

“Love isn’t always happiness and forgetting Phil. It’s pain and mistakes and doesn’t work without communication,” Dan said and Phil sighed.

“I wish I could make you happier.” Dan took his hand and kissed the back of it.

“You already do,” he said and Phil let go of his hand to move it across his cheek and jaw, running his fingers along Dan’s lips, then through his hair and tilting his head to the side so he could kiss his neck some more. Dan’s back arched slightly and he let his head loll back against Phil’s shoulder. His fingers dragged up Dan’s thighs and he let a whimper leave his lips.

“I already love you,” he breathed and Phil nibbled on his ear.

“Not in the same way.”

Dan didn’t bother to correct him, turning his head and managing to kiss under his jaw. He wanted to kiss him properly.

“Wait,” he muttered and pulled away, moving awkwardly around so he was on his knees straddling Phil’s thighs. He cradled Phil’s face in his hands and tried to shuffle closer, nearly slipping and head-butting Phil in the face, but Phil’s hands were on his waist and holding him tightly. They giggled breathlessly and Dan rested his forehead on Phil’s, closing his eyes and smiling softly as he let their lips touch for a few seconds before pulling back.

“I know I’m moody a lot, and it kind of stops me telling you a lot of stuff, but I adore you,” Dan murmured and Phil stroked up Dan’s side.

“You haven’t been this soppy for a while. The last time was that other night but before then…” Phil trailed off. “Don’t get me wrong, rough sex is great and all but, I’m glad I get to see this Dan again,” he said, looking a little shy and Dan wound his arms around his neck and hugged him.

“I’ve been taking everything out on you since Amelie and I’m sorry,” he murmured into his hair.

“Because it was my fault,”

“It was both of our faults. But it looks like we’ve kissed and made up,” Dan told him and Phil chuckled.

“You cliché,”

“You love it,” Dan retorted and Phil lightly slapped his bum.

“You know it,” he grinned and Dan stood up.

“We should get out,” he decided and Phil nodded, standing up with him and getting out of the bath, passing Dan a towel and draining the water. Dan wrapped it around his waist and Phil flashed him a smile and left the bathroom, swaying his hips more than usual and Dan rolled his eyes as they got back to their room.

“It still annoys me you can actually walk around naked and no one will see you,” Dan said and Phil rubbed a towel over Dan’s head.

“Technically only one person can see me and he’s seen everything I have so you know, there’s no point in modesty,” Phil said, leaving the towel on Dan’s head as he fussed with his contacts. Dan pulled the towel away from his eyes to see a flash of something black on Phil’s ribs before he turned away to tug on a shirt and pyjama bottoms while Dan stared. But Dan didn’t say anything and just got changed instead.

“Time to sleep,” Phil told him and grabbed Dan while he was shirtless around the waist and picked him up, making Dan yelp and laugh as Phil dropped him on the bed and then climbed on top of him. Dan was suddenly breathless again as Phil leant down and kissed him softly before rolling onto his side of the bed and pulling the covers up over them.

“Goodnight,” Dan mumbled, his eyes wide open as he curled up on Phil’s already heavily breathing chest. He waited until he knew Phil was actually asleep and slid his shirt up, sucking in a breath and flopping back to stare at the ceiling. A small tattoo now blossomed on Phil’s ribs in black ink. The letters _DH_ entwined carefully.

Dan hated it so much, but knew his next tattoo would match it.

*

“You bought a dog without telling me?” Dan asked, staring at the puppy squirming in Henry’s arms.

“I’m sorry but he was just so cute!”

“Hen I don’t know if we’re really ready to look after a puppy,”

“But Dan.” Henry pouted, holding the puppy up so only his eyes were visible over the soft fur.

“Henry…” Dan sighed, but scratched the top of the dog’s head who whined happily. “Okay fine, what stupid name have you called him?” he asked and Henry grinned, passing Dan the puppy who began licking his face and he laughed loudly.

“Aw he likes you! He’s called Meatloaf,” he said and Dan laughed.

“You’re vegetarian,”

“Babe that’s a technicality, don’t talk about it in front of our kid,”

“Henry we aren’t actually married, even if we act like it,” he reminded him.

"However you’re already Meatloaf’s other dad so tough shit,” he replied.

“Oh god,” Dan said, the responsibility that had been inflicted dawning on him. “I’m a father, a dog father,”

“And I’m yo husband,” Henry grinned but Dan chewed his lip.

“What happens next year when I go to uni?” he asked quietly and Henry hummed, taking and putting the dog down.

“You come and visit. We’ll be okay for a while,” he told him, taking his hand but Dan stared at the floor.

“But will I?” he murmured.

*

“Phil, what happens when I go to uni?” he mumbled and Phil put down his book and patted the bed beside him.

“Sit. Talk. What’s up?” Phil asked and Dan slumped down beside him.

“Do you come with me?”

“If you want me to.” Dan let his head flop onto Phil’s shoulder.

“Do you want to?”

“Dan…” Phil trailed off and Dan knew that tone.

“I know, I just worry that one day you’ll say no,” he mumbled and Phil sighed beside him.

“Dan, I know you might freak out, but try not to.” Dan felt his body tense. “What if… I don’t come with you?" he said softly and every sound died on Dan’s lips. “I mean I’ll visit, but I’ll also give you some freedom, you know?” he wondered and Dan was staring at the carpet. His mind was blank but if he looked hard enough he could see people’s faces in the fibres. “Dan?” The people looked sad too. Maybe living out of dust wasn't as good as it could be.

“ _Dan_.” His bubble burst and Dan blinked, looking round at him.

“Okay,” he mumbled, not meaning it.

“It’s not forever,” Phil told him and Dan knew Phil would leave him.

“Yeah.” Dan disagreed.

“Dan?”

*

“Henry…” he breathed and Henry looked up from beside him.

“Yeah?”

“Get me out of this classroom,” he whispered.

He could feel it. The fear in the pit of his stomach and his nails against his skin. It was too much at once, and he couldn’t breathe. The grey of the linen and the chatter in the background. Phil was leaving, Henry wouldn’t be around, he could fail, _he would fail_ , and he would be left alone. Alone, abandoned, unwanted.

He felt Henry’s hand take his and pull them from his arms but he was gasping and tears were pouring down his cheeks and he was trying to fight Henry off, only half understanding everything that was going on and gripping onto him as he was lead from the classroom.

Henry put his arms around his shoulder and he could hear him telling him he was safe, he was going to be alright, that like hell Henry would let anything hurt him. He thought they were in the corridor now, but he was busy staring at Phil reaching out for him. He closed his eyes and turned away.

“How can I help you?” He heard Henry asked and he dug his fingers into Henry’s shirt.

“I need something real.”

When he opened his eyes to look at Henry, Phil was gone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say it gets happier next chapter but tbh it doesn't  
> also sorry for the shittiestly described anxiety attack ever but i suck


	5. Goner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan makes a mistake when time runs low.

Phil wasn’t around so much anymore. Dan didn’t notice at first, he had been so busy starting A2 and keeping up with all the homework and new faces. When he did notice, it had hit him like bricks. Phil had said everything would be the same until Dan left, but now Phil would barely touch him and he wouldn’t be around much in the day. Dan thought he was just being shy, or thinking about something. He realised it was getting serious when Phil wasn’t there when he woke up.

Dan decided he preferred it when he was naive. He managed to get out of bed that day, but Henry made him go back home before they even got on the bus. Phil was there when he got back, and Phil let him hug him and he apologised but Dan didn’t know if he meant it or not. It was like he didn't care so much anymore.

Shouldn’t Phil be wanting to spend as much time with him as possible? Dan didn’t understand. He wanted to spend every moment he had left with Phil and maybe one day tell him how he felt. He wasn’t sure when, but he really wanted him to know at least how much he meant to him.

Phil used to walk beside him close enough to whisper in his ear, shoulders bumping and arms brushing. Dan got used never to react to them, but Phil had always been warm and it had always made his stomach swoop. Now Phil was a body away, no warmth tickling Dan’s tummy and a sour taste left in his mouth. It looked like Phil didn’t want the same things anymore. Looked like Dan had missed his chance.

“Phil,” Dan mumbled one night when he knew he was beside him and he gripped his t-shirt to keep him there. “Do you want to leave early?” Phil stayed quiet and Dan clung tighter, expecting him to disappear between his fingers. He heard Phil sigh before his hand went to his hair and he pulled Dan closer.

“Why would I want to do that?” Phil asked and Dan shrugged.

“I don’t know it just seems like you hate me,” he whispered and Phil sighed again, kissing his hair.

“I could never hate you,”

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” Phil stared up at the ceiling, then looked back at him. “I mean, this makes me sound like a shitty person, which I am, but you loving me in any way was quite a confidence booster,” he explained and Phil chuckled.

“You’re silly, I still love you. And you’re not a shitty person,”

“I am though. That’s why you don’t want to be around me anymore,” he mumbled, pressing his face into Phil’s chest. “And don’t lie your way out of this, just tell me straight, I’m too tired to get my hopes up,” he told him bitterly and Phil drew a heart on his back.

“I’m trying to see how I do without you,” Phil whispered into his hair. “It’s not great, to be honest,”

“Are you going to stay with me more now?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I should have told you what I was doing,”

“It’s okay,”

“It’s not,

“Phil, I hate to tell you, but I’m used to it,” Dan said bluntly and Phil squeezed him tighter.

“I’m sorry,”

“You haven’t run away again though, that’s something,”

“Dan…”

“I know I’ll shut up now,” He muttered and Phil shook his head.

“No, I want you to tell me everything. Anything that’s going through your head, I don’t care what.” Dan took a deep breath before beginning.

“You keep leaving when you say you won’t. You’re selfish because you never tell me what you’re doing and just leave me afterwards. You lie to me so much. You say you love me when I’m sure you don’t because I know what that is and you don’t do it. And I know about the tattoo on your ribs and I want one like it because I feel like I need it permanently written down that you actually existed, and I keep talking about you in past tense because it already feels like it’s over. So often I feel like shit because you don’t talk to me, don’t tell me what’s going on in your head when I tell you you can say anything and then it seems like you’re just making excuses when you talk all about this ‘love’ bullshit as your reason. Even right now I’m scared I will fall through you because you will leave and I’ll be resting my head on nothing, holding onto nothing, and then you won’t come back. And even if you do I shouldn’t let you stay because of the bullshit strike thing we know isn’t real because I need you around so much.  Then when I think about that I’m worried I’m keeping you here as I wouldn’t want you to be stuck and unhappy even if you’re leaving anyway. You’re a cruel person but sweet and that’s the worst combination because you don’t mean it but you hurt me and you know you do. Then you act all sorry and I forgive you and it starts all over again. I want the cycle to end but goddamn I don’t want to lose you because I’m really fucking stupid and still love you for it and-“Dan cut himself off with a large breath. “I don’t want to say any more,” he whispered and Phil stayed still for a short while, just letting Dan cry softly into his shoulder.

“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t around to hurt you. I’d say I was sorry but I don’t know if you want me to say it,” Phil whispered into his hair.

“Even I don’t know what I want you to say anymore,” Dan sobbed and Phil stroked his back.

“Should I just stay quiet?”

“Yeah,”

“Okay.”

Dan nearly soaked Phil’s t-shirt while Phil stroked his back, through his hair, along his sides, just trying to comfort him. He didn’t talk as Phil had asked and although Dan wanted his bittersweet consonance, he left it that way. He’d have to get used to it.

His body was slowly getting tired from crying and his brain was shutting down and even if Phil was slightly damp, he was making a good pillow.

“Dan, love, you falling asleep?” Phil asked when he was just breathing lightly, hitching a little but nearly back to normal. Dan nuzzled and nodded a yes into his armpit and Phil stroked his hair, kissing the top of his head. “Sleep then, I’ll stay here with you. I know you think I don’t like being here, but I really do. We just really do live in different worlds, and it’s difficult. I’d rather be here with you if I could but it’s getting harder because I’m stopping you from growing as a person and holding you back. I want the best for you, I have no idea what I’m doing, and you’re the only thing I have. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t think I can fix it for you anymore, you’re going to have to fix it for yourself. And I’ll be around for a while to help you, but then I’ll have to let you go.” Phil stayed quiet and Dan felt a little less sleepy as Phil slid a hand under his shirt and stroked his stomach. “Things would be different if I was alive, if I was real. Sorry I’m not. We could do so much together. Sorry, this is just getting sadder now. I’m not helping. I’m just happy I have part of you anyway. You really are my whole world.”

Dan let his eyes shut and focused on how nice it felt having Phil touching his skin. Dan kind of wanted to know if it would be possible to change lives, to find a way to forget all about Phil and to see what his life would have been without him. It probably would have sucked more than this one. Phil was precious to him, and even with all his flaws and the hurt he was still amazing and beautiful and shone to Dan.

“I know we’re kind of talking without sensors right now, so can I say some stuff?” he asked.

“As long as it doesn’t hurt me too much.” Phil winced.

“I just want to say that you are so much more than you think you are. You’re so much more than me. And I long to be like you and not because you’re alive, but because you’re amazing and brilliant and too good for this world.” Phil kissed his crown and Dan moved away a little. He couldn’t handle this affection when he was so weak.

“Like a cinnamon roll?” he mumbled and Phil chuckled.

“The purest,” the told him and Dan sighed. Then they were quiet again. Dan was nearly falling asleep and Phil was thinking. Dan could almost hear his thoughts whirring, churning, making Phil wiggle in discomfort until Dan placed a kiss under his jaw. Then he finally spoke.

“Dan, I am… I am right, to think we have something special, aren’t I?” Phil whispered and Dan chuckled lightly, finding Phil’s hand and linking their fingers.

“That’s the only thing I’m sure of.”

*

Dan knew he was being stupid, but he had taken to wearing Phil’s glasses. This was only when Dan was alone and Phil wasn’t wearing the glasses of course, but Dan liked seeing everything in blurs again. The world really did look better this way. He didn’t want to tell Phil, he was already worrying enough. It didn’t help that he was starting to lie on Phil’s side of the bed with him (even if there wasn't really room), wear some of the clothes they shared but Phil wore more often, to spin in circles whenever listening to music. He was trying to bottle up all the memories he could of Phil. They still had time, he just wanted to be safe. And it was all going perfectly fine until one day when Phil had been in the shower. Dan had been changing into pyjamas but his eyes had fallen on the shirt Phil had been wearing while he was still in his boxers, and then the glasses folded neatly on the desk. He slid his arms into the shirt and sniffed the collar, shaking himself out of being creepy and sliding the glasses onto his face. He quickly shoved on a song, knowing he wouldn’t have too much time left before Phil came back and he began spinning, letting his arms swing out as his bare toes gripped the carpet. He stopped spinning when he started feeling sick and flopped onto the bed, gripping the sheets and chuckling quietly to himself.

“Um… Dan?” Phil asked, clad in only boxers and Dan quickly pulled a blanket over his body, cursing himself for being stupid and feeling his whole body flush.

“Yeah what is it?” he replied as nonchalantly as possible but he heard Phil chuckle. Then the blanket was pulled off him and Dan rolled onto his side, looking away and acting as casually as possible.

“You’re such an idiot,” Phil said, plucking his glasses off Dan's nose. “Playing dress up?” he asked and Dan buried his face in the pillow.

“This is my shirt you know,” he mumbled and he felt Phil sit on the bed.

“Sure. And those glasses are yours too?” Dan wiggled.

“I wanted to stop seeing the world for a bit, I like not seeing all the crap around me,” he explained and he turned to look at Phil, having felt the pressure on the mattress leave but he couldn’t see him. Not even the blurs. “Phil,” he called out, his voice cracking and he pulled the glasses off, seeing Phil still sat on the bed looking confused. “W-what?” Dan mumbled, holding the glasses back up and watching Phil disappear through the lenses. He quickly took them off and passed them back to Phil before grabbing his hand.

“Dan are you okay?” Phil asked and Dan swallowed.

Did he not want to see Phil?

Dan managed to nod, tears pricking his eyes and he exhaled shakily. He’d learn to work the glasses. He’d learn to see Phil through them. Phil wasn’t bad.

He shuffled over to where Phil was and pushed his glasses onto his face, letting his fingers skim Phil’s cheeks as he pulled his hands away. “I think they look best on you,” Dan mumbled and Phil chuckled.

“You haven’t seen yourself in glasses. Please never wear them with a shirt for the sake of the world and so I keep breathing,” Phil told him and Dan half smiled.

“Have I found a weakness?” he teased and Phil rolled him into a hug, holding him tightly and not saying anything, simply burying his head into Dan’s hair. Dan wasn’t sure what it meant, but it felt warm, so he clung closer and listened to Phil’s long sighs. This was nice.

They hadn’t actually had sex for a while. It had been a few months, and Phil hadn’t been around much for one of them but the two after that there had been nothing. Barely any kisses or anything to signify they were more than friends. Not that they knew what they were, but aside from around three occasions Dan had been too tired to make a move and Phil hadn’t seemed to want to. Dan didn’t like the twist it was making in his stomach to not be that close with Phil.

“We haven’t had sex for a while.” Dan mumbled the thought out loud and Phil chuckled.

“Are you suggesting we do right now?”

“No, I just miss the closeness of it,”

“So you’re not talking about angry sex? That’s good, I didn’t want to start a fight… and I like the other kind a little more,” Phil added quietly and Dan smiled.

“Me too. “

The conversation was left at that and Dan was glad that it was their way of saying it would happen again sometime in the future. To be honest however, Dan liked anything to do with the future that involved Phil.

“By the way is this close enough to you?” Phil asked as he pulled Dan so he was properly lying on top of him and squeezed him.

“This is good,” Dan smiled and Phil pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“This is perfect.” Phil decided and Dan tried not to listen to the voice telling him it would be if Phil was real.

*

The end of autumn came quicker than Dan had thought. He had gotten into a cycle of working as much as he could, seeing Henry outside of sixth form once a week, then spending as much time with Phil, learning to appreciate the small things they still did. Such as Phil sitting in the same room when Dan did homework just to give him company. That was when Dan realised he had learnt the way Phil’s breath stuttered in the silence and his fingers fumbled with book pages. His soft snores when he was lying on his stomach on the left side a little too much and the way his hands often itched. How Phil’s hair felt against his shoulder and the exact weight of it when he leant his whole body against of it. Each little detail.

Then it got colder and the trees became bare, there were no leaves to kick up and ice to slip on. But only black ice, undetectable until you were slipping and falling and it became so that you knew sometime soon, you wouldn’t be able to get back up.

Phil started losing colour. It had been happening slowly, and Phil had always been pale, but now his hair was a dark navy, his eyes more like a grey day’s puddle and his lips tinged with frostbite. Dan tried to kiss warmth back into him, decorate his cheeks with roses, but he wasn’t strong enough anymore. He couldn’t keep Phil as strong as he had been.

“You’re tired Dan, it’s nothing serious.” Phil would tell him, but no matter how long Dan slept for, trying to regain some sort of energy, Phil would still look cold. He didn’t feel it, he was still warm, but now Phil would poke his toes under Dan’s bum when they sat near each other to warm them up.

Dan didn’t know what to do. He wondered about hair dye and colour contacts and make up until he realised he’d never be able to let the idea stutter from his lips because the look on Phil’s face would try to lie to him and Dan didn’t want to become any weaker.

"I'm sick." Phil told him one day, hiding his face in Dan's shoulder. "I was never meant to spend as much time in your world as I did, I never told you I couldn't spend most of my time here. It was just too tempting. Now I'm fading because of my stupidity."

"Why did you never tell me?"

"Because you needed me."

Dan had snorted but Phil shook his head.

"You are so much more important than me. Dan, this is my fault, I'm sorry you have to pay for it too. I don't think anything can change it now?"

"Not even if you spend more time back in your world?"

"Not even that. I'd rather fade with you anyway."

Dan got another tattoo, entwined letters of PL to try and keep him going, remind him that he had to do his best for Phil whenever he took his shirt off. It danced across his ribs when he stretched and was along the band near the bottom of his heart, on the right side under his arm closest to where Phil slept beside him each night. He would sometimes lie so Phil’s was pressed against his own and whispered wishes to the stars while Phil was sleeping.  Phil would kiss Dan’s tattoo and make jokes about how they should have complimenting shirts as well, the ‘if lost’ ones. At first Dan said how his should say ‘keep him’ on it and Phil had laughed. Dan had then decided he would probably end up changing it to say ‘I’m keeping him’, until the half-joke froze him inside with the fact that he wasn’t keeping Phil. He would still be leaving in around nine months. That didn’t feel like very long anymore.

*

Dan had started marking days off on his calendar. He told Phil he was counting down to exams, to his birthday, anything he could make up. He was counting down the time until Phil left. Sixth months now. He was starting to forget little things from each day they spent together and Dan was angry how the past three months had gone and Dan could barely recall a week’s worth of events. He started to write them down, little things that he felt were important. He had little notebooks strewn around so he could grab and write as he needed. Phil knew what he was doing and didn’t try to stop him, and sometimes Dan would find little messages from Phil, scrawls in the margins or quotes or doodles. He even found a stupid sketch of them puckered up with a heart between them and Dan thanked Phil for it with an actual kiss. Phil tried to pretend he hadn’t drawn anything and had no idea what Dan was talking about, but Dan was sure the quirk of his lips said differently.

*

Five months left and Dan got the birthday candle tattooed on his wrist. Phil wondered if maybe Dan should slow down, in case he ran out of space on his body for more when he was older but Dan disagreed. He liked the pain it took to get the meaning to be physical, and he was in some way trying to capture every little moment he had with Phil. He watched Henry blow out his birthday candles that year and felt Phil appear beside him as the cake being cut and run his fingers across it before leaving with a smile. Dan wished again, hoping the flame on his wrist would work like a real one if he simply hid the flame when he blew it out.

*

Three months now and Phil knew Dan was getting worried. He started turning up randomly when Dan felt he was struggling to stay okay and monochrome hands gripped his when he was scared. Phil wasn’t quite drained of all his colour yet, still holding some pink in his lips and a fleck or two of blue in his eyes, but his hair was a lighter grey now. Dan still loved him. Phil got colder. Dan tried to warm him up. Phil still smiled.

He then slowly got used to Phil’s new body temperature, thought about he was now the one keeping Phil warm at night and how sometimes he woke up shivering. He went out to the movies with Henry and held Phil’s hand throughout the darkness and felt so guilty for it, but later he kissed Dan’s crown and Dan knew he had to stop caring because Phil was too important to let bad thoughts replace ones of him. There was only three months. His exams had passed and he hoped he had done well enough to go to uni, but then thinking about it… he wouldn’t mind if he failed. His birthday was next week. It was the last one they would spend together and Dan didn’t even know what to do for it. Henry would probably come over and they’d watch some movies or something, or the other way around. Or they’d go out somewhere. If he was honest though, Dan wasn’t quite feeling it. He would happily just do something with Phil. If he was honest, he’d happily spend the day asleep lying next to Phil. At least he’d have one last wish to make.

*

Two months. Dan hadn’t had a cake to have candles on for his birthday and it made him want to scream. The most important one and now he was definitely going to lose Phil forever. Dan could only sometimes see Phil with colour. Sometimes he’d remember the old colours and try and picture them on Phil how he was, and it would sort of help.

Henry brought him a cupcake the day after and they put a candle in it, and Dan was better now he had had his wish, even if they were less strong when no one birthdays.

*

Thirty-one days. That was all they had. They’d spent more time together since Dan had finished exams and sixth form, Phil trying to stop letting Dan lie in bed with him all day. Sometimes Phil would get him to go out. They’d visit the park they used to walk past in their old neighbourhood and play on the swings. Sometimes they’d go outside and lie on the grass and count the stars. They’d battle on Pokemon and watch movies and laugh and Dan would pretend that everything was okay. That it still could be okay.

On Dan’s results day Phil kissed him like before. Except they were both sad, it tasted salty and Phil clung to him afterwards. He had gotten into uni and Dan didn’t feel much happiness for it. He felt empty, because he had just decided if Phil would leave or not. Was it too late to choose to take a gap year?

Phil had hugged the thoughts out of him. He would be leaving anyway. He was slowly becoming transparent. Only slightly, but Dan would notice when the tips of his fingers weren’t there.

Phil started kissing him again. Dan let him because it made Phil feel a little warmer but they were always simple. It was too obvious to Dan now that Phil wasn’t real, and he felt wrong now he knew fully it was just his imagination. He wondered if he should get help when Phil left, his imagination was a bit too strong for him and maybe he had a problem? But then he’d look at Phil and wonder how he’d be able to make something so wonderful.

Dan had been told that you can’t create a new face with your mind, you couldn’t dream about someone you’d never seen before. Dan had seen Phil age, grow, his jaw sharpen and his cheeks hollow. Dan wouldn’t have been able to do that unless he saw this person he was basing Phil off often, and he was definitely sure he wasn’t. This was logic. This had to mean Phil was more than just his imagination.

Dan was stupid. Phil was fading and it felt like half of him was dying. Nothing human could disappear like this. Phil was being pulled back into his own pencil-sketch world where he was only outlines, and Dan missed the glorious technicolour.

He really did wish Phil was real.

*

“Hey,” Phil whispered, seeing Dan lying on their bed, rolling a ball across the floor with his fingers and staring numbly. He had left to have a shower and Dan realised he was really running out of hours. Dan felt Phil sit on the bed beside him, walking his fingers up Dan’s back before running his fingers through his hair. “Promise you’ll live for both of us tomorrow,” he whispered and Dan chuckled weakly, feeling his body rise into Phil’s touch.

“Nah,” he said, a smile in his voice and Phil slid his hand under his shirt.

“You know that if you die, I really may as well never have existed at all right? I’m asking this to be selfish,” Phil said and Dan whined a little, kicking his legs gently but smiling as Phil drew spirals on his back.

“You liar,” Dan murmured and Phil kissed along his spine.

“Your favourite one,” he muttered, smiling. “But seriously, please stay alive,”

“I’ll take you on a ride,” Dan sang softly and Phil chuckled.

“Have I made you believe you’re at least a little bit lovely?” Phil asked, lying half on top of and squeezing his waist, kissing his shoulder. Dan hummed.

“A little,” he decided and Phil pressed a kiss to his neck.

“Good.” Phil slid his hand back under Dan’s shirt and stroked his side.

“When are you leaving tomorrow?” Dan whispered, clinging to the pillow and Phil hummed.

“I think evening. I’ll tell you if it changes. I’m staying with you until I have to leave though,” he told him and Dan sighed.

“Could you just like, not leave?” he asked hopefully and Phil kissed him again.

“I’d disappear without saying goodbye if I stayed. I have to go back and move on, I don’t want to be stuck here like this,” Phil explained.

“Yeah, I guess. I hope you get your colours back, wherever you go next. And meet someone nice, have a life with them, fall in love-“Dan stopped as the words choked him, his voice cracking. He let out a nervous laugh and wiped at his cheek quickly. “You know, on your own,” he mumbled and Phil shuffled closer and kissed the back of his neck.

“I don’t think I want to meet someone new like that,” Phil told him. “When I say that you’re my whole world I really mean it. I don’t think there’s anything left for me. But you, you’d better find the aliens for me.”

Dan let out a chuckle, then shoved his face back into the pillow. “I don’t want you to go,” he mumbled. “This really fucking sucks.”

“I know,” Phil agreed, then slid his hands up Dan’s shirt and began tickling his ribs. Dan shrieked.

“Holy fucking shit get off me!” Dan yelled, wiggling away, choked laughter leaving his lips as Phil rolled around with him, giggling mercilessly. He tried shoving Phil off but he was weak and all he could do was grab Phil’s shoulders and cling to him. Phil kept laughing and slowly let Dan begin to breathe again, giggling into his neck and hugging him to himself instead. Dan chuckled too, cradling Phil’s head gently and moving it so he could kiss him softly, his eyes fluttering shut as he tasted salt on his lips.

Phil kept giggling as he pulled away, but a tear was on his cheek and Dan’s throat clogged, his voice draining away.

“Don’t go.” Dan breathed and Phil stopped smiling. His eyes flicked down and away and he sighed.

“Dan…”

“No, stay. I need you,” Dan pleaded and Phil shuffled away a little, rolling and sitting on the other side of the bed, looking to where a window used to be.

“I’m too far gone,” he whispered and Dan remembered people weren’t usually half faded.

“I don’t care. We can find a way. I think I was close in finding away a few years ago, if I just find that then-“

“Dan that won’t help love,”

“No but we won’t know until we try-“

“ _Dan_.” He stopped talking and let his mouth close, swallowing. “Please don’t do this again,” Phil whispered and Dan didn’t know how to feel.

“I just want to save you,” he mumbled and Phil shook his head and took Dan’s hand, pulling so he’d turn to look in his eyes. Phil’s were shivering.

“Dan I’m dying. I’m dead meat. You can’t change that,” he told him, his voice high and cracking and Dan shook his head, looking away quickly.

“You’re not,” he mumbled, sliding a hand onto Phil’s cheek and pulling his forehead against his, forcing himself not to look at Phil’s eyes. He closed his own.

“Dan, I am. You need to realise this. I know you don’t want to. I don’t want to. I… I’d never want to leave you.” His voice cracked and Dan whimpered, his voice yelling the word ‘liar’ in his head.

“So why are you going?” he asked, clenching his fist. “You’ve been here so long, one more night couldn’t hurt, right?” he asked desperately and Phil shook his head.

“I’ll disappear right in front of you,” he said and Dan groaned.

“I don’t care! You keep trying to protect me but Phil, you’re leaving, and I know it’s not your choice, but it feels damn like abandonment,” he spat and Phil’s face fell.

“Dan I wouldn’t-“

“But you are! You’re dying on me. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want any of this.” He got off the bed, gripping at his hair and pulling, pacing as his breathing increased. “I can’t be happy. This is all bittersweet. You said you’d never leave,” his voice caught and Phil stood up and grabbed his hands, stopping Dan from moving.

“Dan, please calm down,” Phil said gently, going to cup his face but Dan hit his hand away, yelling in return.

“I can’t! You’re leaving, I can’t be calm. I… _I_ wanted to always be with you, fuck, grow old with you, not care what people thought, but you’re saying you’re too old? That I’m too old? I should be the one fucking dying before you,” Dan spat, rough edges on his words and snot now on his sleeve to befriend the tears lying there. “It should be me,” Dan whispered and this time when Phil touched his cheek he didn’t move away.

“Don’t you dare,” Phil said, placing a kiss to his lips, not caring about his runny nose. “Don’t you fucking dare say that,” he mumbled, kissing him again, Dan clutching him tightly again and sobs falling out of his lips, ruining a precious last moment, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“I can’t stop you dying,” Dan whimpered as Phil stroked his thumb along his cheek, breathing heavily, but grey eyes managed to meet Dan’s.

“And I can’t keep staying here,” Phil told him and Dan shut his eyes. “I love you,” Phil whispered and Dan shook his head.

“ _Stay with me_ ,” he begged and Phil sighed.

“I can’t,” he told him firmly and Dan pushed him away, but Phil wouldn’t let go of his hand.

“Do it for me,” Dan ordered and Phil’s expression changed.

“No.” Dan froze.

“What?” he asked softly and Phil bristled, clinging onto his hand uneasily and wobbling as he stood.

“I physically can’t. I am falling to pieces. I am so so tired and now you think is the time to be selfish? No Dan, not this time. We both know I’m dying and we both have no way to stop it. So stop being an asshole and at let me try and say a goodbye we won’t fucking regret for the rest of our lives!” Phil shouted and Dan’s jaw clenched, before he started to laugh bitterly, not meaning a sound of it.

“Oh ha ha haa, aren’t you funny, being a hypocrite. This goodbye would always be something I’ll regret, but I don’t know if I regret this more than meeting you,” he drawled and Phil looked as if he’d been punched. “And rest of our lives? Really? You’re the one who keeps saying you’re dying Phil, this is all landing on me. I get all this shit. But do you know what just super fun about all of this is? How this isn’t even happening. It’s all inside my head-“

_“Dan stop-“_

“You’re not real,” he said with a false laugh, shutting his eyes before he felt something oozing through his fingers. It felt like honey, golden and glistening and the same temperature as Phil had been when he was holding Dan’s hand. But now he couldn’t squeeze them.

His eyes flew open and he looked down at his palms. Phil’s hand wasn’t there. That feeling…

“You’re not real.” Dan whispered as he stared at the empty space in front of him.

He should have told Phil he loved him instead.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry and like writing this hurt me so yeah i'm sorry. Also sorry the next part isn't already up like the rest.


	6. The end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relapse is a sad word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER I HOPE YOU GUYS FIND ALL THIS PAIN WORTH IT.

There was something satisfyingly sad about hearing his own tears drop onto his pillow. The gentle plop as he snivelled, fingers curled into the sheets, gripping a single pair of glasses in his fist. It had been two weeks. Fourteen long fucking days and Dan wasn’t sure if he’d left his room once. He was meant to be at uni, having finished fresher’s week, but he couldn’t make himself. His dad tried to coax him out his room, tried to get him to a doctor, but when that didn’t work he called Henry. He’d been turning him away at Dan’s request until now. As soon as Henry burst into his room he barely had time to roll over before Dan felt his face being slapped and then yelling in his ear.

“You asshole! I was worried sick and you kept making excuses and getting your dad to tell me to leave! Dan I swear to god when Meatloaf is bigger I will make him maul your face off!” Henry screamed but Dan just smiled, a tear dripping off his chin.

“Henry,” he breathed and Henry rolled his eyes before sitting on his stomach and folding his arms.

“Really? You say my name and not sorry? I’m disappointed, give it more heart,” Henry said dryly, but he was smiling a little.

“I lost that,” Dan mumbled and Henry sighed before hugging him and kissing his cheek.

“Dan, what happened? Why won’t you leave your room?” he mumbled against his neck and Dan sighed.

“Phil left,”

“He what? That fucker, I’m gonna kill him, I-“ Dan covered his mouth as he pulled away to start raging.

“Hen, you won’t be able to, he’s... he's already dead.” Henry froze and Dan’s hand dropped from his face as he gave him a watery smile.

“Wait, what? Shit Dan, I didn’t know, I…” Henry trailed off, staring at Dan and stroking his cheek. Dan hiccupped.

“We, we knew it was coming, he’d been fading for a while, but then, he just… disappeared,” Dan explained, his voice barely a whisper, and Henry held him tighter. “He was always here for me Hen, I don’t know how to cope,”

“First of all try not cutting the rest of your friends from your life,” Henry said softly and Dan chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s a start.”

They heard a knock on the door and Dan’s dad opened it cautiously, and Dan rubbed his eyes.

“I’m sorry dad,” he mumbled and his dad nodded.

“I just want you to be happy,” his dad told him sadly. “I don’t get what’s so wrong,” he said in confusion and Henry bristled. Dan just looked away to where Phil used to lie.

“His friend died! What do you think?” Henry spat and his dad held his hands up defensively, like he was worried Henry would try and attack him. He had only seen Henry when he wasn't angry and upset, and was used to politeness, not lioness instincts.

“What? Dan I’m so sorry, you didn't tell me, which friend?” he asked calmly and Henry groaned. That had done it.

“Phil of course! You know, his best friend, you’ve got to have met him at least once, Jesus.” Dan let out a choked noise and his dad froze, his gaze turning curious.

“Wait, Phil? Your imaginary friend from when you were younger? That Phil?” his dad asked worriedly and Henry paused, then turned to Dan, confused.

“You what? Dan?” Henry asked, looking baffled and Dan threw an arm over his face. He didn’t want this to be real.

“I thought you’d said you’d stopped seeing him years ago,” his dad whispered worriedly, sounding urgent and Dan wished he was the one who didn’t exist.

“Dan?” he heard Henry mumble, sounding hurt and scared, but he rest his hand over his, the whole room falling silent.

“I’ll leave you to explain for now Dan, but we need to talk later.” His dad sighed finally and nodded at Henry before leaving and letting the door close gently with a click.

“Dan?” Henry whispered again and Dan let out a sob and scrunched his hands in the flesh of his face.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry,” he mumbled, starting to shake and Henry began to stroke through his hair, shuffling so he was lying beside him (Dan tried not to move him from Phil’s side of the bed) and whispering comforts in his ear. At least Henry wasn’t leaving him too.

Dan cried for a long time. He hadn’t cried properly since the night Phil had left and had kept it all inside, and now it was exploding like a firework, burning his arms with the sparks catching on his cheeks. He probably should have let this out sooner, but he hadn’t been sure if he could have handled it alone. A few tears had come of course, but those were silent, calm. At least now he knew he was glad Henry was there, instead of unsure and anxious.

It took a while but he slowly started to calm down, releasing the grip on Henry he didn’t remember having.

“So… Phil was…” Henry trailed off, unsure what to call him and Dan sighed.

“He was real to me,” Dan whispered, then swallowed. “But yeah, he was imaginary,”

“When did you meet him?”

“When I was really small. He’s been with me all my life. I didn’t realise he was imaginary until my mum told me, I think I was eleven,” Dan said dryly and Henry hummed, inviting him to continue. “After my mum told me, I sort of got properly sad for the first time, and Phil was always there to help. He didn’t leave, and I didn’t want him to. Why would I want to get rid of my best friend? Phil understands- used to… understand me,” Dan stopped talking as his tongue went dry and Henry squeezed his hand. Dan licked his lips and tried to collect saliva in his mouth to keep going. “I think… I think mum partially left because she didn’t think I was right in the head. I mean, mildly depressed at eleven, having an imaginary friend for that long, I wasn’t the son she thought she had.” Dan sighed and ran a hand through his hair, before laughing bitterly. “Oh if she could see me now.”

“If it helps, if I was your mum I’d be happy with you being my son,” Henry said softly and Dan chuckled.

“Honestly with our history, that’s probably one of the weirder things you’ve said,” Dan told him and Henry smiled. “Phil’s actually kind of the reason I became friends with you. Remember for the first bit of school I was always quiet and barely talked to anyone? I had only wanted to be friends with Phil. He gave me the push to be friends with you,” Dan told him and Henry smiled.

“Thanks Phil for your blessing, I owe you one,” he whispered and Dan smiled lightly. “So when you were little did you not think it weird Phil was always there with you?” Henry wondered and Dan shook his head.

“Phil back then was like someone who lived around the corner. He had a mum who was friends with my mum, we’d see each other a lot but he’d always go home at the end of the day. I don’t think Phil even knew what he was when he was little. But then when I was told, he stayed with me pretty much always. He tried to keep it how it was for my sake I think, but he ended up living with me. We did everything together and now-“Dan stopped talking again, taking a deep breath. “Now he’s gone.”

“Can I ask why he left? Do you think you got too old?” Henry asked cautiously and Dan shrugged.

“You’d think it, but it’s not like he left on my exact birthday, you know?” Dan asked rhetorically, Henry nodding anyway. “He said, about a year ago when I had been freaking out over uni that, that maybe he wouldn’t be coming with me. I thought he wanted to leave, but as it got closer to him going, he started to fade. He was sick, or something. I have no idea, I couldn't make myself hear him. I didn’t ask. I should have asked.” He scrunched his eyes shut, biting his lip before continuing. “He lost all colour and then slowly started going transparent. He left the latest he could before I wouldn’t be able to see him at all. He said he wanted to hurt me as little as possible,” Dan told him and he felt that numb feeling creeping back. He didn't want to remember what he'd really done to make Phil leave.

“Do you know when he fell in love with you?” Henry asked delicately, but that was almost like a punch to Dan.

He felt his heart flicker and he thought back. How old was he? Did he even know or had they just been crazy for each other always? Looking back, did Dan ever not love Phil in the same way back? The word ‘denial’ flashed in his head, and he closed his eyes again.

“Shit, we were… sixteen? He told me when we were that old. It feels like longer,” he said and Henry chuckled, then looked a little more concerned.

“When did you fall for him?” he asked and Dan shook his head, staring at Henry sadly.

“Please don’t look at me like that Hen, I can’t face you calling me a freak for all this. I mean I’m skipping huge details to try and keep you here because fuck I need you in my life and-“

“Dan, hey, it’s okay I’m not leaving. Like I’ll be extremely worried if you suddenly tell me Phil was actually a cat and you had sex with a cat in your mind, but as that’s hopefully unlikely I’m not going anywhere,” he said truthfully and Dan snorted.

“He was definitely not a cat,” he confirmed, and he bit his lip when Henry kept staring at him, almost begging him with his eyes to continue. Dan swallowed. “Hen, when I explain this, just remember that Phil has always been real to me. He was warm and had a heartbeat and breathed. He acted like a real person and wasn’t anything less than human when I found out he wasn’t. I was denying it so much I got detached from what he really was. So just, don’t think of me as any less than a huge mess when I tell you this, please?” he explained and Henry nodded.

“I’ve got you,” he told him, cuddling closer and Dan was glad for the comfort.

“Everything went to shit when Phil kissed me for the first time. I had never expected it, and it happened so randomly. It was GCSE results and he had said he had done it because he was just happy, that it hadn’t meant anything. He became less real that day because he disappeared and ran away for a minute, and it fucked me up. A while after we got in a fight and he explained that he loved me. At that time I didn’t love him back, at least I’m pretty sure I didn’t. I mean, I hadn’t thought about it, so I assumed I didn't. So it just went back to normal with me knowing a little more. Then Amelie happened. I er, never told you that ended because Phil showed up when we were making out and I said his name, right?” Dan asked sheepishly and Henry’s eyes widened.

“You didn’t. That was a dick move on Phil’s part I gotta say, even if you love him,” he confessed and Dan nodded morosely.

“Yeah I know. We got into a huge fight then and I was yelling at him for being jealous and I was saying stuff I didn’t mean. Like while I was with Amelie half the time I was worrying and thinking about Phil being hurt from me being with her. Not good stuff, not _normal_ stuff. But I was so angry and I threw a book and then kissed him. We er, then had very angry sex and I later found out that that was an issue I had as it happened quite a few times. Phil went with it to stop the fighting. I was just so messed up from not knowing how I felt about him I handled it extremely badly.”

“Is that when you got your first tattoo?” Henry asked and Dan hummed, wondering how he made the connection.

“Yeah. As you can see, I _really_ didn’t handle it well,” he muttered and then he bit his lip, feeling a little guilty. “Er, just to clarify that I love you, but I may of hidden something from you for a while,” he grimaced but Henry just laughed.

“Dan, I didn’t know about Phil for years, I don’t think you should be stressing about another thing.” He pointed out and Dan’s cheeks heated up.

“Shut up. Anyways, a short while after I got the tattoo- wait shit, I’m jumping ahead in time. Give me a moment, I’ll get back to it. But anyway I noticed Phil had a tattoo on his ribs and I peeked at it once and it was my initials. He hid it a lot I think. I'd only be able to see it when he was asleep or not concentrating. Yet another happy reminder of how human he was. Anyway, long ago when it was getting closer to his leaving day, I, um…” he trailed off and Henry raised his eyebrows up before pulling Dan’s shirt and seeing different initials.

“Oh you poor fool,” Henry sighed and Dan winced.

“I wanted to keep him real with me forever,” he whispered and Henry’s look softened, putting his top back and snuggling up on his shoulder.

“Go back again?” he asked and Dan nodded.

“When I got my first tattoo, I think Phil realised I felt the same. I’m not sure, because I never said anything, but it just changed everything. Everything suddenly went so tender and intimate and I fully admitted to myself I was in love with him, but I was too scared. I didn’t want to be in love with someone who I couldn’t tell was really human or not. This past year because of that had kind of been a bit… not good because of that,” he grumbled. “And it got worse the closer it got to the end and that’s why I have the birthday candle because even now I’m wishing for him to come back. My bed is so empty, I always feel cold and it’s so hard to smile. It’s probably dumb, but I kept little notebooks and wrote down all the stuff we did together, so I won’t forget. He even wrote back to me in them.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked Henry in the eyes. “Henry he really was real,” he said desperately and Henry placed a kiss to his cheek and frowned.

“Can I see one of those books?” He asked and Dan nodded.

“There’s one on the windowsill.” _Where Phil used to lean against, grip when he was angry, hold when he looked out at the stars_. Dan closed his eyes again.

“Can you show me where he wrote back to you?” Henry asked while flicking and Dan carefully took it off him and searched, finding a page with Phil’s writing on it and he couldn’t read it as he passed it over. Henry read it aloud anyway.

“ _Get your head out of the clouds love_ ,” he said softly and Dan peeked to see Henry looking pained. “Dan this is your handwriting,” he whispered and Dan shook his head slowly, his mouth hanging open before he snatched the book back. He stared at the writing and then flicked through the pages, seeing the words Phil had written wriggle across the page to look like his own scrawl.

“No,” he breathed, staring at ‘ _I love you, you idiot_ ’ and not believing it had been a lie. “No, Henry, it can’t be. It must just be similar,” he rambled, shutting the book firmly and tossing it as casually as he could pretend across onto his desk. Henry leant forwards and kissed him, and Dan felt tears rolling down both their cheeks.

“Dan I’m so sorry, but that’s your writing,” he whispered, leaning his head against Dan’s who began to sob, Henry falling to sniff on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I wish he was real. I wish he was still here for you,” Henry murmured and Dan kept crying. There was no point to anything. How did he even know this was reality?

“He was real. Real real real,” he chanted between sobs and laboured breaths and Henry clutched him tightly. “I don’t want to be sick,” he whispered.

“Me either love. Me either.” Dan froze at his tone. He sounded so like Phil and if he buried his head far enough he smelt like him, felt like him. He could pretend once more.

“I wish you were still here.”

*

 _Counselling_. Dan didn't like the word, didn't like the words it was made up of. It was stating how he was selling the most important part of his mind to a stranger who was going to take it away when Dan had never wanted it to go. The pills fucking sucked too. Dr Mann was always so understanding, clicking his pen and frowning whenever Dan answered. He hummed to answers and asked so many questions Dan wished he wouldn't even though that was the point but Dan didn't want to be sick. Phil was his friend, and even if Dan wanted to be better he didn't want to lose all the memories he had of him. They told Dan it was schizophrenia. Dan disagreed.

Henry took him to each appointment he could and then let Dan cry on him after because the most of what they did was make him sad. Dan was never without a hand to hold and though Henry's had always been there, it wasn't the same as Phil's. Henry started getting a lot of late night calls.

Sometimes Dan would have the most beautiful dreams. He'd be wrapped in a warmth he knew and soft lips would be against his and rough fingertips stroked lightly against his cheek. There'd be a haze of bruised colours; blacks and blues and yellows and pinks, flushing behind his eyelids and he'd wake in bliss, reaching over to tell Phil about it only to realise Phil had been the dream. Henry started to stay over at night more often.

Dan never went to uni. He decided a gap year was what he needed to be mentally stable enough to face the stress of university life. Henry was doing the same, and Dan was very glad about it. He was also glad about Henry's job, because it meant being able to have lots of baths and having very shiny hair. Also because Henry always smelt definitely of himself when Dan hugged him, and Dan could stop thinking he could be Phil if he pretended hard enough. He didn't want to trick himself or make Henry less than who he was. He was already an asshole for doing it before.

Dan managed to get a job for a bit, working as a barista in the small coffee shop across from Henry, who had told them their situation was just like a really gay love story. Dan had laughed, but it was always nice when Henry popped in on his lunch break to order a latte and something too sweet for Dan's teeth to handle. They'd sit and eat in the park, in the cafe, somewhere quiet where they could talk. It felt like they had grown up a little.

As time went on, Dan started to remember things. He remembered buying a pair of glasses that Phil had always worn, he remembered a present that he had been so sure was from Phil, but realised his parents had given it to him. Little things, like lining his shoes up, even putting an extra pair down beside them which he realised were his shoes, not Phil's. He was remembering doing many physical things Phil couldn't. But Phil had always held him, and Phil had always felt human. Dan could pinpoint his body temperature which had always been different from his and he could remember the callouses on his hands. It was too hard to make up a memory like that. The shirt Phil had been wearing as he left had disappeared, and Dan had worn that shirt before, there were photos as proof. _That shirt had been real._

Nothing really made sense anymore and the constant tapping from Dr Mann wasn't making it better. _'But Daniel, Phil wasn't real'_  was something Dan was told a lot, but things didn't add up so Dan couldn't get better. It was too muddled and everyone was getting frustrated with him but Phil couldn't just be forgotten.

He wished he'd told him how beautiful he was. And how he liked how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and his bitten nails and uneven fringe and stupid cold feet he's tuck under Dan's thighs to warm up. Dan wished he'd told Phil everything about himself before it was too late. He wished he had told him how he'd felt.

Dan dyed his hair dark black and one lonely evening Henry drew Phil for him, first, how he imagined him just from Dan's stories, then with Dan describing him. It wasn't quite there when Henry was finished, but it was beautiful and lived on Dan's wall, framed and smiling gently. His guardian angel.

Dan got another tattoo, a sprig of lavender on his other wrist to symbolise Henry. It was only small, but Henry had told him he loved it. Henry had bleached his hair by this time and gotten quite a few piercings and was almost going to get a tattoo before he decided against it, telling Dan that because he was too scared of needles, Dan would have to get one representing himself from Henry's point of view. Dan took a while to convince, and Henry drew him two lilies entwined, one white, one black. Dan asked why there were two and Henry just told him it was open to interpretation, but that Dan was more than one flower. Dan got it inked immediately.

The year kept going and Dan slowly got more used to being without Phil. It stung, but less so, and he was starting to smile more when looking back instead of crying. He still knew Phil’s scent though, and he’d try to mimic it in his sheets. It had always been one of the things Dan couldn’t let go of. A smell of a memory. And maybe Phil was just that, a memory that never quite existed, but Dan could believe what he wanted to.

*

University wasn’t what Dan wanted. He’d made a mistake. Why did he think that English would be good for him? He couldn’t write anything, he couldn’t read anything properly. He had no idea about grammar and spelling and nothing creative was on his laptop at all. His word documents stayed pale and blank, only a forced title at the start as the text cursor flashed at him, recording seconds he should be using as there was so little time but he just didn’t know what to do.

Henry had been getting worried as Dan had stopped texting him back recently. Well, he didn’t physically know because he’d barely replied to him, but if Dan knew Henry it meant he was worrying. But Henry being at home meant that he couldn’t come and see him too easily, and Dan was almost happy about that. He wanted Henry to be okay with normal friends and be happy. Dan just made him worry and stress.

He’d gone off his meds. That’s why he hadn’t been contacting either. His therapist had told him that he could get him new counselling, but he’d never turned up. He’d gotten texts asking if it was Dan, and when he’d been okay right at the beginning, he’d answered. Now there were worried messages and calls about the police coming but Dan didn’t care. Things were coming back. That gift had been from Phil and he’d never bought those glasses and had Dr Mann been lying to him? Sometimes he’d see Phil again. Just flickers, for half seconds while he was sleeping or out the corner of his eyes, but it was making Dan smile. Phil could come back. Dan could make him come back. So he lay on the floor for a day, using all his energy to try and conjure Phil back. It didn't work properly.  Dan started to give up.

He spent days in bed, forgot lectures, sat misplaced somewhere he wasn't really sure of. He just wanted to be back next to Phil.

*

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. It was warm and soft and fingers were running through his hair and  it felt familiar. Something that Dan had used to know but wasn't so sure of anymore. He didn't quite remember. Had he had a one night stand? If he looked over, would it be Henry? Why was someone in his bed anyway? But he didn't want to look, he wasn't sure why. He didn't want to know. For once in awhile, he was just enjoying comfort with no strings attached.

A soft groan came from beside him and Dan’s eyes flicked sideways for a second, peering out of his eye’s corner, before darting back to the ceiling. His bed-warmer was attractive, to say the least. Soft dark hair, pale skin, light stubble on his chin and soft lips. Dan’s type to the tiny mole on his cheek. His personality mustn't have been quite right if Dan didn't remember him though.

He turned to stare at him properly. He wasn't sure where he knew him from. He wasn't the guy in the line who serves him coffee, was he? Henry could have set them up maybe, or they could have just started chatting at a club. He couldn't place it, couldn't place him.

The guys eyes opened and he smiled. “You have soft hair,” the man said and Dan hummed, relaxing a little more against the stranger.

“Thanks. You're good at playing with it. But shouldn't you be asleep?” Dan asked and the man groaned.

“I wish but I've got an early shift, I actually have to get up soon,” he explained. So he was the coffee guy.

“That sucks,” Dan told him and the guy stretched his back out a little.

“I couldn't stop myself playing with your hair though, sorry if that's weird,”

“Don't worry about it,” Dan said. He still didn't know this guy. His hands were familiar though, and his body heat, and feel. Had this happened before?

The man yawned and ran his hand through Dan’s fringe once more. “Go back to bed, it's like six in the morning,” he told him and Dan groaned but snuffled into him.

“You're warm,” he mumbled and a kiss was placed to his forehead before the man shimmied out of bed and began to get dressed. Dan tried to fall back asleep as the guy left but couldn't, reaching out to where he had been lying and confusing himself as to why no one was there. He rolled over into the space and inhaled. Dan knew that scent, was this guy a regular? he honestly had no clue. Well he had some, they were just scattered.

But why was this man familiar?

Dan closed his eyes.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. It was warm and soft and fingers were running through his hair and  it felt familiar. He heard a giggle as Dan tried to bat the hand away and saw Henry smiling softly, but he also looked sad.

“Sometimes you look at me like you're expecting me to be someone else,” Henry said softly and Dan frowned. “It's not good for my self confidence you know.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “I think I'm a bit disorientated, I forgot you were here,”

“Even when I am most nights?”

“But you're also back at uni most nights,” Dan pointed out and Henry smiled painfully.

_Since when had Henry been taller than him?_

Dan closed his eyes.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. The air was cold around his arms and face aside from where his cheek was pressed into the person’s shoulder. He wiggled closer to them, trying to steal their warmth and felt a bounce underneath him. He opened his eyes and saw the stars. He thought he remembered a name.

“Have you made a wish?” The body asked and Dan bit his lip. What should he wish for?

A hand stroked through his hair. “I wished for long life,” he said, a hint of irony on the end of his voice and Dan was tempted to comment on it, but decided not to, turning to the man and bumping his nose against his by accident, cold frames of glasses pinching back.

“What do you think I should wish for?” Dan asked him quietly and the man let out a sad chuckle.

“I think you should know that one.”

The man pulled away and stretched out, yawning loudly before looking back at Dan, his look a little harder.

“Maybe you should actually make a wish that’s possible to come true,” Dan felt himself say, and he felt something hit his chest. The man’s hand had dropped against his heartbeat and he swallowed.

“You’ve always been harsh,” The man muttered, but then suddenly swooped forwards and kissed him.

Dan closed his eyes.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. He was confused when he heard whispers running through his ears, and was confused when the body fell like ash through his fingers. He squinted into the darkness, feeling the tight space enclosed around him as he realised he was lying down and it was hard to breathe. This ash was filling his nostrils and making him cough, but he could still hear the voice.

“ _Breathe_.” It urged him, Dan trying not to roll his eyes at the irony because he could hear something scraping above him and thuds as something fell. Then again, and again. Then it clicked. _Coffin._

“No,” Dan whispered, and the voice nagged again.

“ _Don’t panic_.” Dan was panicking. He was in a fucking coffin and he wasn’t dead and there wasn’t much air in here and it was going to be sealed underground and he’d always wanted to be cremated so he could be fucking free and not tied to this earth and-

A hand clamped over his mouth.

Dan closed his eyes, and screamed.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. Lights were flashing above him and he was being shaken, a kind faced man trying to coax him to sit up while he looked around blearily.

“Hey, are you alright?” His voice was soft. Dan didn’t answer, just looked around. It looked like a party, and it looked like he knew some people, but everything was blurry and he was wobbling even while sitting. “Whoa, take it easy. Here, put your head between your legs,” the man said, gently helping Dan move into the correct position. His vision stopped swimming and he sat back up. The man now had a mask on.

“Where am I?” Dan asked blearily, and the man laughed.

“Wow you really overdid it,” he told him and Dan shook his head.

“I don’t… remember,” he slurred slowly and the man gripped his shoulder.

“That’s okay, I’ll talk you through it. First, you need a mask, you must have lost yours, wait,” The man said, taking his off and tying it gently around Dan’s head, the intricate swirls glistening against the fluorescent lights. Dan noticed his eyes were blue. “Right, I have a spare mask so now we’re both okay,” the man said, pulling another on.

“Why am I here?” Dan asked and the man squeezed his thigh reassuringly.

“The Ball With Two Faces,” the man answers. “You were chosen.”

“I don’t know what it is,”

“You’ve done something bad in your past, became something you weren’t and regret it. Now you have the chance to find the person you wronged, and change what you did,” he said and Dan wet his lips, looking at his knee. The man was still holding onto him.

“I think, maybe, I shouldn’t be here,” he whispered and the man tutted.

“You were chosen. You’ve done one of the worst things to have been chosen. You have killed someone.” the man urged and Dan shook his head.

“No, I would never…” The words died on his lips. _‘Dan stop_ ’. His eyes went wide and the man pitied him.

“This,” he said gently. “Is why you are here.”

Dan closed his eyes.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. He thought they’d had a fight, that he’d left him. They had yelled some horrible things. There was something wrong though, they felt too… wet? Dan looked over and gasped. A gash was right over his heart, stitching having been ripped out as shaking fingers traced over his arm, his mouth opening soundlessly as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“No,” Dan breathed. He quickly grabbed the blanket and tried to put pressure on the wound, strained breaths leaking his mouth and he managed to hook onto the back of Dan’s neck.

“You tried to love me,” he wheezed into Dan’s ear. “That was enough, all I needed. Thank you.”

Dan caught his eyes and the last flash of colour drained from them as his arms went limp and Dan couldn’t feel the rapid beat under his fingertips. He let out a broken sob and rested his head back on his shoulder.

Dan closed his eyes.

Dan was confused when he woke up with a body lying beside him. He thought they had been speaking, so shuffled up and smiled at them. “Pardon?” he asked, and Phil’s cheeks flushed and he licked his lips.

“I was just saying, er…” he trailed off and Dan snuggled into him further, inhaling his scent.

“Go on,” Dan prompted and Phil took a deep breath.

“Don't leave,” he mumbled and Dan’s heart sunk.

“Phil…” Dan trailed off. “I'm a goner, I can't…” He heard his voice crack and Phil’s eyes wavered.

“But we can find a way, we can stop-”

“Phil, love, you know we can't,” Dan sighed, rolling over and getting off the bed. He couldn't stay, he was hurting too much.

“No but we won’t know until we try-“

“ _Phil_.” He stopped talking and let his mouth close, swallowing. “Please don’t do this again,” Dan whispered. Everything hurt, his skin was searing with cold and he felt like he was melting.

“I just wanted to save you. That's all I wanted,” Phil whispered and Dan gripped his hands, making him face him.

“Phil I’m _dying_. I’m dead meat. You can’t change that,” he told him, his voice high and cracking and Phil shook his head, looking away quickly.

“You’re not,” he mumbled, sliding a hand onto Dan’s cheek and pulling his forehead against his, forcing himself not to look at his eyes.

Dan closed his own.

Phil kept talking, clinging to him, and Dan wanted to wake up. He wanted to stay, he did, just… He couldn't stay sane here. This world was confusing, tricking him, a labyrinth he was so lost in all he knew was his feet were attached to the ground.

“Dan, you could just stay though, you’ll be okay, we can just stay together forever and-” Phil babbled and Dan placed a hand over his mouth.

“I’d die in front of you, I don't want that,” He explained and Phil was crying now.

“You want to leave,” he whimpered and Dan shook his head, now stroking Phil’s cheek.

“Phil, please know I’d never leave you by choice,” Dan pleaded and Phil shook his head, moving Dan’s grip off him. Dan’s hands followed but Phil hit them away.

“Liar. You've been here all this time, one more night couldn't hurt,” Phil said, his fists clenched.

“But I’ll disappear right in front of you!” Dan reminded him. Him disappearing had always hurt Phil, he didn't want to leave without a goodbye. Phil was being difficult and Dan didn't want to hurt him.

“I don’t care! You keep trying to protect me but Dan, you’re leaving, and I know it’s not your choice, but it feels damn like abandonment,” he spat and Dan’s face fell. Phil was repeating him, those words were his. Words _he_ had yelled at Phil.

“Phil I wouldn’t-“

“But you are! You’re dying on me. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want any of this.” Phil got off the bed, gripping at his hair and pulling, pacing as his breathing increased. “I can’t be happy. This is all bittersweet. You said you’d never leave,” his voice caught and Dan stood up and grabbed his hands, stopping Phil from moving, watching his tears drop onto the carpet. Dan had been wrong to say those things before, he knew Phil hadn’t had a choice.

“Phil, please calm down,” Dan said gently, going to cup his face but Phil hit his hand away, yelling in return.

“I can’t! You’re leaving, I can’t be calm. I… _I_ wanted to always be with you, fuck, grow old with you, not care what people thought, but you’re saying you’re too old? That I’m too old? I should be the one fucking dying before you,” Phil spat, rough edges on his words and snot now on his sleeve to befriend the tears lying there. Dan winced at the words, clinging onto Phil, feeling a stab of the truth he felt being spat back. _Now it was him_. “It should be me,” Phil whispered and this time when Dan touched his cheek desperately he didn’t move away.

“Don’t you dare,” Dan whimpered, placing a kiss to his lips, not caring about his runny nose. “Don’t you fucking dare say that,” he mumbled, kissing him again, Phil clutching him tightly again and sobs falling out of his lips. Dan wanted to tell Phil he loved him, that he shouldn’t ever feel that way but those had been himself. It should never have been Phil, it should never have been either of them. This was all Dan’s fault, and seeing the hurt drip from Phil’s mouth wrecked him.

“I can’t stop you dying,” Phil whimpered as Dan stroked his thumb along his cheek, trying to comfort him, but brown eyes managed to meet Phil’s.

“And I can’t keep staying here,” Dan told him honestly and Phil shut his eyes. “I love you,” Dan whispered, feeling his own heart break and Phil shook his head in response. Dan should have told him before.

“Stay with me,” he begged and Dan sniffed.

“I _can’t_ ,” he stressed, wishing his mouth could make any other sound and he shut his eyes as Phil pushed him away, clinging onto his hand, regretting the words he knew would come.

“Do it for me,” Phil ordered. Dan felt his expression change. _Selfish_. He was so fucking selfish. Phil had never deserved any of this.

“No.” Dan watched as Phil froze, remembering the feeling that had shuddered down his spine. _Why couldn’t he have understood?_

“What?” Phil asked softly and Dan tried not to bristle, clinging onto his hand uneasily and wobbling as he stood. And then he was yelling, and he couldn’t stop himself, and _why couldn’t have have understood?_

“I physically can’t. I am falling to pieces. I am so so tired and now you think is the time to be selfish? No Phil, not this time. We both know I’m dying and we both have no way to stop it. So stop being an asshole and let me try and say a goodbye we won’t fucking regret for the rest of our lives!” Dan shouted, wishing Phil would listen, but Phil’s jaw clenched. Phil started to laugh bitterly, and it sounded so wrong coming from his lips. Dan could feel himself breaking.

“Oh ha ha haa, aren’t you funny, being a hypocrite. This goodbye would always be something I’ll regret, but I don’t know if I regret this more than meeting you,” he drawled and felt looked as if he’d been punched, kicked, beaten to a pulp. His arms were searing hot and he was trying to make his mouth work, body work, yell back at Phil to not speak, but he was paralysed. He just let tears roll down his cheeks as he heard his own words how Phil had heard them.

“And rest of our lives? Really? You’re the one who keeps saying you’re dying Dan, this is all landing on me. I get all this shit. But do you know what just super fun about all of this is? How this isn’t even happening. It’s all inside my head-“

“ _Phil stop-_ “

“You’re not real.”

Dan saw Phil shut his eyes and he wasn’t in his body anymore. He was seeing black and it was so dark and so alone and there was nothing beneath his feet. Phil’s hand was no longer in his, and he curled into his own body.

“ _You’re not real._ ”

Phil had never deserved this

Dan closed his eyes.

Then he opened them. He was back in his room at uni, lying on his bed and frozen with his face pointing to where Phil had been. He’d… He’d sent Phil _there?_

He scrambled out of bed quickly, fumbling for his phone in the dark when he thought he saw a flash of blue eyes in front of him. Warm air ghosted his face and Dan’s stomach dropped, his hand reaching up and clawing at the glow now in his cheeks.

“Not real not real,” Dan mumbled to himself, shakily calling Henry’s number, only to drop the phone when his eyes flicked up. Phil was definitely standing there, smiling softly, but then Dan blinked and Dan wasn't sure if his coat hanging off his door just looked like Phil in the dark.

He scrambled to pick up his phone, finally pressing the dial button and Henry picked up.

“Thank fuck you're alive,” Henry groaned before Dan realised his breathing was louder than normal. “Are you okay?” Henry asked, waking up out of his groggy state and noticing the difference to normal.

“I think I saw Phil again,” he stuttered, squeezing his eyes closed. “I… I haven't been taking my meds, and then I was lonely, and then I dreamed and oh god _Henry_ ,” he choked and Henry was starting to panic too.

“Shit Dan-” Henry began but Dan kept babbling, starting to walk around.

“Phil is somewhere alone Henry I don't want him to be and I was so mean. So so mean and then the party and I was meant to be there and it was Phil the whole time but different and you were there but taller and it felt weird and I got buried and please make sure I'm cremated Henry I'm so scared.”

As he talked he paced, going into his bathroom without bothering to turn on the light, searching frantically for his meds and dropping the pot, watching them scatter everywhere. He bent down to pick them up, scrabbling around the bottom of the sink, in the bathroom, fingers trembling as he moved without real focus.

“Henry I can't do this I can't leave him alone I'm not working and everything hurts me and I should have never told him to leave, I should have been the one, I should have di-”

*

He already knew where he was when he woke up. No one could mistake the smell of a hospital. Or the noise of beeping and the soft chatter running around the walls.

Dan closed his eyes again. He didn’t want to be here. Henry wouldn’t be able to see him. Did he even have a way to tell him? Why were things poking his arms?

He heard chirpy laughter as a nurse passed by and he squeezed his eyes tightly, wanting to block it all out. He wanted to forget what he’d tried to do. He wanted a hug.

The room went quiet and Dan managed to struggle up, looking at the curtain that was pulled around him. Then his curtain twitched and Dan blinked. A young man with dark hair and blue eyes was smiling down at him. He’d thought for a second this man was Phil. He felt his heart crack when his brain reminded him it wasn’t.

“Hello Daniel, I’m Dr Hanson. You were meant to come see me for counselling but you never showed up,” he said gently and Dan hung his head.

“I probably should have,” he mumbled and Dr Hanson looked at the chair beside the bed and Dan nodded. “Feel free. Could you tell me why I'm here though?” he asked and Dr Hanson smiled softly.

“You smashed your head off your sink and cracked your head open a bit. You're going to have a scar I'm afraid and it will hurt for a while I think. You're lucky your friend called an ambulance,”

“Friend who phoned the ambulance? Henry?” Dan asked and Dr Hanson sighed.

“I’m sad to tell you I’m unsure. You could try asking a nurse? I’m sure one will be with you shortly to check on your health before you’re moved,” he said and Dan’s head perked up.

“Moved? Like rooms?”

“No, Daniel, I’m sorry to say but we’re putting you into the psychiatric wing with people around your age. Unfortunately you aren’t able to object to this after your actions towards your medication and getting help. Also because of the thoughts your friend expressed worry over when he called the ambulance.” He told him, empathetic, but to the point. Dan let out a small chuckle.

“I’m not surprised. I am alive by the way? This isn’t another elaborate dream I’ve made up too?” he asked and Dr Hanson smiled at him.

“I’m pretty sure I’m real, but who really knows. I take it you’re not opposed to leaving here?” he asked more cautiously and Dan shrugged.

“Well, I have no choice, and if it will make me better I probably should. I mean, my dad will be worried sick, and Henry will be, oh god…” Dan trailed off and Dr Hanson looked at him sympathetically.

“I’m sure they’ll be coming to visit before you’re moved. It’s quite far away for either of them to be here yet if you’re up at University? It’s only just morning as well. I don’t know the exact details of when you will be moved, however,” he explained and Dan rolled his eyes.

“Ask a nurse?” he repeated and Dr Hanson smiled.

“Yeah, got to love the system. Anyway Daniel-“

“Call me Dan, please,”

“Okay Dan, please call me Richard then, or Ricky actually, I wonder if it will catch on, I’ve always wanted to be known as Ricky. Anyway, once you are moved you will only be able to receive visits on weekends and honestly, it will be a bit crap for a while. You’ll have counsellors but I’ll drop by to check up on you sometimes and see when you’re well enough to leave. Either way you’ll just have to stick it out until we think you’re stable enough. However, it will mean at some point we’ll have to discuss university and the option to drop out, but that’s for another time. For today, rest up and ask a nurse all your questions. I’ll see you soon,” he smiled and Dan managed a smile back.

“Bye Ricky,” he called and Ricky thought for a minute.

“Maybe I should have a cooler surname to go with that?” he asked and Dan smiled softly to himself.

“You remind me of someone I used to know,” he said fondly. “He would have picked a stupid last name, so you should probably keep yours,” Dan told him and Ricky nodded before opening the curtain and bidding him goodbye. A nurse almost instantly came up to him to check him over but Dan was at least feeling a little more positive now.

*

Somehow, Henry managed to get to the hospital first. Dan was suddenly woken up by something squeezing his hand extremely tightly. He blinked his eyes open to Henry’s brown ones in front of his. His roots were showing through his bright blonde but his smile was huge as he let out a laugh.

“You bloody idiot,” he smiled and Dan smiled back.

“Hey Henry,” he said before Henry kissed his cheek and helped him sit up.

“Okay I know it’s not a jokey happy smiley time but seriously Dan, your hair looks like shit,” Henry told him bluntly as he sat down in the chair beside him and Dan couldn’t stop his smile growing. He’d really missed Henry.

“Says you, nice roots,” he retorted and Henry shrugged.

“It’s fashion. I wouldn’t call ‘curly grease and hospital bedhead’ fashion,” Henry huffed and Dan chuckled.

“Okay you win. Also sorry-” Dan began but Henry waved his hand away.

“Don’t bother. I’m pretty happy you’re alive,” Henry told him and Dan gave a small nod.

“Yeah I think I am too.” Henry squeezed his hand. “I’m being moved soon to a proper place for nutjobs like me,” he said quietly.

“With straitjackets to stop you being gay?”

“Yes, to stop me from sinning with any gender,” Dan humoured him and Henry chuckled, fidgeting with Dan’s fingers.

“I’ll be able to come and visit you sometimes, right?” He mumbled and Dan nodded.

“On weekends, I think. I’m being moved tomorrow or the day after so I’ll find out how I can tell you,” Dan said and Henry tossed his hair back.

“Nice to know I’m a priority,” he grinned. “Right, should we get into deep stuff now, or do you wanna just not?” he asked and Dan thought about it.

“How about mild stuff?”

“Okay. Can I ask about you seeing Phil again?” he said and Dan winced.

“Not the lightest of subjects Hen, but no, I didn’t, not properly. I thought I kept seeing flashes of him then had the nightmare I don't want to recall and then I called you,” Dan explained generally and Henry sighed.

“And then you smashed your head off the sink. Dan I was so scared,” Henry told him, looking at the hand he was squeezing. “I could hear you going for your pills and then it was silent I just… I thought the worst, I didn't know what to tell the ambulance,” Henry whispered and Dan’s heart ached.

“Henry-” Dan started and Henry shook his head.

“Just promise you won’t do that, okay? And _at least_ talk to me if you want to, please?” he mumbled and Dan nodded.

“I promise,”

“Or I will kick your ass in the afterlife,”

“I know you will.” Henry gave him a small smile.

“Well that’s all I wanted to know, thanks,” He said, kissing the back of his hand.

“So there’s no anger over me not messaging you for ages?” he asked, looking sceptical and Henry shook his head, smiling wryly.

“I’d actually already booked train tickets to surprise visit you, that’s why I’m here pretty quickly,” he explained and Dan blushed.

“You nerd,”

“I was worried! And you can’t say I didn’t have a right to be,” Henry pointed out and Dan sighed.

“Yeah, okay, you got me,” Dan said, holding his hands up sheepishly. “Have you heard from my dad? Wait, how are you visiting? You’re not family,” Dan asked and Henry rubbed the back of his neck.

“You’re apparently my brother now,” he grimaced and Dan chuckled.

“Of course. Er, is my dad actually coming up?” he asked nervously, hoping he hadn’t finally been abandoned.

“Yeah, I texted him and explained the plan this morning. Last night though, I had called him sobbing, and he was all ready to zoom down here but I told him he wouldn’t be able to see you until morning and that they’d call him if… you know. Anyways he should be here in about half an hour,” Henry reeled off and Dan leant back and sighed.

“It’s weird,” he murmured, not really sure if Henry was listening. “But everything feels surreal right now. It sort of feels like I could be dead, or-”

“Imaginary?” Henry cut in, teasing, but Dan winced.

"Harsh," he murmured and Henry’s face fell.

"Shit, sorry. I- Dan I know you think I probably do, but even when you said it, I never thought Phil was imaginary," Henry mumbled. "I mean, if he was real to you that's good enough for me," he said, scratching the nape of his neck and Dan gave him a weak smile.

"Thanks."

His dad rushed into the ward about half an hour later, and it hurt seeing how worried he had been. His hair was a mess, a large amount of stubble adorning his jaw and he smelt like he had downed a whole coffee shop. He had nearly crushed Dan with a hug and gave him a lecture about not getting help but even if Dan hung his head, he was smiling a little.

“Dan, just please stay around,” his dad had ended up saying and Dan let out a choked ‘yes’.

They talked casually for a while before his dad brought up the topic.

“Maybe you should drop out of uni for a while,” his dad spoke up weakly and Dan sighed.

“Yeah, I think I should too,” he said, feeling defeated. “But I can’t quite yet, er, I’m being moved soon. Being admitted to the psychiatric ward,” he said carefully, watching to see his dad’s reaction.

“That’s a good thing, right? You’re okay with that?” he dad checked and Dan felt himself tear up a little.

“Yeah, it’s good. Thanks for not giving up on me, by the way,” he murmured and his dad looked shocked.

“Like I ever would. You’re never not going to be my son. I mean, you’ll always be my kid, no matter what. Even when you’re eighty,” he dad said and Dan saw Henry grinning, and Dan couldn’t stop his own wry smile.

“Wouldn’t it be great for mum to have seen what real parenting is like,” he said lightly and his dad looked proud.

“I do my best. I’m glad it’s better than her half-asked attempt,” he said and Dan chuckled.

“I love being bitter.” He then turned to Henry. “I don’t know how long you’re up here by the way, and sorry we can’t really do what we would have planned like movie marathons,” he said and Henry rolled his eyes.

“You really don’t make the most of your attention, you know that,” Henry chuckled and Dan shrugged.

“What can I say, I must be modest,”

"Or just used to being loved."

*

It took a while, it really did. Dan was moved quickly and got slotted into a routine. It wasn’t that bad, if he was honest. The doctors could see he was actively trying to resume a normal life, took his medication, talked out in sessions. He didn’t mention Phil too much, though. The spring in his mouth snapped back when he tried, pulling his lips together tightly after the breath he thought would finally start his story. They were just for Dan alone, when he thought about it later on. The way Phil smiled, cried, laughed, twitched, those were all saved for older times. They wouldn’t be helping him get better, anyway.

He talked to the other people, talked to his dad, to Henry, answered truthfully when he was asked _‘how are you today, Dan?'_  and started to wake up a little. Illusions, delusions, positive and negative side effects all blurred around his head as he almost heard constantly about what was going on in his brain, what his medication was doing, how well he was doing and how he would be able to go _home soon_.

When they asked him how he felt about that, he replied with _‘I’d like that’_.

He was feeling better, less tired, less isolated, more in tune with what was actually happening. Uni was no longer something he had to consider as a stressor, his dad was ready to welcome him home, Henry would be back for a while and he wasn’t just going to be dumped. Things were actually sorted and sorted well, and Dan couldn’t have felt more relieved.

When he was discharged naturally it felt weird, the long car journey home looking out of the window whilst his dad played music in the background and the occasional conversation topic as he watched the street lights flare up was comforting. He’d always liked car rides. He remembered when he was little imagining someone running along the road beside his window, and as he thought back, he was glad it had never been Phil.

That name still held a little too much for Dan, managing to get his old job back as a barista and nearly freezing when he was meant to write those letters on a cup. His tongue had stuck to his teeth as he managed to call out the name, but it felt a lot less heavy as he passed over the drink.

It was half a year after he’d been let out of the psychiatric ward and deemed to be in remission. He was doing well, constantly talking to Henry and had made some other friends through work, staying in social situations and keeping up hobbies and interests. He was planning to return to university the next year but with special supervision in case he relapsed again, however Ricky had said he was looking hopeful, but to be as careful as he could during stressful situations. Dan also didn’t have to see Ricky as much as he used to. It felt that finally things were going right for him, but there was always just that hint of loneliness that had never quite left.

But then, one day on an unimportant week, he spotted someone. That person was standing in the rain at the bus stop, shivering in his sodden coat as everyone rushed past. Dan’s umbrella was held firmly in his hand, keeping his hair dry, but when he saw the man start to shiver he felt his heart soften and he walked over.

“I’m going to pretend to wait for the bus so I you can share my umbrella.” He spoke up as he stood beside the man.

Blue eyes flashed as they met Dan’s, a quirk of a smile touching his lips as Dan’s mouth dropped open. The man’s hand gently curled over his own to stop the umbrella falling to the floor as Dan felt the air punch out of his lungs.

“Long time no see, Dan.”

He didn’t feel lonely anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over! I hope you liked it. Message me for headcanons or like comment if you wanna know what happened to their lives after or like little things i came up with when i was bored lol. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: the mental illness that I am portraying in this isn't a real one. Partially as this is fiction but also because in real life it doesn't exist, which is why I have stated before Dan had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In real life this is probably the closest existing disorder that doctors could prescribe treatment for, which is why I have chosen it. Also because the help Dan would receive can be tailored to this disorder to try and help him the best they can. This is confusing I know but I don't want to portray a disorder I only know through a psychology course badly as there are already a lot of stigmas about it. I hope this makes sense.
> 
> Also there is a sequel where things are a little (large amount) bit different to how we all thought this would turn out i'm sorry


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